March 7, 2012 by Marj Hatzell
Every day since last week I have been sitting here, staring at the screen, wondering what to write. I am going through something fit now, not exactly sure what it is. Perhaps since things are sort of in a holding pattern I can finally sit and process everything that has happened on my life the past six months or so.
I have been feeling overwhelmed for months, like I can’t catch my breath and can’t seem to catch a break. I have felt for a few years that I can’t endure another _______ (insert rotten thing that happened here) and then something gets heaped on me and I suck it up and deal and push through it. Onward and upward,right?
This is hard, yo. I know I say it’s just my reality but the truth is it is very hard. The constant sleep deprivation, having to pass up on things that make me happy. It’s hard. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever endured, next to my father’s death. And speaking of that, this week it was three months. Ninety days since I sat and held his hand and said goodbye while his heart and brain and kidneys slowly shut down. Ninety days since I had to watch my mother, my siblings and his siblings say goodbye in the most painful way. It sucks and I hate it.
Perhaps it is spurred by the fact that I am hormonal (thank you, stupid perimenopause!) or because I have been back and forth to that very same hospital a few times in the past few weeks while my mother has undergone testing, appointments and a procedure. Perhaps it is because. Stepped off the elevator onto that same floor in the same hallway and felt it wash over me. The sadness, I thought it was slowly going away. And yet somehow it is just as painful and raw and I feel like I am starting the grieving all over again.
Maybe it’s because I never allowed myself to grieve. I mean, I am trying. But I have a TEENSY bit on my mind and I’m ever-so-slightly busy at the moment, you know? I mean, it’s not like Bugaboo is up all night, having manic episodes and Bug Boy is having difficulty controlling his OCD or anything. And it’s not like I have had to make a gazillion appointments to handle medical stuff with the kids, get on massive waiting lists and pay super-high deductibles or anything. OH WAIT! OPPOSITE DAY! I TOTALLY DO.
I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my dogs and I live my life. I am happy and fortunate and grateful for all that I have. But I need a damn break. And I don’t mean a night out. I need for things to let up just a tiny bit. Is that too much to ask, universe? And then maybe a few days away from it all.
Funny. This is about the time last year that I completely lost it and went away for the weekend with my husband. Hmmmm…