July 29, 2010 by Marj Hatzell
I don’t know how it happened.
I used to be a girl who knew how to have fun. People knew I liked a good party and could have a good time. No lampshades on the head here but I will admit to losing a few shirts (and socks. And pants. You don’t want to know.) before heading home. Also? Getting to know each other in the biblical sense. Outside. In a State Forest. On an access road on a blanket on top of rocks and sticks and there were ants and bugs crawling and...I don’t recommend it. And that was when I was sober. What? Are you shocked? Golly Ned, there’s so much about me you don’t know.
How in the world did I get this Goody Two-Shoes reputation anyways? President of the Home and School Association? Babysitter? Dogsitter? Homeroom mom? Tutor? Church member participating in music ministry? For crying out loud, I’ve become ONE OF THEM. The boring, adult population. The folks who turn off their tvs at the same time every single night and go to bed. At the same time every single night. And sometimes we get all kinds of crazy and sleep in! Until eight am! On weekends! Holy Crud, my life is a far cry from the shaved head, multiple piercings, almost-tattoo (turns out they won’t do it if you are under age or inebriated. I was both.), ridiculous clothing, clunky shoes and loud music. The all-night parties? GONE. Underwear worn as outer wear? GONE. Bars? Drinks? Concerts? GONE.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’m about to come clean.
Are you ready for this? I AM NOT AS INNOCENT AND PLAIN-JANE AS EVERYONE THINKS I AM. No! Really! It’s true! I can get wild and crazy! I can be spontaneous still! Honest! There’s this other part of me, see. The part that still knows how to let loose. And still uphold my reputation.
Like, when my sister had her fortieth birthday. I hosted it in my backyard. We may or may not have had a wee bit to drink. Or not. Or did. It’s hard to remember. But I do remember telling the kids to go play in the basement and leave the adults alone around eleven. The next day there were pictures of me posted on FB that may or may not have shown what style and brand of bra I was wearing. Just sayin’.
And sometimes? We do husband and wife stuff that is a bit, shall we say, naughty? Because it is. And it’s fun. And luckily, we forgot about carbon monoxide poisoning and got out of the garage alive. And we own stuff, too. Like, adult stuff. Just sayin’. the good news? Bugaboo hasn’t found that adult stuff because he might mistake some of it for sensory toys and…well, that wouldn’t go well. Yeah. Remind me to tell you about the time he found the edible massage oil and poured it all over the carpet in our bedroom. Wanna know how to get oil out of a carpet? So do I.
And I may or may not frequent certain slightly inappropriate news sites (inappropriate for adults, totally off-limits for kids under, say, 21?) and other websites that some people would find quite offensive. And people are always, “Um. DG? Did you mean to link to that story on that site? I mean, it’s full of… profanity! It’s…morally offensive!” And I’m all, “Uh, wrong URL? Whoopsy. Whoops. Ahem.” No, don’t worry, none of it is pr0n. I only look at that stuff when I’m in it.
There’s more. But I don’t want to shock you that much. I don’t want people to look at me funny when they see me. Because right now they don’t look at me funny (ok, I lied, they totally do, but it’s because I usually have mustard on my chin or my hair dye backfires LIKE THIS WEEK or they wonder why a grown woman is dressed like THAT). I’ve got this sterling reputation to uphold, afterall.