Because I Have Absosmurfly Nothing Going on in my Life…


September 14, 2011 by Marj Hatzell

I don’t have enough going on in my life.

I mean, there’s the special kids, one of whom is severely disabled. And then there’s my three-legged dog. And my parents, who both have end-stage, life-threatening diseases. And then there’s my son’s school, where I feel the need to volunteer. And then there’s the babysitting. And the dogsitting. And blogging (hey, I actually get paid for some of it, yo). And the regular “mommy” stuff. And the special “mommy” stuff.

Yep, nothing going on.

So what does one do when there’s nothing going on in one’s life?  Why, HOME IMPROVEMENT, of course!

So. Carpets. Steaming. Know how I do lots of that? And know how I had my parent’s evil attack dog for like, weeks at a time this year? Well, evil little dog has an evil little secret. He pees. Everywhere. On everything. Like, constantly marks. Honestly, he behaves fine and is quite snuggly and cute and stuff. But he pees everywhere. Including on carpet.

And I have enough carpet cleaning to do with Bugaboo, no?

My sister was kind enough to give me a reprieve from the dog a few weeks ago because it was getting BAD with me dog sitting and him being all passive-aggressive/passive-dominant and peeing and marking and stuff. He wasn’t getting along with the dogs. And I know he peed and I’d clean it up. Except I didn’t realize how much he was peeing everywhere. And a few weeks later we were noticing an odor. There’s no mistaking his pee, see. We know the smell. And the odor got worse and worse. I would shampoo the carpet and a few days later the smell would be back. So I’d shampoo it more. And use different stuff. And try hotter water. And it would be great for a few days and then the smell would be back.

And all this time I was begging for new floors. Like, anything but carpeting because HELLO! BUGABOO!

And the Guy I Live With said I was out of my mind. New floors cost tons o’dough. And we didn’t have tons o’dough. And besides, the new floors would just get ruined by our resident dogs, Daisy and Bristol. And Bugaboo. Mostly Bugaboo.

A few weeks went by. The smell got worse and worse. I’d shampoo. It came back.

That’s when I realized he had been peeing on furniture. ON LOTS OF FURNITURE. Now, we knew he did this at my parents’ house and we ended up pulling up the floors, putting down new carpeting, redrywalling and replacing their recliners. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me he’d do it at my house. And he didn’t just pick one spot. He peed on the shoe cabinet, where the boys sit and put their shoes on in the morning. He peed on wall corners. On the piano bench and piano. On the dry sink and table and and chairs and wine rack in the dining room. On the leather couch. Everywhere.

And some of it? Completely ruined. Like, had to throw-out ruined. Like, it’s-breaking-my-heart-and-I-want-to-cry ruined. Including the piano.

So last night, we started ripping up the carpets down to the subfloor. And we’re going to replace them with something room by room as the paychecks allow. We also have to replace trim (he peed on that) and had to get rid of half the furniture in the Living and Dining Rooms (he peed on that, too).

It’s killing me.

At least we’re getting new floors. But I seriously want to strangle that dog and I AM THE CRAZY DOG LADY. In the meantime, we’re pulling up carpet staples. THOUSANDS OF THEM. And removing trim. And finding evidence of even more hideousness. More than I thought was possible in my built-in-the-eighties-and-it-shows house. Just feast your eyes on this:

And underneath what I thought was the original cornflower blue carpet was another eighties atrocity: DUSTY ROSE!

But wait! There’s more!  The wall paper I so dilligently peeled off last year (cornflower blue and dusty rose flowers, ducks, heart, BLARGH!)? When we pulled off the trim we found, you guessed it, Cornflower blue wallpaper with dusty rose stripes!  But hey, at least it wasn’t seafoam green and peach like the rest of the eighties, right? I just got eighties-country. Great.

What a surprise! Cornflower blue and dusty rose! Again! And again!

I love finding shiz like this when we do home improvement. It was almost as much fun as the mold and leaking we found when we did our bathroom! Almost.

Anyways, dearest readers, what atrocities have you come across whilst attempting weekend warrior status? Do tell…


10 thoughts on “Because I Have Absosmurfly Nothing Going on in my Life…

  1. texylady says:

    You mean like the cream wallpaper with the blue stripes and dusty rose hearts that is still in my powder room? Then, like you there was the shower. I chipped the grout out to remove a broken tile and the wall came off with it. And speaking of doggy home improvement, mine have been working on removing the window sills, one nibble at at time. For Thanksgiving last year I trimmed off the chewed up wood, sanded it and painted it white so it was not so obvious. Now there are white slivers everywhere. The puppies are 2 years old. Knock it off already!

  2. texylady says:

    Oh, and upstairs (where we never go) we still have the pinky carpet. But since nobody lives up there but spiders and dust bunnies, it is #1000 on the to-do list.

  3. We had pine knots not primed and used to replace parts of old house molding. Under the blue cloud wall paper with inspirational quote border, painted paneling. I was afraid to find out what was behind the paneling. I had a kitchen with rose marbled wallpaper. We never got around to finding out what was under it. Sad thing is it wasn’t an 80’s relic. It was brand new in 2004 when we bought the house. We bought an old Victorian. I’m over it. Glad we’re back to renting until retirement.

  4. Janet says:

    It is amazing how a few colors will date a house – because personally, I don’t think the 80’s were all that long ago (yes, I know, I’m showing my age!)

    Sorry to read about all the pee-damage. I don’t have near the amount you do, but all of mine is from my soon-to-be 9-year-old. He pretty much stays with pee-ing on my bedroom carpet and on the sides of my mattress and boxsprings which aren’t covered with a waterproof cover. When I get a new set (hopefully soon) will will be putting BOTH pieces in zip-up plastic so they are ENTIRELY covered. I need to pull up the carpet, but will probably need to live with subflooring for a while.

    And life goes on …

  5. Hey! We have a three-legged cat! Marj!! WE ARE TWINS!!

  6. Laurie M. says:

    Two words: mint green. Lots of it. On the walls.

  7. This post had me thinking. When we were looking to buy a house last, I swear every house has a pink, teal, or pink and teal bathroom in it somewhere. Many had that fake grass glued to the front porch in either blue or the green. Almost all of the foreclosures we looked at had brand new windows, but poor electrical and often leaky roofs.

  8. […] I know I told you we ripped up carpeting. Without a plan to replace it. Because that’s how we roll around here and stuff. But we still […]

  9. […] know why? We don’t have carpets. I mean, we have the one in the basement because the floor is pretty flipping cold otherwise. We […]

  10. […] worst part about all of this is their dog. You remember the killer-attack-dog, Cujo? The little, destructive scamp of a dog? Yes. Well, he belonged to my Dad. Mom isn’t in the physical condition to take care […]

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