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How to Win Mommy of the Year

4

December 13, 2012 by Marj Hatzell

The following message has been approved for all audiences and is intended to be SATIRE. As in, JOKING. KIDDING. DROLLERY. You dig?

"SCUSE ME. BUT DG IS THE BEST MOTHER OF ALL TIME. OF. ALL. TIME.

SCUSE ME. BUT DG IS THE BEST MOTHER OF ALL TIME. OF. ALL. TIME.

You know, I have this goal to be Super Mom. And not just Super Mom, mind you. SUPER AUTISM MOM.

(No, not really, this is me, being facetious)

I can’t help but feel the pressure. Especially during the Holidays. There’s some sort of imaginary competition going on. Like we’re all trying to be the Bestest at Everything. All I see on Pinterest?  Overachieving Moms making bento box lunches with food cut into stars, flowers and happy faces and little handwritten notes with calligraphy  Elf on the Shelf in various poses, in near-professional photos depicting his various (creepy) escapades and hijinx   Homemade shoes, hats, mittens, clothing, stockings, all knitted or sewn with homemade tags in super-hipster pattern and colors.

When do people find the time to do this crap? I’m lucky to have two extra minutes to rub together to grab a nap. Do they stay up all night doing this? I mean SHEESH. Sometimes I get dinner made before 5pm. I might catch up on the laundry, provided no one gets sick or wets the bed. If they do? Then it sets me back four days. I mostly get the sink emptied each night and the clean dishes run through the dishwasher (THANK YOU FSM FOR DISHWASHERS). And the floor? Let’s just say it hasn’t been properly mopped in a long time. You don’t wanna know when, either. Thank goodness for swiffers and damp rags. That’s all I’m gonna say about that!

Who the heck are we competing with? I mean, besides ourselves? Oh. Right. There IS NO competition!  We ARE competing with ourselves. And putting tons of pressure on ourselves. And then getting our panties in a twist when we don’t achieve these ridiculously lofty goals. And feeling guilty that we’re not as cool/hip/interesting/involved/achieving as other moms.

Dudes? You cannot compare apples to oranges. Moms are like apples and oranges. And watermelons, bananas, kiwi fruit, mangoes…the list goes on. We’re all Absosmurfly awesomesauce in our own special ways. In fact, it turns out we’re not doing such a lousy job after all.

As for the fancy lunches, elves, homemade clothes and the like? I let my kid buy lunch at the school cafeteria when he chooses (THE HORROR!), I do make homemade Halloween costumes (Because I’m cheap thrifty and he usually picks something obscure) and I give my kid pretty much every book he asks for (he’s the kid that NEVER STOPS READING). But that’s about as good as it gets. I don’t stress over not getting all the housework completed in one day (because there’s always tomorrow) and my house is messy or dirty sometimes. It’s always an hour away from being good for company but not so dirty I’d be embarrassed if someone popped by. Like my Nana told me, “No one ever went to their death bed complaining they didn’t clean enough. They always wish they spent more time with their families.”

I’m gonna be Aiming Lower** for now on.

(** speaking of Aiming Lower, you know I write there sometimes, right?  So go see me sometimes. And if you’d be so kind as to click that “Like” box over there that would be super duper awesome of you and stuff)

 

4 thoughts on “How to Win Mommy of the Year

  1. I like Pinterest, but other than a few recipes for broke people I have tried NOTHING that I’ve pinned on there. It’s an incredible time suck, I question why I get on there. I quit trying to compete with those super moms a long time ago. They don’t like me anyway. They can have their clean houses and clean kids. Now Super Autism Mom-that really should be an award, or a badge, or SOMETHING cool! My award would have to be Super ADD Your Son Sure Seems Like He’s On The Spectrum And Good Luck Getting A Diagnosis Mom. There would be perks- someone will come to your house and wash all your peed upon stuff. Which reminds me that I’m two days behind on my sons peed on sheets. Which means I need to get off this couch. Good times. 😉

  2. Maggie S. says:

    WTFreak is going on with the bento lunch box? That mom is doing it for her own pleasure(there’s a word for that). The kid is going to hop out of the car and bunny hop down the front walk to the school and all that work is going to be salad. He’s gonna eat what he can trick his classmates out of.
    Which I think makes your point. Being the best mom is being the best for your unique children. It’s about them, not pinnable displays of my home ec skills.

    Gah, I haven’t mopped in forever. But it always rains the day I mop and the dogs bring it in.

    • Dude. Same thing happens to me. True story. Every time I’m all “I’m gonna mop today!” I let the dogs in and then I’m all “DOH! No I’m not!”
      Damned dogs. Cramping my style. Or enabling me. One of the two.

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