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Where I Channel Esther Williams

4

June 2, 2010 by Marj Hatzell

I’m going to let you in on some insider information about DG.  Brace yourselves because this is some heavy – stuff, y’all.  Ready?

I do not like to be wet.  Ever.

Now, I know  you’re saying to yourself, “DG. Surely you like to shower?” And the answer is…NO.  I do not like it, Sam I am. . In fact,  I detest taking baths and rarely take one. I have a shower routine that rivals Mr. Gilbreth in Cheaper by the Dozen (you know, the Dad?  The efficiency expert with the twelve kids and they all have a few milliseconds to take a shower?) so that I spend the least amount of time possible in the shower.  In fact, I’m an every-other-day kind of showerer.  Is that a word? Showerer?  Is now.  Anyways, in the winter I take a shower every other day if I don’t work out.  In the summer? More often, obviously.

Don’t be too grossed out.  Honestly, Americans are obsessed with bathing. That much soap isn’t good for your skin or hair anyway. I wash my face and other important areas often enough.  So why don’t I like to be wet?  Simple, really.  I have massive sensory issues.  Just like my kids!  Just like my husband!  I have a funky, sensitive sense of smell, my skin crawls when it is wet and I hate my hair touched.

And now you all think I’m weeeeird, right?

Now, it was extremely difficult for me as a child because we belonged to a swim club and we were often at the pool.  We also frequented the beach.  Once I’m wet it isn’t too bad and I can kind of tolerate it if I’m completely submerged.  I was even on the swim team for a while at one point (I had a nice stroke, or so I was told by the coach. Read into that how you will!).  But the beach?  Sand?  Water? SENSORY OVERLOAD.  The pool?  Concrete?  Water?  Splashing? ACK!  Noooooo!

My kids and swimming?  SO NOT LIKE ME. They are practically fish. They would live in water if given the chance. They take ridiculously long baths and showers and get the wading pool and sprinklers out every chance they get.  Bugaboo even plays in the dogs’ water bowls. Yeah. Ew.

So we had to join the local swim club last year because my kids got bigger and they need pool time.  Lucky for us, the pool is open every day from the Saturday before Memorial Day to Labor Day.   I can take Bug Boy each and every day.  Bugaboo can go immediately after school and swim every single day. Which means I have to go with him.  In the water. Even though I totally hate it.  And it makes him poo IMMEDIATELY so I have to bribe him with the pool to get him to poo so he doesn’t go in the pool because EW.  Remember the $17 shower at the Marriot? POO IN POOLS IS BAD.

The best part of the pool?  Well, we were there this afternoon. And this is what my kids are doing right now:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

’nuff said.

4 thoughts on “Where I Channel Esther Williams

  1. Deb says:

    I have NEVER met anyone else who hates to be wet as much as I do. When I’m *in* the pool I’m okay, but as soon as I get out I feel gross. I hate to shower and, like you, have perfected the 4-minute-including-shaving-and-shampoo shower. I usually do shower every day, simply because I sweat like a mofo (thank you, zoloft), but I put my hair up out of the way half the time because wet hair? Ugh, even grosser than wet skin.

  2. I can not relate to the water hating. Not at all.

    But I can totally relate to the beauty of the post swim nap. It’s a beautiful thing.

  3. Lora says:

    I’m more with Deb, I hate dampness. OMG do I hate dampness. I’m okay if I’m in the shower but I’m not okay getting out. And getting dressed if I’m not totally dried off? OH NO. Never. I’m gagging right now.

    I hate sitting poolside in a wet bathing suit, on a wet towel, with wet hair. I hate doing dishes. I don’t know what I hate more, wet hands or rubber gloves. Rubber gloves. Def.

    Thanks for the morning retch!!

  4. JoyMama says:

    Hi, I’m new here — and while I can’t personally identify with the water-aversion, I have a kiddo who fills a diaper at water-play, every single time. It can be the public pool, our backyard inflatable kiddie pool, rain puddles in the street. Doesn’t matter what kind of water play, poop will inevitably happen. What IS the deal?!

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