April 8, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
Two Weeks, yo. Two. As in, DOS. Deux. One plus one. Bugaboo has two weeks off. You know, autistic support? The kids who need the MOST consistency and the least amount of time off? Yeah, they get the MOST time off. After their standard two-day weekend they go bonkers for a few days. Then they settle into a new routine. Then break is over and they go bonkers again. And their parents? Yeah, they go bonkers, too. I’m not talking about your typical spring break bonkers, either. I’m talking about the calling-your-husband-one-a-business-trip-bonkers. I’m talking about awake-all-night-and-day bonkers. I’m talking OH-MY-HOLY-HECK-THIS-IS-WORSE-THAN-POST-PARTUM-OR-IN-LAWS-AT-CHRISTMAS bonkers. Yes, it is that bad.
If you find yourself in the above state, then have I got somethin’ for you! I’ve put together the very first “DG Survives the Holidays and You Can TOO!” guide. This handy little tips are a sure-fire way to get to the end of Spring Break unscathed!
Behold: DG Survives the Holidays and You Can TOO!
- Buy tons of crappy, prepacked food that nukes in five minutes. Better yet? Make leftovers for a week ahead of time and freeze ’em for nuking. Best yet? ORDER OUT.
- Forget #1, they are getting Quesadillas and cereal. It’s healthy. Trust me. They aren’t dead yet, right?
- Invite millions of children to your humble abode to distract your kids. No, not all at the same time! Only invite enough to keep ROUND NUMBERS. Kids pair off. Three NEVER, EVER works.
- Eat potatoes. Lots of ’em. With gravy, cheese or other salty condiments. Because it’s all about survival of the fittest and that kind of fittest doesn’t mean your pants, so go ahead! INDULGE!
- Buy a half-ton of desserts from your local food co-op. Go the next day and buy more. Go back every day. Make sure you eat them at ten o’clock in the evening or later so you have trouble falling asleep. And don’t worry about the mind-numbingly-delicious-but-fattening desserts ruining your waistline. It’s a holiday vacation and there are no calories on vacation! Just ask Kirstie Alley! She’s been on vacation for years! Besides, your friend makes these yummy desserts and they are OMFG amazing. Go buy ’em.
- Television. On Demand. Thank You, electronic gods.
- Online Scrabble. PHAT.
- Send your husband on a business trip. This way you have an excuse not to shower and let the house go to heck in a hand basket. He’ll feel sorry for you, and when he returns he’ll send you up to take a luxurious hot bath and then get takeout for dinner. And bring you potatoes (see number 4).
- Kick the kids outside and breathe in the cool, cleansing spring air. Unless it’s pouring rain, in which case you should sit on the couch and cry. It’s gonna suck with them stuck inside.
- When they finally return to school, stay in bed for at least two days. Folks assume it is because you need to catch up on sleep. Keep ’em guessing! Rent movies, take baths until you are pruney and get a haircut. It’s the perfect excuse to pamper yourself. Then have a meltdown so the husband keeps being super-happy-fun-time nice to you and doesn’t expect you to do anything for at least a week.
Dood. If you can’t follow directions, don’t come crying to me. Just sayin’.