May 18, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
Say for the sake of argument you’ve gained, I dunno, Twenty-two pounds? So you listen to your friend’s advice and try a cleanse, in case you are bloated and have stoopid stuff stuck in your colon (like red meat, ’cause you stopped being a vegetarian). You go to the store and get, I dunno, a SEVEN DAY RAPID CLEANSE? So, like, be careful because when they say RAPID they mean FREAKING FAST and when they say cleanse they mean YOU WILL EITHER BE SITTING ON A TOILET or SITTING IN A BATH TUB trying to get clean. And then you might stop taking it after four days, due to severe bloating and won’t be able to go to the bathroom for three days after (not. even. kidding.). And when you step on the scale to see if you at least shed some of your colon, you find out your weight…didn’t budge. Twenty-two dollars well spent, doncha think?
There’s this show I like to call I’M AN ATTENTION WHORE. I’ve never, ever watched it or paid attention to it until this season, for some strange reason. I think it might have something to do with the final two contestants. There’s my fav, Boy-next-door-conservative-Christian-married-guy-with-cute-dimples and then there’s glamberace-guyliner-wearing-former/current-drag-queen-blurring-the-lines-of-gender-with-his-badarse-black-nailpolish-and-falsetto. I don’t know who I want to win more. Cutie-pie with the dimples (because he’s my style, not because he’s conservative, because HOOBOY y’all know I’m not exactly conservative) or Guyliner Guy (because it will be really hysterical to see America’s reaction to this guy. Gal. Person. Can’t wait. I might even watch it live. Or the next day on Yootoob, as I’ve been known to do. Once. I swear it was only once. Once thing’s for certain. The blind guy was cool, the Janice Joplin wanna be? Not so much. I wanted her to clear her throat. She sounded like she had a goiter. And then there’s this. Just Sayin’.
Six Day weekends are the devil. One word: Bugaboo. That is all.
Another one of the neighborhood kids learned to ride a bike last night. That makes SEVEN kids between five and ten (HA! FIVE AND TEN!) riding their bikes at the same time, up and down the sidewalks, all summer long. Which means I need to go buy more plastic bandage strips and antibiotic spray. Their knees will never be the same.
They are paving roads around here. Naturally, they are paving the stretch of road between two other roads that is probably the smoothest and flattest in town. Not the other six streets that are pothole ridden. Or the ones where the blacktop is crumbling. Or the intersections where the road dips and my minivan bottoms out. Nope. They are paving the nicest street in town. Makes perfect sense. It goes right by borough hall. Just sayin’.
I still don’t have a deck. Just a mudpit. And the mudpit is slowly making its way inside my house. This makes me insane. Because I’m a Domestic Engineer and I can’t figure out how to keep dirt out of my house.
It stinks not being able to give my kid sinus medication or allergy meds or decongestants because saline and natural stuff only goes so far. When you have a kid who eats grass (which he is allergic to) and stims on dirt (which goes directly up his nose) and doesn’t know how to blow his nose, it becomes a teensy bit of an issue.
Two weeks ago I was pulling out shorts and slathering my kids with sunscreen because it was, like, ninety degrees. This morning they are in sweat shirts and lined pants. It went down to the forties and I turned my heat back on. WTF, Mother Nature? It was July in April and now it’s April in May. If June ends up being May I’ll be REALLY TICKED OFF.
It would be really, really, REALLY nice if my kid would start sleeping in his room, instead of refusing to go to sleep and ending up in my bed, with his feet stuck between my knees and his hands on my head or in my hair. Because it would be really, really, REALLY nice if my husband and I could, you know, sleep in the same room? OR IN THE SAME BED? Because last night? We actually had some quality snuggle time and I wouldn’t exactly mind it so much if that happened SLIGHTLY MORE OFTEN THAN ONCE EVERY TWO MONTHS.
Not that you needed to know that. Just sayin’.