The Keys to the Kingdom


May 9, 2011 by Marj Hatzell

As far as weekends go, this one was the awesomest. And yes, it’s a word. At least it is now, because the Queen doth proclaim it, and I’m the Queen and that’s all you need to know. So go forth and have a nice day.  Bye!


Did you really think you’d get off that easily?  C’MON.

So. Last week The Guy I Live With was in Belgium and I was a hot mess because I suck at parenting Bugaboo solo. And while he was gone, we planned to have our minivan fixed. No, not the old one. The new one. Yes, I am aware they are nearly identical. Anyways, we planned on having it fixed because the new neighbors? The super-duper-nice ones (the ones who leave toilets on their front lawn for weeks)? She backed into the new-to-us one about month after we got it and dented the side. So we had to deal with estimates and insurance and nonsense and finally made the appointment to get it fixed and we thought, “Hey!  Hubs is away, no need to deal with a rental, right? We’ll get it fixed while he’s away!” And that was a perfect plan. Except for the fact that he got back and it wasn’t finished on the promised day. And instead of dealing with a rental I just told The Guy I Live With to take my car to work. Which meant I had no car. Which was ok because I had housework to do and stuff (just don’t ask me how much housework I got done because answer=ZERO). On the way home from work on Friday, TGILW decided to stop by the dealership and sign the paperwork since my car (remember,identical to his car) was finished. And just then the clouds parted and a ray of light appeared and a chorus of angels sang and he saw this:


He came home and mentioned THE CAR in passing and that night we drove back out there to get identical-to-the-one-we-have-minivan and he pulled up near THE CAR and pointed it out and we got out to look at THE CAR.  And decided the next morning we’d go back and test drive THE CAR, since the dealership was closed at that point. And since they kind of frown upon people driving the cars and touching them when they are closed and stuff? We went back. And asked about a trade-in. And they looked at the OLD van (identical to the NEW van) and said, “We’ll give you insert amount five hundred over what we wanted here. What do you think?” And what we thought was HELLZ YEAH, WE’LL TAKE IT and drove off with a shiny, new-to-us fancy-schmancy car.  Emphasis on fancy.

Then later Saturday we hosted a family party at our house to celebrate my brother’s impending marriage (which we aren’t attending in St. Lucia. Long story short, BACK ISSUES) and then Sunday we got up and I talked TGILW into taking me to breakfast, only Bugaboo really wasn’t in the mood to eat bacon so Bugaboo and I sat outside while Daddy and Bug Boy finished breakfast and Bugaboo dined al fresco on a bag of chips purchased from the little local grocery three doors down:

Pommes de terre al fresco. Breakfast of champions.

We headed home, did yard work, and then we went to every garden center in the tri state area looking for a very important and specific plant and then spent the afternoon doing yard work and getting filthy and planting stuff and hanging out and enjoying our day. Because nothing makes me happier than having a nice garden:


Except maybe taters.

And while we did tons of yard work, The Little Actress from down the street (my wanna-be daughter. I mean, I want a daughter, I’m not sure she wants to be my daughter. But I digress) played with Bugaboo and he WANTED to play with her and she WANTED to play with him and she’s all sweet and wonderful for putting aside their very obvious differences and doing what he wanted to do. The sound of his infectious laughter is music to my ears and makes my eyes watery. You know, from allergies and stuff. Definitely wasn’t crying:

Kids that play together. Awesomesauce.

And the dogs ran about the yard, slobbering and drooling and pooing having a good time. And because I didn’t have enough to do this weekend, I had four guest doggies for one night and two for the whole week (four plus two is six, for those of you not good at math). One of them is a friend of a friend’s dog (my next door neighbor’s cousin’s former roommate’s girlfriend. No, not really. It’s a quote from a movie) and she is attached to my hip and even follows me to the shower, where I have to kick her out:


The other doggy is my brother’s insane, anxious Shepherd who thinks he’s an eight pound lap dog and is afraid of the yorkie who lives down the street:

Nervous shepherd who thinks he weighs eight pounds. More like eighty. You know, ten times eight?

And while the dogs frolicked in the yard and Bugaboo played with The Little Actress and Bug Boy scowled at me for making him be out side and stuff and TGILW helped me water my newly planted  garden he LOST THE KEYS TO HIS NEW CAR. Like, THE CAR we had for twenty-four hours? The new car with only ONE SET OF KEYS? Yes. Those. Put them down to take out the trash and POOF. Gone. And we spent three hours looking for them until it got dark and then we got out a halogen spot light and looked more and got up at 6am and looked even more and we dug through trash and moved furniture in the house and walked the yard in a grid and looked and looked so more. So now we have to spend $500 to re-key the new car that we only had one set of keys for because the we cannot drive said new car. And it sits in the driveway waiting for the locksmith.

Abso-smurfly awesome weekend.


6 thoughts on “The Keys to the Kingdom

  1. Amanda says:

    You know, as soon as your payment goes through to get new keys for the car, the old ones will magically reappear, right? Something like how socks mysteriously disappear out of the dryer.

  2. Jen says:

    So… I was almost in tears about your Faux Daughter playing so nicely with Bugaboo and how sweet that was and then I get to the part about the Keys and all my tears dried up and I got a little bit angry. So, thanks for that. I hate to end a post on possible weepy tears because that sets a precedent for the next thing I do and I really don’t need my coffee full of salty tears.

    Also? Best weekend ever. Except for the keys. That just sucks.

  3. Anne says:

    Maybe you’ll get lucky and find the keys before the locksmith arrives, and then all you’ll need him to do is copy them. I hope so, anyway! Also, this trick sometimes works for me when I have lost something: I just picture myself holding the thing and I think to myself: It is here somewhere. And within 24 hours, I find it. Either a thought pops into my mind as to where it could be, or it appears somewhere where I swear it wasn’t a few minutes ago. I don’t question this. I just go with it.

    • Erica says:

      I totally believe in this kind of stuff– I JUST found my lost keys behind my son’s bed about an hour ago that way!

      Also, there’s the St. Anthony prayer which ALWAYS works (on everything except keys): “St. Anthony, St. Anthony, please come down. Something is lost that must be found!” Have to say it with total sincerity, though– say it mockingly and he won’t come down.

  4. Erica says:

    Also, I love it when you randomly bust out the Kanye photo– always makes me LOL. 🙂

  5. I wanna be like you when I grow up. You’re much funnier than I am! 🙂

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