September 14, 2011 by Marj Hatzell
I don’t have enough going on in my life.
I mean, there’s the special kids, one of whom is severely disabled. And then there’s my three-legged dog. And my parents, who both have end-stage, life-threatening diseases. And then there’s my son’s school, where I feel the need to volunteer. And then there’s the babysitting. And the dogsitting. And blogging (hey, I actually get paid for some of it, yo). And the regular “mommy” stuff. And the special “mommy” stuff.
Yep, nothing going on.
So what does one do when there’s nothing going on in one’s life? Why, HOME IMPROVEMENT, of course!
So. Carpets. Steaming. Know how I do lots of that? And know how I had my parent’s evil attack dog for like, weeks at a time this year? Well, evil little dog has an evil little secret. He pees. Everywhere. On everything. Like, constantly marks. Honestly, he behaves fine and is quite snuggly and cute and stuff. But he pees everywhere. Including on carpet.
And I have enough carpet cleaning to do with Bugaboo, no?
My sister was kind enough to give me a reprieve from the dog a few weeks ago because it was getting BAD with me dog sitting and him being all passive-aggressive/passive-dominant and peeing and marking and stuff. He wasn’t getting along with the dogs. And I know he peed and I’d clean it up. Except I didn’t realize how much he was peeing everywhere. And a few weeks later we were noticing an odor. There’s no mistaking his pee, see. We know the smell. And the odor got worse and worse. I would shampoo the carpet and a few days later the smell would be back. So I’d shampoo it more. And use different stuff. And try hotter water. And it would be great for a few days and then the smell would be back.
And all this time I was begging for new floors. Like, anything but carpeting because HELLO! BUGABOO!
And the Guy I Live With said I was out of my mind. New floors cost tons o’dough. And we didn’t have tons o’dough. And besides, the new floors would just get ruined by our resident dogs, Daisy and Bristol. And Bugaboo. Mostly Bugaboo.
A few weeks went by. The smell got worse and worse. I’d shampoo. It came back.
That’s when I realized he had been peeing on furniture. ON LOTS OF FURNITURE. Now, we knew he did this at my parents’ house and we ended up pulling up the floors, putting down new carpeting, redrywalling and replacing their recliners. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me he’d do it at my house. And he didn’t just pick one spot. He peed on the shoe cabinet, where the boys sit and put their shoes on in the morning. He peed on wall corners. On the piano bench and piano. On the dry sink and table and and chairs and wine rack in the dining room. On the leather couch. Everywhere.
And some of it? Completely ruined. Like, had to throw-out ruined. Like, it’s-breaking-my-heart-and-I-want-to-cry ruined. Including the piano.
So last night, we started ripping up the carpets down to the subfloor. And we’re going to replace them with something room by room as the paychecks allow. We also have to replace trim (he peed on that) and had to get rid of half the furniture in the Living and Dining Rooms (he peed on that, too).
It’s killing me.
At least we’re getting new floors. But I seriously want to strangle that dog and I AM THE CRAZY DOG LADY. In the meantime, we’re pulling up carpet staples. THOUSANDS OF THEM. And removing trim. And finding evidence of even more hideousness. More than I thought was possible in my built-in-the-eighties-and-it-shows house. Just feast your eyes on this:
But wait! There’s more! The wall paper I so dilligently peeled off last year (cornflower blue and dusty rose flowers, ducks, heart, BLARGH!)? When we pulled off the trim we found, you guessed it, Cornflower blue wallpaper with dusty rose stripes! But hey, at least it wasn’t seafoam green and peach like the rest of the eighties, right? I just got eighties-country. Great.
I love finding shiz like this when we do home improvement. It was almost as much fun as the mold and leaking we found when we did our bathroom! Almost.
Anyways, dearest readers, what atrocities have you come across whilst attempting weekend warrior status? Do tell…