Locked Out


December 4, 2012 by Marj Hatzell

Let's see, what kind of trouble can I get into while Momma is locked out?

Let’s see, what kind of trouble can I get into while Momma is locked out?

Well, that was certainly an interesting weekend.

It started innocently enough. We thought we’d take advantage of the warm weather and get some things done outside. A few shrubs that need to be pruned in fall, a few dead plants that needed to be trimmed back to the ground for next year, leaves that should have been raked. And since it was warm and beautiful and perfect outside (60! The first day of December!) we were all about being outside.

Except for the part where I woke up and sneezed for two hours straight. And couldn’t breathe and I wanted to take an icepick to my ear to jab a hole in it and relieve the pressure. You know, nothing special, just the usual fun at Chez DG!

Anywho, we did our chores, ran errands, took the kids for haircuts. The whole weekend was a blur, honestly. But it felt good to do things like pull out the stove and clean around it, dust and vacuum hidden crevices and wipe a few things that hadn’t been wiped in a while. Because nothing says RELAX! DECOMPRESS!  GET RID OF STRESS!  Like finding out what has been under and behind your stove for five years!

And I got it in my head that this was THE PERFECT DAY to try to teach Bugaboo flossing. You know, the kid who doesn’t like anything in or near his mouth? Who has massive oral sensitivity? Who gags at the sight of playdough? Who steals our toothbrushes and eats our toothpaste and couldn’t be bribed with all the chocolate chips in the world to brush his teeth thoroughly?

Yep, him. Great idea, no?

So. Flossing. He HATED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Cried real tears, even. But he has crowding in his lower teeth and the dentist begged me to try it. And since I’m Mother of the Year (Yes I am!  Bug Boy said so!) I did try it. And sorta-kinda regret it but hey, it’ll get better each time we do it, right? RIGHT?  (No, because I tried it two more times since then and it’s like putting a cat in bathwater, complete with screeching and razor sharp claws. I mean fingers.)

So back to work we went. Cleaning. Raking. Filling in the minefield of holes my precious angel of a dog dug because she has to bury bones and did you know that some dogs will try to bring you voles and worms and bugs as presents? (And this includes attempting to dug up a nest of yellow jackets in the ground last week and getting stung in the eye. And an emergency vet visit on Black Friday and the vet is NEAR THE MALL.)Such a sweet pup!

And then…

Wanna know what’s almost sort of funny? When you’re out front of the house fixing some decorations on shrubbery and your husband is behind the house doing yard work and he comes inside, sees the front door open and locks both doors because Bugaboo is sitting in the kitchen and then husband hops in the shower and then you turn to go back inside, only to find both the front screen and steel doors locked so you go to the back sliding door and the anti-break-in lock is on and the side screen and steel doors are locked so you can’t even use the spare to get in (because the spare key is for the steel door, not the screen door and there’s no way to open the screen door because it is padlocked. Yes, padlocked. So Bugaboo can’t get OUT) so you bang on the door and ring the doorbell while Bugaboo dances by several times with a loaf of bread, then some rice, then some m&ms while you beg him to open and unlock the door and you point to the door and he gives you the hairy eyeball and shakes his head nononononoNONONONO and finally the husband hears you banging ten minutes later and lets you back in and when you say, “Bugaboo, why didn’t you let mommy in?” he giggles and runs out of the room with a handful of chocolate…

I’m sure the neighbors found all of this amusing.

Pretty ordinary weekend. Nothing special. Same ole, same ole. Nothing to see here, move along, move along..

.I swear, I can’t make this shiz up.

2 thoughts on “Locked Out

  1. We’ve had gorgeous weather here too. What’s up with that? Of course I’m skeptical. I keep checking the forecast thinking the other shoe will drop soon, and we’ll be buried under ten feet of snow at this time next week. So far, so good. I could get used to this.

    Oh anything to do with cleaning teeth is such merriment. Flossing. It’s your teeth’s way of saying they hate you. Add sensory issues and you have a rockin good time! Is your son’s toothbrush chewed to the point where there is no way the bristles can actually perform any function? And the toothpaste itself-since he can’t stand to touch the toothpaste he wipes any excess on every bathroom surface. Whee! There’s always something stuck somewhere in the bathroom, glued together or smeared with toothpaste. One of these days I’m going to get stuck to the counter and someone is going to have to rescue me.

    I’m glad you were let back in. I guess if you weren’t we wouldn’t be reading this post! 😀

  2. Maggie S. says:

    One time my husband and I locked ourselves outside. At night. There’s more than one way to be alone with your spouse:/

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