September 28, 2010 by Marj Hatzell
Once upon a time in a small town like Mayberry, a princess QUEEN lived with her Prince and two young princes. They also had two dogs, a three-car garage (with two cars worth of crap in it), a finished basement, a fireplace, a pretty patio, great neighbors royal subjects and a nice garden. They lived a pretty darn good life. But the Prince wasn’t happy. See, the Prince liked green things. Like grass. Lots and lots of grass. And trees. But only hardwood trees. Fruit trees and pine are the devil. But the grass? It wasn’t always greener on the other side. That’s a big, fat, stupid lie.
When the Queen and Prince lived in their previous old, dilapidated charming castle, people would stop and tell the Queen how nice the lawn always looked. It was better than a golf course, yo. The Prince, you see, likes him some grass. He spent tons of time mowing, weeding, fertilizing and loving the grass. Every spring, when the snow melted and the grass became greener, the Prince was right out there fertilizing and taking care of the lawn. He’d go out with a shovel and dig up every single dandelion,weed and clover. BY HAND. With a hand trowel. In fact, every time the Queen turned around the Prince was fertilizing or mowing or weeding or loving on his grass. And he would patch bare spots in the grass left from toys and other objects left in the yard. For eight years he patched the SAME EXACT SPOTS in the yard,in the hopes they’d actually produce some grass. And in eight years, guess what? NO GRASS IN THOSE SPOTS. The Prince was apparently a slow learner. The obsession continued when he began bringing home lawn mowers. And more lawn mowers. And a few more lawn mowers. The Prince would find them in people’s trash and bring them home and fix them up. By the time they were ready to sell their first castle there were SIX LAWNMOWERS in their possession. Obsessed much?
When they bought their current newer, dilapidated updated castle there was literally no grass in the backyard. The Queen and Prince (mostly the Prince, though the Queen willed it to happen) spent copious amounts of time digging up sand left from the above-ground pool the previous owners left. Then the Queen and Prince (mostly the Prince, the Queen watched and directed) had dirt delivered, patched the whole yard, aerated, spread seed and watched the green grass grow. When they realized their new kingdom was much larger and it took three hours with a push mower to cut the lawn, the Prince spent a week stalking researching local John Deere dealerships in search of the perfect lawn tractor.
In less than one year their new yard reached golf course status. But by the end of the summer there were a few lingering brown patches of dirt. Spots like under the hammock, at the bottom of the steps from the porch, in front of the gates, where puddles linger after storms and where they stepped out of their cars royal carriage were bare. But that didn’t stop the Prince. Oh No. He patched them anyways. And the next year? He patched them again. And again. And five years later? Yes. He patched them again. Because apparently, even though the SAME EXACT SPOTS as last year did not grow grass there will now be some sort of miracle and these spots will SUDDENLY SPROUT GRASS AND GROW.
Naturally, the Prince picked the perfect day to do it, too. Right before a predicted rainstorm and two inches of rain and the forecast called for five days straight of precipitation. And suddenly the Prince is all crabby because the Queen dog sits and the dogs may or may not have ruined a few patches of grass around the yard. So he went out there, with the royal family’s two dogs and a guest doggy and patched and filled and seeded and then hosed the spots. And when he brushed his hands off and reeled the hose back in her turned around to admire his handiwork…
And the dogs were walking all through it. Footprints, y’all. Ruined.
After unleashing a stream of obscenities that would make The Prince of Darkness blush, the Prince did his best to repatch the spots and then put a bunch of chairs around the patches (and the largest patch, under the royal hammock) to keep the dogs out. He then stood back to admire his work again…
And the dogs were sitting in it. Rolling around.
The Prince was getting pretty stabby mighty steamed at this point. The Queen dragged out some baby play yards to go around the spots, helped him patch it back up and then they chased the dogs inside. The next morning, the Queen took the royal garbage out to the royal garbage cans and peeked over the baby gates to see the largest patch. Dog prints. And then the she sauntered over to check a few other smaller spots. DUG UP. The Queen was not amused. But you know who was even less amused? The Prince.
Because the Queen married Forrest Gump, y’all. Man is OBSESSED with lawns. Even checks the pH. Yes, the pH of the lawn. Betcha didn’t know folks did that, did you? YOU DO NOW.