July 15, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
When you live in a small town, chances are one or two of the people that live there are related. Apparently, when you live in Mayberry, like I do, chances are that most people in the town are related in some way, shape or form. The world keeps getting smaller and smaller, my peeps. The more people I meet and talk to around here, the more people I find that I am related to, know, know their cousin, their sister, their aunt, etc, etc, infinity plus one hundred. Pretty soon I’ll find out my best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night.
Then get this. We moved into this town four years ago. I live about five miles from where I grew up, and Catlicks tend to procreate a ton, so chances are I’m gonna run into someone I know, right? Well, it turns out that my mother’s sister’s husband’s aunt lives on the next block, with her daughter. Got that? Also? Three houses down is a woman who went to grade school with my sister and her brother went to school with my brother, who lives three blocks away. To make it even better, Bugaboo’s school nurse (he goes to school nearly forty-five minutes away) lives two blocks over. The people behind me have a daughter that lives down the street. The people across from me on the opposite corner (I live on the corner) previously lived in the town I grew up in, on the same street even, and I moved in next to them (and she cuts my grandmom’s hair). Also? The people who’s children I watch once in a while (Polite Boy, Middle Child and Little Miss)? The Dad went to high school with my husband. We were married on the same day (of the same year) have the same dishes, have kids the same ages,who attend the same school and even had the same car for a while.
But it gets better.
Last Saturday I threw a barbecue for my sister (it was an excuse to drink, eat and be merry). My Dad’s youngest sister (My aunt) came with her daughter (one of my many, many cousins), who is nineteen and in college. I haven’t seen much of them lately, so I was happy they came. I invited the neighbors over to chat, drink, eat, etc. So Polite Boy, Little Miss and Middle Child’s mom came over. She walked in the gate, took one look at my aunt and cousin and it was all, “OMG! HUG! SMOOCH! HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU? OMG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” And my sibs and I were all, “Huh? You know each other?” Turns out that my aunt has a best friend she’s known all her life, that I call my “Aunt.” My aunt and “aunt” are more than best friends, if you catch my drift. If you don’t, let me put it to you this way: There are no men involved. Got it? Anyways, my “aunt” has been around with my aunt since I was a wee thing (confused yet?). And my neighbor is my “aunt’s” first cousin. But it gets better. As the night went on, I found out my neighbor’s mom’s maiden name. The same maiden name as my great-grandmother. Guess what?
But wait! There’s MORE!
My other neighbors (parents of the Teenage Babysitter and the Actress) moved in about three years ago. In the past year I’ve come to find out that friends of theirs were my neighbors growing up. They also lived in the same town on the same street as two of my maternal first cousins. Also? Belonged to the same pool. Also? The Dad’s sister is a friend of a friend of mine (just found that out today) and his brother is friends with my neighbor’s husband (Polite Boy’s Dad). None of us knew each other before we knew in. And now we know each other five times over.At some point, I’m guessing I should mention that my husband’s father’s sister (his aunt) is married to a guy whose brother lives one block over. And it keeps getting better. And better. And funnier.
Either that or there’s a ton of inbreeding going on. One of the two. In case, pay no attention to the above, because it isn’t coincidence. However, at some point there will be natural selection.