December 29, 2010 by Marj Hatzell
Here we are nearly three weeks later and I’m still a pathetic pile of sludge, relegated to the couch. I can go up and down the stairs a handful of times a day and if I’m a good girl and don’t do any labor whatsoever, I can tolerate sitting at the table for meals. For about three minutes. Go me.
It turns out that these discs in your back? They are useful for tons of things. Like, being able to reach your own feet to tie your shoes. And shaving your legs. And putting on pants. Or underwear. Or standing in the shower. Who knew? I do now.
So the plan? On January 10th I finally have an appointment at the pain management clinic. I will be undergoing PT as soon as the inflammation goes down and the pain lessens. For now, it’s rest, rest, rest. And, if you’ve been reading for any length of time or know me well, you’ll know that the dreaded, four-letter R-WORD is not exactly in my vocabulary. I can’t sit so I’m half-reclined on pillows, with a laptop, phone and tv clicker at arms reach. And a heating pad and TENS unit, plus some sports ice/heat cream stuff that smells like the devil. And since I have a spooky honker and am kind obsessed with smells, that’s bad. I can hobble to the bathroom when I need to. Bug Boy has been my right-hand man (well, left, since that’s the numb one, but still). And thank goodness The Guy I Live With is home on vacation this week (we were supposed to go to Tennessee. Had to cancel it. Boo.).
I’m slowly losing my mind. I can’t drive. I can’t sit. I can’t do simple household chores. I don’t know why we pay for cable, because there isn’t sh*t on.
Wanna know what’s interesting? Sure you do. And if you don’t, too bad, I’m telling you anyway. I’ve had some fabulous insight the past two weeks. Maybe it’s the “Don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone” phenomenon or maybe it’s the muscle relaxants (it’s totally the drugs) but I have noticed a few things while laid-up and stuck in the house with cabin fever:
- The electric wheelchair/cart thingies in major deparment stores and grocery stores totally rock. Target has the best ones, hands down. Lowes’ sucked hairy cajones.
- Some People are totally rude to people in wheelchairs. These electric things do NOT stop on a dime, yo. So don’t cut me off, ’cause I will totally ram into you. And not on purpose, either. Maybe. OK, I wanted to ram someone for being a douche but I didn’t. Scouts honor, cross my heart and hope to die.
- Stores are NOT set up for people in wheelchairs. Being stuck in one blows sometimes because you can’t reach shiz that you need and gosh forbid there actually be a person that WORKS in the store to help you out and reach something. This is not good, y’all. Worst store offender? Kohl’s. Thank goodness for kind people offering to help. There are actually still nice people in the world.
- People stare at people in wheelchairs. It’s ridiculous. I know you’ve seen one before and quite frankly it’s none of your freaking business why I’m sitting in one. Grow up, eejits. I can’t believe someone would ask that. A nine-year-old? I expect it. But an adult? *eyeroll*
- What’s the point of handicapped parking if it isn’t near the main door or ramps? Not everyone has a motorized wheelchair. Sometimes folks have to walk into the store to the courtesy desk or customer service desk to borrow a wheelchair and that is a LONG WALK when you can’t straighten your leg or have to limp the whole way.
- Muscle relaxants rock. Although they give me some funky, hotter-than-blazes dreams. Ahem.
- I can now tell you the precise times of day the sun comes through each window in my house. I can also tell you what time my neighbors all leave and come home. I can also tell you the times every dog in my neighborhood walks by for their daily walk. Except my dogs, who haven’t been walked in two weeks now.
- If you miss something on tv, chances are they will replay it between 12 and 4am, before they go to infomercials for two hours. And if you act now, you’ll get ALL THREE special deals, not for $29.99 but for three EASY payments of $19.99. Plus Shipping and handling.
- It’s really, really, REALLY hard to type when you are horizontal.
Aren’t you glad I’ve noticed these things?