Won’t You Be My Neighbor?


August 12, 2009 by Marj Hatzell

Our neighborhood has been in transition the past few years.  The older couples and families without school-aged children are selling and moving out, thanks in part to ridiculously high school taxes.  This little Mayberry-esque town of four-blocks-by-four-blocks is in a great school district and with the other towns and townships in our district come higher taxes and smaller yards. MUCH SMALLER.  Therefore, living here is a very affordable option for those wanting to get into the schools.  I know it worked for us.  Twice the yard, twice the house, half the taxes.  SAME SCHOOLS!  WIN!

The best part about living here is the fact that it is CRAWLING with kids. I mean, tons. Dozens.  Millions, even. Alrighty, that was a teensy exaggeration.  But seriously? Kids.  The kids are out riding bikes, playing kickball and capture, drawing on sidewalks with chalk and squealing with laughter at the appropriate times of day.  Some of us take the kids for walks and rides at dusk (you should see it, at least ten kids riding bikes with three or four parents bringing up the rear with strollers and multiple dogs.  It’s like a parade every night here). Regardless of the noise ordinance being ten p.m. on weekdays and eleven on weekends, folks have their babes tucked in by around nine.  Adults sit out on porches with glasses of wine, chatting and waving to one another.  It really is glorious to live here, for the most part. We get the occasional moron driving through town going deaf whilst listening to loud bass and the rare teen vandal, but mostly it is our slice of heaven.  We love living here.


Every once in a while we encounter a problem.  Like this week, for example.  We have crotchety neighbors (who only live here 2-3 months a year TOPS) who aren’t into kids.  They’ve lived here forever and a day and have retired to Florida, but only some of the time.  And we found out this week that they’ve basically been calling the cops every freaking day to complain about the kids.  The kids are making them nuts (and no, IRL friends, I won’t tell you who it is or name names.  Two doors down, white house).

The kids draw on the sidewalk with sidewalk chalk.  And sometimes it gets on THEIR sidewalk.  The kids have been riding their bikes up and down the street and sometimes turn around in THEIR driveway.  Sometimes the kids kick balls or toys into THEIR yard and then have audacity to go get them.  Sometimes, our dogs run into THEIR yard for 2.3 seconds.  Once in a while, Bugaboo hops the fence and goes to sit on THEIR porch.  And the kicker? We set off (very legal, sold in the state of PA) fireworks ON FOURTH OF JULY.  And we also have BONFIRES AND ROAST S’MORES.


They (I really should say SHE, because HE is really very nice and friendly but SHE is a beeyotch) have been keeping score and checking the ordinances and have been complaining about everything we’ve done.  And they found out that we’ve sorta/kinda violated one and now they are pouncing on it.  It seems that we cannot have open fires in the yard. This is not something we knew (we know about the noise ordinance and no trash-picking and no soliciting and keeping hedges trimmed and how to stack firewood properly) and in no way meant to deliberately go against.  So basically we found out our neighbor is a big, fat tattle-tale.  They don’t like us, don’t care for children and therefore called the cops to complain.

But here’s the best part…wait for it…wait for it

The cop they complained to is none other than my BRAND NEW NEIGHBOR.  The police sarge.  In other words, this summer he moved down the street, a mere block, into the huge house across the street.  WITH HIS FOUR YOUNG CHILDREN.  And he didn’t have the heart to tell them who he was.  He didn’t want to spoil all of their fun complaining about, you know, THOSE KIDS and the noise they make because HE HAS SOME OF THOSE KIDS.  But the best part?  He found out they are moving.


As in, they want to sell the house because they neighborhood is changed and they don’t like the neighborhood because THEY REALLY DO NOT LIKE KIDS.

Or dogs.  Wait until they find out I’M GETTING ANOTHER ONE!

So, is anyone looking for a 3/4 bedroom, 1.5 bath with a large yard in a great neighborhood full of kids?  It really is great living here.  We have parades!  And parties!  And bonfires!  And bike rides!  And bonfires!  And S’mores (shhhh, don’t tell)!

And the best part is that the landscaping is no maintenance because they cut down all of their trees last year so that they won’t fall on the house and took out all of the flowers and put plastic ones in!

Won’t you be my neighbor?  PLEASE????

8 thoughts on “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

  1. gigi says:

    oh how i wish we could move tomorrow to your ‘hood. i miss PA 🙂

  2. Muffy says:

    Oooh. ME! Pick Me! I’d be your neighbor!

    Best Crappy Neighbor story I have? We had just moved into a new home and the cable and phone lines weren’t buried and were just laying on the grass waiting for the city to come bury them.

    Beeyotch Neighbor called the city to complain that we hadn’t mown our lawn. Oh, and she’s the mayor’s wife. But we hadn’t mown our lawn because the city hadn’t buried our cable.

    So, the city came and MOWED OUR LAWN, cutting the cable and phone lines up into one kajillion pieces.

    Which I didn’t discover until my contractions were two minutes apart and I tried to call my husband to tell him I WAS IN LABOR.

    We moved since then and the new owners of our home built a quonset hut on the lot between us and Mayor’s Wife. Serves her right.

  3. GeekChick says:

    Find out how much….don’t think I can move at this point – but I would LOVE to be your neighbor 🙂

  4. Merlot says:

    If this was three years ago we would have jumped on it. Your neighborhood is awesome! As much as I love mine, I do love the way you have so many people your age in yours.

  5. annoyed in Cal City says:

    Samuel Charles Goldfield and Eva Marie Goldfield 9332 Margery Ave California City, CA 93505 phone 760-373-4025 cell 313-515-4883. They have TWO vicious, unlicensed, non-vaccinated (rabies, distemper, or any other) dogs who bark constantly, get out often and will attack someone eventually (soon!) It’s only a matter of time!

  6. […] Goddess Y’all lost your chance to move into my neighborhood.  All of the empty houses are sold and as of tomorrow, the newest neighbor moves […]

  7. […] Naturally, I said, “AWESOME!” because they are and you should be jealous. It’s a great neighborhood and my neighbors ROCK. You missed out on your chance to live here. So […]

  8. Anonymous says:

    Don’t feel bad…I live in the part of the district with the much SMALLER yards.
    I have sons who like to use the great real basketball setup that was in our yard when we moved here.
    We have a CROCHETY neighbor who yells racial slurs and nasty comments to my kids when they are playing and their ball accidentally lands in his yard.
    I had to call the cops on HIM! to get him to leave the kids alone…
    he doesn’t like my award winning, honor student, athlete children…he was happier when a drug dealer lived in my house…
    I guess he felt more in his element then!

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