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The Name of This Post is Secret

14

March 7, 2012 by Marj Hatzell

Every day since last week I have been sitting here, staring at the screen, wondering what to write. I am going through something fit now, not exactly sure what it is. Perhaps since things are sort of in a holding pattern I can finally sit and process everything that has happened on my life the past six months or so.

I have been feeling overwhelmed for months, like I can’t catch my breath and can’t seem to catch a break. I have felt for a few years that I can’t endure another _______ (insert rotten thing that happened here) and then something gets heaped on me and I suck it up and deal and push through it. Onward and upward,right?

This is hard, yo. I know I say it’s just my reality but the truth is it is very hard. The constant sleep deprivation, having to pass up on things that make me happy. It’s hard. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever endured, next to my father’s death. And speaking of that, this week it was three months. Ninety days since I sat and held his hand and said goodbye while his heart and brain and kidneys slowly shut down. Ninety days since I had to watch my mother, my siblings and his siblings say goodbye in the most painful way. It sucks and I hate it.

Perhaps it is spurred by the fact that I am hormonal (thank you, stupid perimenopause!) or because I have been back and forth to that very same hospital a few times in the past few weeks while my mother has undergone testing, appointments and a procedure. Perhaps it is because. Stepped off the elevator onto that same floor in the same hallway and felt it wash over me. The sadness, I thought it was slowly going away. And yet somehow it is just as painful and raw and I feel like I am starting the grieving all over again.

Maybe it’s because I never allowed myself to grieve. I mean, I am trying. But I have a TEENSY bit on my mind and I’m ever-so-slightly busy at the moment, you know? I mean, it’s not like Bugaboo is up all night, having manic episodes and Bug Boy is having difficulty controlling his OCD or anything. And it’s not like I have had to make a gazillion appointments to handle medical stuff with the kids, get on massive waiting lists and pay super-high deductibles or anything. OH WAIT! OPPOSITE DAY! I TOTALLY DO.

I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my dogs and I live my life. I am happy and fortunate and grateful for all that I have. But I need a damn break. And I don’t mean a night out. I need for things to let up just a tiny bit. Is that too much to ask, universe? And then maybe a few days away from it all.

Funny. This is about the time last year that I completely lost it and went away for the weekend with my husband. Hmmmm…

14 thoughts on “The Name of This Post is Secret

  1. She Started It says:

    No, it’s not too much to ask. I’m sorry you’re missing your Dad.

    Also, perimenopause does really suck.

  2. Dawn says:

    there isn’t a goddamned thing i can say that doesn’t sound incredibly stupid. Other than i get it, girl. I get it. I say we all run away to Vegas for a weekend…

  3. punkymama says:

    I feel you.

    The last time we were away from the kids was over 2 years ago and since they were born we have been away overnight twice. Gotta love the lack of helpful people.

    I still get waves of grief from when my Dad died because I never dealt with it because I had a kid in the hospital so I missed the funeral.

    Wow I sound like psychotic debbie downer. What I mean to say is that I hope you get to sleep endlessly and have fun over multiple days. Toast a huge fruity drink for me when you do get to go…..Kiss every person in your family who loves and will take your kids overnight for me and ask them if they want to adopt a 45 year old redhead.

  4. RuthWells says:

    I’ve been cleared for visitors (though not for driving). Want to come over for tea and sympathy?

    Xo

  5. I lost my dad in 04 before My David was thought of, every time I think I’m getting used to it something hits me. A little while ago I had to file for a new Birth Certificate, mine was literally in pieces and the Secretary of State wouldn’t let me use it even after I taped it back together. I was quite shocked to see the address of my childhood home on it, it brought back such a flood of memories. The last time I was truly at peace with life was when I lived there and things have been so hectic since he died, he was my anchor.

  6. Karen V. says:

    I’m sorry you are feeling it so strong right now but it’s all so fresh that if you didn’t feel it, well – you know. There will always be times like this. Our times are harder with our kids needs always there too but when you think of it, when the times are good, those moments are really better in a way that most people could not understand. I hope the blues pass you by quickly.

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