January 30, 2010 by Marj Hatzell
I never understood the expression, “Up in the middle of the night.” See, evening is from six until midnight. That’s a six-hour span. The middle of the night would be nine o’clock. Most of us aren’t even in bed yet. Therefore, if you are “up in the middle of the night” you are technically up in the wee hours of the morning. Like, early morning. When people say early morning and they mean seven or eight they are wrong. Morning is from 12:01 to 11:59. Early Morning means TWO OR THREE.
I wake up in the early morning fairly often (every night) so I have plenty of time to sort out these VERY IMPORTANT DETAILS in my head. This is in between Thomas getting cheeky and thinking he can start and stop all by himself, the bugger. And Gordon being Pompous and the freight cars refusing to work and Toby being lonely. And if you don’t know what I am talking about you have obviously never experienced the wonder that is THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE first hand. I feel badly for you.
Of course, sometimes I watch infomercials because he doesn’t care what is on the television and plays with a sound puzzle instead. Old Mac Donald, over and over, it’s enough to make a grown man cry.
Infomercials can be amusing. Did you know that:
- You CAN teach your baby to read! Don’t bother reading books to them, just buy these VERY EXPENSIVE FLASH CARDS so they can be like that freaky kid on Parenthood! (the term for this is HOTHOUSING)
- Brainetics! Learn athletics for your brain! Don’t solve math problems the old-fashioned way, learn these little tricks and shortcuts instead!
- The only way to get your floors clean is if you buy this Shark/Oreck/Steam Mop/Swivel Sweeper.
- Ped Eggs make your feet smooth as a baby’s bottom. Why you’d want that is beyond me. If the Ped egg isn’t your thing, try Heel Perfect!
- Want beach ready Abs? Then get the Ab Sculptor! Or the Ab Flyer! Or the Ab Wedge! Or the Ab Circle! Or the Ab Rocket (which looks like a medieval torture device).
- Abs aren’t your problem? You can be Slim in Six, Do a sixty day workout, Try the Ten Week Makeover or if you are in a really big hurry, MELT IT OFF IN FOUR DAYS!!!!
- Feeling sluggish? Not at your healthiest? Get a Juicer! No, get a Fruit EMULSIFIER! No, get DUAL CLEANSE so you can poo! Oh heck, just call Suzanne Summers. She’s got a whole catalog.
Now, pardon me while I put on my Snuggie and change the channel.