December 18, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
Perhaps it’s the joy (and stress) of the impending Christmas Holiday. Or the fact that I’m a terribly nostalgic person. And maybe? It’s SAD, because we’re hitting the shortest days of sunlight of the year. Either way, I’m very emotional these days. I am choked up, faking smiles, lethargic and generally sad.
I ain’t got no reason to be that way, either (yup. Triple negative. Ain’t ain’t a word, but I call it creative license).
Sure, I’ve got stress. Everyone does. I’ve got a husband who has a very demanding job (and it’s more so at the moment). I’ve got two kids with VERY DIFFERENT special needs. My mother has major health issues (life-threatening! YEAH!) and my in-laws live much too far away to be of any help. My sibs all have their own issues to deal with (divorce, separation, remarriage, financial, you name it). Some of my favorite neighbors moved because their landlord was a jack ass. My dog is old and sick. My Totally Terrific Teenager Helper is having a very, very difficult time and my heart aches for her.
But I’ve got plenty to smile about.
I’ve always been a glass-half-full kind of person. I see the lining in every cloud. I encourage others to stay positive, I point out all the bright and shiny moments. So why do I have a lump in the back of my throat?
Damn it. It always comes back to the same thing. This morning I’m joking with a friend about how lucky I am that Bugaboo is non-verbal because Bug Boy makes enough noise for five autistic kids. I constantly say how awesome it is to have such an active, care-free child. And it is true, mostly. The thing is, every time I spend time with other people’s kids I get sad. Every time I see kids my Bugaboo’s age and see what they are doing, compared to where I wish he was? I get sad. It’s sooooo hard to take.
I can’t use just any babysitters, most people aren’t equipped to deal with him. I can’t bring him to gatherings, he freaks out. I can’t let go of his hand walking from the car to the store. I can’t take my eyes off of him for ten seconds when we are in our home. It’s just so hard.
All I want for Christmas ain’t my two front teeth. Or his (which are starting to fall out). I’m a selfish biatch, and all I want for Christmas is to be able to have a conversation with my little boy. I just want to hear him speak. I just want to know what his voice sounds like.
So today? As happy as I am and as good as I feel and as much as I love Christmas and love my life and feel blessed to have the things I have?
Today I’m going to be sad. That’s ok once in a while, right?