December 7, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
Once upon a time, there was a Princess Queen and her Prince and they lived happily ever after in an ugly house a castle with their two young princes. Their castle was known to get absolutely freaking disgusting dirty, what with two young princes running around and all. And two large, black dogs. And various kids and dogs that the Princess Queen babysits rules. Therefore, the Princess Queen spends much of her time vacuuming. I mean, her royal subjects spend much of their time vacuuming. Errrr…sweeping the floor with straw brooms. And mopping. Yeah, that’s it. Certainly not the Queen. She’s too busy…you know. Queening and stuff.
Anyways, the Queen and Prince had their castle swept so often, the vacuums brooms had a tendency to break down. They began buying a new vacuum broom just about every year. And in four years they bought two carpet steamers mops in addition to the vacuums brooms.
Now, their favorite of the bunch happened to be the Oreck for a very, very long time. They loved their Oreck and thought it was the best in the land. It weighed eight pounds, was easy to use and THEY COULD LITERALLY FILM A COMMERCIAL, they loved it that much. But it broke down eventually and it was sort of fixed, but the Prince read a review in Consumer Reports that this Sears Progressive one was a MUCH better vacuum broom. So they saved up their money and bought one. With their credit card. And there was much rejoicing.
The Progressive worked for about six months. And eventually they realized it was a total piece of crap and Consumer Reports is a load of bunk sometimes. They took their Oreck in for repair (because it was much, much too painful to part with) and got it back, nearly good as new. And when the Prince began finding them on other people’s curbs, discarded like lowly garbage, he would bring them home and refurbish them. They eventually ended up with three Orecks, a Progressive, a Shop Vac, a canister vac and a Bissel Steamer. Amen.
That’s seven (7) vacuums, for those of you not good at math.
So yesterday, the Prince took Prince Bugaboo out for a few hours while she vacuumed and steamed the first floor had the servants clean the bottom level of the castle in preparation for Prince Bug Boy’s party next weekend. She spent three hours…delegating. And when the Prince returned, he was awfully excited. Now, the Prince only gets excited about a few things. Mostly lawnmowers and power tools (which he also saves from a landfill fate and refurbishes). The Prince opened his laptop and stuck it under her nose, showing her the best deal in all the land. The Kingdom of Sears was having a sale.
Now, the Prince certainly gets more excited than the Queen does about the prospect of sweeping. Perhaps it is because she does it at least twice a day? The Queen was all, “Oh. A very expensive vacuum. Hmmm…perhaps my servants could use it to get the dog hair up better. Or the cracker crumbs. Or the potted plant dirt. Or…” And the Prince was all, “OMG VACUUM VACUUM VACUUM! It sucks! HARD! IT REALLY DOES SUCK!” Therefore they travelled to the Kingdom of Sears and came home with the Holy Grail of Floor Cleaning.
The Prince was so excited he began vacuuming it nearly the second they returned home from their long journey. And continued to vacuum for a few hours, until he made sure every square inch of castle floor was spotless. He didn’t even watch football. He VACUUMED instead. And the Queen was all, “Oooohhhhhh Kay…” But then, they looked inside the BAGLESS! CANISTER! And saw what the Dyson picked up (that the Oreck missed).
Four canisters of crud. FOUR. From two floors. As in, the Oreck was run first and then the Dyson and it picked up four MORE canisters of stuff.
And the Queen was speechless for the first time in her life.