Just So Y’all are Aware


September 17, 2009 by Marj Hatzell

I went shopping with my mother yesterday. Normally I cringe at the thought, but something has softened me lately. I don’t know if it is because I’m finally getting sleep or that Ian is finally in full-time school or the fact that my grandmother passed away recently, but I actually LOOK FORWARD to and CHERISH the time I’m spending with my mother.  She’s still as fruity as a box of fruit loops but it was still fun. And I got a sweeeeeet new purse out of the deal. TOP THAT, RED HEADS!  I’M HER FAVORITE!  HUZZAHHHHHH!!!!

While shopping, we had to stop at the Kmarts (that’s what they call it, my parents. They also say I-talian like EYE TAIL YUN.  Go figure) because mom needs certain underwear and Dad has to have his Hanes pocket tees in 2XL (Mom was sick of gray because it’s all he wears and it is soooo boring, she says. So she got him olive green and khaki, the only other equally boring colors on the color wheel).  We’re parking at Kmarts and she’s all, “What kidney failure?  Diabetes?  Why would I got to an endocrinologist for that?  My Primary is JUST FINE!” and I happen to glance over and spot a woman wearing a reverse mullet. As in, the Kate-plus-eight-minus-asshole John hairdo.  As in, spikey porcupine wear the mullet should be and long and straight where the short and spikey should be. And I’m all, “OMG!” Seriously? Does ANYONE THING THAT’S AN ATTRACTIVE HAIRDO?  It isn’t.I just want you to know.


Whew. Glad to get that off my chest.  Because when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, thinking about reality television peeps and their shitty hairdos is top priority, right ahead of the latest argument I had with my husband, the five piles of laundry on my floor, my ridiculously stained twenty-five-year-old carpets and the fact that my six-year-old runs away on a daily basis.

Also?  Kanye West is an egomaniac (and HELLO!!! HE WALKED IN THERE WITH A BOTTLE OF HIS OWN LIQUOR, YO!  IS ANYONE REALLY SURPRISED HE DID THAT?).  Madonna is one, too, because she cannot even say something nice about Michael without mentioning herself five thousand times.  Jay Leno AIN’T FUNNY.  I do NOT watch SATC or Desperate Housewives. I’ve never seen Seinfeld.  I’m not entirely sure how to spell it. I think Gossip Girls and Twilight sucks and are dumb and don’t argue with me, I’m right and you are wrong.

And people who plan shit behind my back and don’t consult me and then tell me at the last minute? You suck big balls. Big, sweaty ones.

And, while we are on the subject, My puppy does not play with balls and she doesn’t play fetch. She likes walking around the yard with HUMONGOID sticks and logs in her mouth. All fifteen pounds of her.  She digs a little and is starting to act more and more like a beagle every day. You know, Beagles?  The bane of my doggy existence? The dog I would never, ever, EVER get in a million years?  Yes. Sweet Bristol is most likely 1/2 beagle. We heard her howl for the first time this week.  She doesn’t bark, though.

Speaking of dogs?  Shadow.  Downhill. Fast. And she ain’t skiing.  She has an appointment tomorrow so I’m trying to hope for the best, but all I can do is curl up next to her and scratch her distended belly and rub her ears and tell her she’s my prettiest Shad Roe ever and cry.  Sigh.  Having dogs SUCKS sometimes.   Well, just the part where they die before you want them to. The rest is all gravy. Like, the kind of gravy you buy at $3 a jar to pour on her new kidney food so that she actually eats it?  Yeah, that.

8 thoughts on “Just So Y’all are Aware

  1. Jenni says:

    Dammit. I hate sick pet stories. I know my sis is living one with her Raven and I just found out my friend had to put her cat down a week before nearly dying herself from a hysterectomy. Way to slip that in there at the end – as if I weren’t already crying enough. Thanks for giving me something more legitimate to cry about than my hubby breaking promises I made to little boys. I’m so sorry for you and Shadow. No fun. No fun at all.

  2. HG says:

    Oh sweetie – you know I feel for your Shadow situation. Here’s to hoping.

    And I read the HP the beagle bit; the hunter in him couldn’t help laughing and pointing out that the howl is a good thing – it means they see a rabbit (or other small game I assume) when they are hunting 😉

  3. RuthWells says:

    Oh, poor Shadow. Hoping for the best.

  4. DeNise says:

    I’m sorry about Shadow. We had the same situation with our cat Nigel just a few months ago. He was on prescription food (2.00 per can, 3x/day), medication (70.00 per 3 weeks) and still he did not get better. He had a brain tumor, liver disease and inflamatory bowel disease. I can relate to what you are going through. It is so tough to watch…..:( I’m sorry…..

  5. Lauren says:

    Sorry to hear about Shadow; didn’t realize it was that dire.

    On another note, I also hate the reverse mullet, although I’m not original enough to have thought of that delightful name.

  6. Jacki says:

    Awww…I too hate hearing about sick pet stories. Poor Shadow.

    Ditto on the TV shows. I can proudly say that I am not following any shows. If the TV is on it is for American Idol, Food Network, or a documentary.

  7. Hugs to Shadow.

    Did you have any success talking to her about the importance of seeing an endocrinologist versus an internal medicine specialist?

  8. No! And worse yet? She thinks she just needs to lose weight and wants to eat low fat and asked me how to make fruit smoothies. And I’m all, “MOM! FRUIT HAS CARBS AND SUGAR. LOW FAT STUFF HAS MORE CARBS AND SUGAR. GO SEE A DIABETIC SPECIALIST.”


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