This Might Gross You Out


February 3, 2010 by Marj Hatzell

Don’t read if you have  a weak stomach.

We’ve all had colds brewing in these here parts.   I have had the runny nose/scratchy throat thing going on and this morning I woke up with my eye glued shut.  Ew.  Ever since I scratched my eyeball with a price tag from ON before Christmas, this eye has bothered me. And now that my mucus membranes have lived up to their full potential (i.e. snot) my eye is sticky and gooey and BLARGH.

But Bugaboo, he has me beat.  A faucet of snot running down his face from his nose.  He won’t/can’t blow his nose so I have to ambush him when he least expects it and wipe.  Sometimes I can hand him a tissue and instruct him to wipe but he ends up smearing it across his cheek.  And then licking it off of his lips.  And when the crusty bits start bugging him, he digs for gold.  And then his nose starts bleeding from the digging.  This is especially helpful five minutes before the bus shows up.

He has stellar hygiene, this kid (that pesky autism).  Yes, I’m being facetious

My ears are itchy this morning (I SAID ITCHY. THEY ITCH. DEAL WITH IT) and I want to jab a long, skinny thingy in there to scratch it. I know it won’t help, anymore than sticking a toothbrush down my throat to scratch the itch there. It might make me gag.  And gagging always leads to puke.  If anything, I should try it to jump-start the now nearly thirty pound weight loss I need.  And don’t tell me I look fine. I am down to two pairs of yoga pants and a pair of jeans four sizes bigger than the ones I wore last spring.

Speaking of spring, I need it. I love winter ,truly I do. I love sledding and skiing.  I love to watch the snow falling silently from the sky, love snuggling by the fire with my sweeties.  But this is enough.  What I need now is fresh air, sunshine and TIME OUTSIDE (and a can of lysol, apparently).  Or is that a TIME OUT OUTSIDE.  Whatevs. I NEED IT.

Screw you, groundhog.

Speaking of groundhog, Bug Boy woke up for his annual PLEASE OH PLEASE LET THE GROUNDHOG SEE HIS SHADOW OR ELSE I WILL BE EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT AND WILL NOT FUNCTION ALL DAY Day.  Ever since that fateful day three years ago, I walk on egg shells this time of year.  As much as I am sick of winter this year, I was happy that Bug Boy could go to school and focus and be happy and not worry about the damn groundhog.  Because he saw his shadow and that means six more weeks of winter. Which means happy Bug Boy. Or so I thought.

I picked him up from school and he was a mess.  It takes him a while to be forthcoming, you see (that pesky PDD!).  After a few hours of him bouncing off the walls and driving me absolutely insane, he finally confided that he was upset because the teacher talked about the ground hog and the tradition at circle time and that she said they should just let the poor ground hog sleep.  You know, like use a fake one or something.  This was not acceptable to a child who WRITES PHIL ON HIS PAPERS ON FEBRUARY SECOND.

His name isn’t Phil.

And now his nose is stuffy.

And last night the husband started sneezing like crazy.

Which is how all of this cold nonsense started in the first place.

6 thoughts on “This Might Gross You Out

  1. hgspot says:

    Um, I love you and all, but I may skip your germ ridden house Friday 😉

  2. RuthWells says:

    Oh honey, I’m sorry. I’m just now feeling human after 4 days of throbbing sinus cavities and itchy ear canals and general malaise.

    Get some rest!

  3. My kid came home from school convinced that the groundhog is absolutely right and it doesn’t matter what the calendar says, winter will last another six weeks. Personally? I would shoot that stupid groundhog if I could. It’s just confusing the heck out of my kid.

    And making me crazy enough to blame a groundhog when I am cold.

  4. choosy says:

    My husband and I had a disagreement about the groundhog.
    him: “it’s just a stupid groundhog. stupid effing thing never gets it right any way.”
    Me:”really? we all base our expectations on a groundhog and IT’S the stupid one?”

    In case you can’t tell I am with the teacher on this one. But I can understand how that would cause you and yours some strife.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  5. Amanda says:

    I have a son with Asperger’s, and your groundhog story and relay of your son’s personal hygiene had me smiling and nodding in agreement. Thank you for making me not the only mom who goes through that. I hope you all feel better soon.

  6. Merlot says:

    Did you know that Phil lives in Punxatawney, PA (I went once in college because my boyfriends fraternity formal was held there, fun times). Anyway I learned Phil lives in the library there. He’s the happiest well fed ground hog around.

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