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The Reason We’ve Owned Seven Vaccums in Eight Years

6

January 10, 2011 by Marj Hatzell

This weekend the intense pain subsided a little bit. And by subside, I mean I was able to sit and stand for more than thirty minutes at a time so I consider me CURED! YEAH!

Except I’m totally not cured. But I did get The Guy I Live With and Bug Boy to carry laundry down for me. Plus, The Guy helped me take down curtains, fix curtain rods and wash curtains. We vacuumed the whole house. And I got it straightened. It looked pretty darn awesome in here.

Notice I said looked. As in, past tense.

What happened? Bugaboo. That’s all you need to know. Let’s just say he’s a naturally messy child. Between his new-found interest in wall  murals (thank goodness he is using dry erase markers and not indelible ink) and his propensity for scattering things like confetti, it barely looks like i did a thing. And it makes me feel defeated. Which is why sometimes I just give up.

So, y’all, if you know me in real life?  Or ever think you’ll come to my house? There are a few things you need to know:

  • We aren’t painting the walls any time soon. There isn’t much point.
  • We will always have leather couches from here on out. Easier to clean up puke and pee.
  • If I do paint, it will be with shiny paint so it’s easier to clean off. Previous owners’ flat paint? SUX. Also? White SUX. That is all.
  • The dreadful carpets and laminate tile ain’t goin’ nowhere anytime soon.
  • If you walk in here, expect to hear crunch, crunch, crunch or feel your feet stick momentarily like a movie theater floor.
  • Most stuff in our house is either damaged or broken. Again, Bugaboo. ‘Nuff said.
  • Our cars? Same rules apply
  • Do not bring something you’d like to see again besides your coat and shoes. Bugaboo might swipe those and run to his room, too.
  • If you stay with us for any length of time, chances are I will change the sheets daily. Not because you are dirty but because he likes to climb nekkid under the covers and pee. A lot. And? Expect to get into a bed full of crumbs.  Also? Hide the toothpaste and other toiletries under the locked bathroom cabinet because he eats them.
  • His room at any given moment smells like a combination of parmesan cheese, salt, pepper, bread crumbs, cereal and toilet cleaner. Which is why I buy all-natural cleaners.
  • He routinely appears seconds after he disappears. Nekkid.
  • He will do anything for a bath. We spell the word bath here. We spell most things here. Eventually, he’ll know how to spell and we’ll use pig-Latin. DO NOT SAY THE WORD BATH.
  • Wear ear muffs. Bugaboo + Bug Boy = 100 decibel hearing loss.

And that’s all you need to know about visiting us.  Which is why no one comes to visit…Hmmm…starting to see a correlation here.

6 thoughts on “The Reason We’ve Owned Seven Vaccums in Eight Years

  1. Thank you for making me feel like our house is normal. I swear if we charged our oldest (9) for all the stuff he’s broken, we’d already own at least his first year’s salary. Oh, and bath? WE have to spell it BACKWARDS.

  2. It is hilarious how much my house is just like this – the confetti, the walls, the nekkid peeing boy. Good stuff – thanks again for the laugh and for helping me remember there are other people who are dealing with the same stuff 🙂

  3. Miss Mommy says:

    I had to laugh – all the Google ads underneath your blog post are for carpet cleaning services.

  4. Judi says:

    Yep, sounds like our house! We have a two year old that loves wall murals herself. We just moved into this brand spankin new house in June and it looks like we’ve lived in it for years!! We aren’t painting either, but I hear you on the glossy paint…builder’s paint sucks.

    We also have a nekkid boy…he’s either wandering around naked or has 15 layers of clothing on…always looks like a rag-a-muffin!

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