February 9, 2012 by Marj Hatzell
You know, before I had kids I never, ever wanted to be alone. I despised it. I grew up in a large family so noise, chaos and people around constantly were all I knew. Even if no one was home there was a cat or dog or bird or hamster to keep us company. Preferably a dog.
When I moved out and married The Guy I Live With it was more of the same. I didn’t like being alone. I didn’t want to go home to a empty house. We had a cat for a short time (who crawled off and died, and I am totally not a cat person but cried when this damn cat died. Dammit) and when she kicked the bucket I finally relented and let The Guy I Live With get a dog. I had dogs my whole life, I knew how much work they could be and even though I loved them, I wasn’t sure we were ready. Enter Shad Roe the Wonder Dog.
I was pregnant a month later.
I haven’t been alone since, really.
The funniest part about it is I have finally learned to be Alone. It took me several years to realize why I didn’t want to be “alone.” Except I don’t consider it being alone. I consider it being with myself.
Why didn’t I like being “with myself?” I was afraid of my own thoughts. Being by myself meant I had to THINK about things.
I am easily distracted and have ADHD (NO! YOU DON’T SAY) and being alone meant I had to organize things or else I couldn’t function. Ha! ORGANIZE! HAHAHA!
Flash forward a few years. I loooooove to be by/with myself. Love it. As in, cherish IT, count the moments until I can have IT. Mourn on Fridays when IT disappears, happy to see IT again on Monday morning.
What inspired this change? Not sure if it was having kids (not so likely) or having special kids (pretty sure this is the answer right here) but I learned to cherish the quiet moments, to enjoy the sound of the clock ticking or the snoring dog. I learned to enjoy the sound of silence. I learned to be fine with my thoughts and to process them. I learned to argue with myself but if I go out in public that kinda scares people so I try not to do that so often. Just sayin’.
Especially fun? Shopping with myself. Because no one wants to shop with me anymore. Ahem.
Anyways, I have a few hours to myself today and I plan on using them verrrrrry wisely. It’s Friday, which is like my Monday. Except I get Monday through Friday rolled into two days, times ten with a remainder of three, etc, etc and the real Monday is my Friday and then I want to sleep for a few days. Until my Monday. Know what I mean? Confused?
Yeah. Me, too.