September 22, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
As usual, there is more going on in my life than I care to admit or care to have happen. Most days I’m just stuck in fast-forward, attempting to juggle my life as a SAHM, my job as a kid wrangler/babysitter and my advocacy as a mother of children with special needs. It seems like I score big points in one area (I cooked six nights in a row! New World’s Record!) and something else is TEN KINDS OF FAIL (like the laundry. Dishes. Vacuum. Whatevs).
Some days I go to bed wishing for a big-fat do-over. But I’ve seen Groundhog’s Day, y’all, and it ain’t pretty by any means. It would be REAL UGLY to have to live some of my days over. Like, the days where I’m running all over the neighborhood, desperately trying to track down my almost-seven-year-old. Or the days where Bug Boy is screaming because his arm hair is blowing in the wind, the kids in the school yard keep bumping into him and the lights are too loud and he cannot concentrate. Or the days when Bugaboo is butt-nekkid, pressing his nekkid body up against our 96-inch picture window. On veggies day, the day that a bunch of people come and pick up CSA veggies from my house. Or the days that my husband is whining because I’m not giving him or the kids (mostly him) enough attention and we get into a huge fight heated discussion about my duties and responsibilities and how I spread myself much too thin. Or the days that we wake up late, I don’t get to shower, I have extra kids, I don’t eat well, don’t get to exercise, the phone is ringing off the hook and I have stacks and stacks of paper work and piles and piles of housework.
All of that stuff happened. Yesterday. Yes, all of it.
It’s no wonder I was reduced to a blubbering, ridiculous, gelatinous mess by the time I went to bed last night. I was in a semi-coma. I couldn’t read or watch television, I just stared. Awake. Forever. And I’m plum exhausted from CERTAIN LITTLE PEOPLE AND DOGS who get up in the middle of the night, y’all. I need to cut things out of my life. But what do I cut out? The things I like to do the most? The kids I watch (which I enjoy perhaps a little too much)? The Home and School Stuff (time around adults!)? The CSA participation (free food!)? The dogs (the one thing that brings me distraction and pleasure)? Exercise, eating and sleeping (The only things on this list I NEED)?
I guess what I’m looking at is the need to organize. I do this every fall. I go apeshit over getting used to adding in a few more jobs (clean clothes, daily baths and packing lunches for the boys) and my husband is going apeshit over the fact that I haven’t made any money all summer, out of choice (because I don’t mind doing it a teensy bit, but the truth is I just wanna be with my kids. Alone.). I’ll get there. Eventually.
Perhaps by next June.
Actually, I’m just freaked out by the fact that it is nearly October. And I’ll be a year old, so will my husband, so will my marriage. October brings two IEP’s for two boys who may or may not be making the progress they need to be making (and it’s a stinging slap in the face when I look at the speech goals and I’m all, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!). October marks the anniversary of the day Bugaboo started full-time school and the year I stopped spending my whole day with my beloved child. It also means a few weeks until Christmas (Yes, it does. Get goin’ already.) and the husband will have issues with past family events and such and it is a tough time for him to get through. It also means Bug Boy’s “honeymoon period” with his new teacher and classmates wears off and he is back to his USUAL CHARMING SELF. Yes, I’m being sarcastic.
Which is why I need to keep myself busy. So I can be distracted from all the goings-on. So I don’t have time to think about how crazy everything in my life is, or that I like other kids and dogs more than my own. Or that we still don’t have a deck. Or that my house is in serious disrepair, because we don’t see the point of fixing stuff that’s gonna get broken in five minutes (a new record! Five minutes with the new fridge drawer and CRACK!).
Which is precisely why I’m getting my hair cut. In ten minutes.
See you on the other side.