August 18, 2010 by Marj Hatzell
Once upon a time there lived a Prince and his Princess QUEEN and they had two young princely sons. The Prince and QUEEN and their two princes lived in a humble castle in a Mayberry-esque town and everything was calm and normal. Except for the fact that the QUEEN routinely had to steam the royal carpets because one of the princes had a habit of peeing on them, they lived happily ever after most of the time. Really. Not much happened.
Now, the first few years of their marriage merging of their kingdoms they had non-stop excitement. The Prince and the QUEEN and their princes endured quite a bit. Their young princes had many medical issues and spent many days in royal therapy to help deal with their seizures, autism, physical and emotional delays. They spent oodles and oodles of their savings the royal treasury trying to help the princes because some of the therapy wasn’t covered by insurance. Basically, the QUEEN’S whole life revolved around chauffer-ing the princes to appointments (six per month minimum) at the local royal children’s hospital, filling out paperwork and forms, calling insurance companies and doctors and attending the Royal IEP meetings. The rest of her life was steaming royal carpets (due to the royal princely poo), taking care of other Royal’s canines and heirs and attempting to catch up on her beauty sleep, since Prince Bugaboo was not terribly fond of sleeping. People always told the QUEEN that they felt sorry for her since her life was so chaotic and hectic and she cleaned up so much royal poo. But the QUEEN just laughed it off, saying that she was never bored.
One day, everything changed. Prince Bugaboo began attending a new, awesome royal school. Slowly and steadily, Prince Bugaboo began going through changes. He began sitting through meals at the royal banquet hall, began trying new foods and began eating PERIOD. Then Prince Bugaboo began gaining weight. Prince Bugaboo’s medical issues began disappearing one by one, because the Prince and QUEEN found out he was allergic to a few royal foods. When the Prince and QUEEN went to their favorite neighboring royal marketplace, IKEA, their young princes would behave beautifully. The young princes would also behave at local pizza inns. Little by little things improved for the Royal family.
One day the Queen woke up and looked around. Her castle wasn’t a complete wreck. In fact, one could walk across the floor in the royal banquet hall and NOT TRIP OVER ANYTHING. The QUEEN began finding more and more time to do things. Like shower! And deep clean her house castle! And go out for coffee mead! And everyone began getting a full-night’s sleep. The royal bedchambers? Only the Prince and QUEEN slept in there! Well, and the royal dogs. It was magical.
It was then the QUEEN realized how much her family’s life had improved. Thanks to an awesome team of royal teachers and therapists, some adequate nutrition and health and some awesome royal medicine, her life was no longer a royal pain in the arse. In fact…it was, dare she think, BORING. All her life the QUEEN wished for silence. Boredom. The mundane. Nothingness. Sleep. Peace. The Royal family was finally getting it. Things were calm and normal. And they were going to live happily, ever after. Just like everyone else.
And now the QUEEN needs to get a job.