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Things To Do When You are an Invalid

5

February 27, 2009 by Marj Hatzell

The good news is that I did not have much going on this week, and so therefore had plenty of time to recuperate from the plague.

The bad news is that I am not fully recuperated from the plague.

Even though I’ve been on an antibiotic for four days, my ears are still ready to explode. This morning, I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and insisted on taking the dog for a short walk.  This is despite the fact that she’s still gimpy from her paw sprain and on “restricted activity” for two weeks (which means no walks or outside play time.  Pardon me while I collapse on the floor in a hearty guffaw) and I’m still sicker than sick.  Like, it’s totally a bad idea to walk a dog with this much sinus pressure, mostly because I still have some double vision and when I have to bend over to clean up her poo I suddenly see stars and begin blacking out.  And if the cute cop isn’t working today I might end up at the freaking hospital today, because mean-female-cop (who I went to High School with) is a strictly-by-the-rules kind of gal.

Sorry if you are having problems following my train of thought.  Look at that pretty rainbow…

I’ve done a great job taking care of myself this week.  Mt. Washmore and the yogurt on my ceiling should give you some indication of just how much I care about housework. And my former gourmet cooking skills (Stop laughing, I know I’m the casserole queen) have been replaced by, “The kids are getting nuggets.  Here’s what I had in the freezer.”  Luckily, the husband doesn’t care what he eats, so long as he eats. I’m sure at some point I might care that there are unidentified vegetables rotting in my fridge and that the stove has mystery goo on it (and I don’t know why, ’cause I sure as heck ain’t been cookin’. Must be the house elves.).

When I’m terribly bored and cannot sleep (due to coughing up one or both lungs or little green blobs that look like aliens.  Sorry if that’s TMI) I watch tv.  Bad tv.  Like, I watched the “Family” channel and was shocked and amazed at how freaking raunchy the shows are on there.  I would have changed it, but the clicker was all the way over on the night stand (right next to me) and the energy it would have taken to reach for it was better used blowing my nose instead.   Have you seen the latest infomercials?  Gosh, they just keep getting better and better. It’s more fun that watching a sitcom, I laughed my arse off at the nonsense.  No really, my arse is gone (dood, I totally wish. Remind me to tell you about my fifteen pound weight gain. Since November).  I mean, YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THIS STUFF!  HOW DID YOU EVER FUNCTION WITHOUT THESE?

I mean, just look at this stuff.

e0e1693f2d7f107a57ff9d324550a3d9c6439a74Dood. Shamwow.  This Thing is amazing.  It’s a chamois!  It’s a sponge!  It’s a towel!   And poor Vince the Shamwow guy! You’ve heard of his nonsense with the Church of Xenu, right?  I’ll do anything to support the cause.  Wonder if it cleans up poo?

cartform_wonderhanger_s2

The wonder hanger.   It will TRIPLE your closet space!  And I don’t know about you, but I could really use bigger closets. Think it irons and does windows, too?

strapperfect

Strap Perfect. Stop wrestling with bra straps!  You, too can have perky, twenty-year-old bewbs!  Give the girls a lift!  Dood, if a five dollah piece of plastic is all it took, I’m guessing we wouldn’t have Dr. 90210.  Which is ok, he could always go on to be a celebrity stylist. He wears himself a mean pinstriped suit.

mm_snuggie

Snuggie! The blanket with sleeves!  It’s a robe!  It’s a blanket!  One size fits all!  I mean, just LOOK at that sexy beast on the couch up there.  Imagine what it could do for your s.e.x. life, girls.  Comes in a variety of colors to match your home!

Please, don’t worry about me. It’s the cold medicine talking, honest.  I’m not really gonna buy this stuff. I could, however, use one of those clappers so I don’t have to get up to turn off the lights.

5 thoughts on “Things To Do When You are an Invalid

  1. Anti Jen says:

    I own the Snuggie. Got one from my hubby for Christmas. Partly in jest, partly cuz I used to cram my body into my oversized sweaters like a slug to stay warm. (This was before my body became more oversized than my sweaters.) I must say, I like it, but I don’t love it. The sleeves are too generous so they get in the way. And it doesn’t quite serve as a robe when worn backwards, unless your goal is to have all your business hanging out. It is, however, incredibly useful for generating static electricity while petting the cats. Visible sparks – way better than just chewing a mint.

    I also wish I owned the clapper. Instead I got a remote control for my light sockets that can control 3 things at once. Then I returned it, cuz I got it at Costco, and I seem to always return something when I go to Costco. (Next month I am taking back a bottle of Cazadores – no one needs a liter of tequila…) Then I regretted it and bought a similar but inferior product for twice the price at my local RadioShack. I love love love it – especially when it comes to quieting the empty cat water fountains at night. But come to think of it I haven’t seen the clicker in a while. Which is what makes the clapper superior.

    Your blog = the clapper
    My blog = the inferior overpriced clicker from RadioShack

    Can’t wait to catch up on all your posts. Maybe you will inspire me to keep up my own site a bit better…

  2. Please promise me you didn’t buy any of this stuff! Not even consider it!

  3. mommybrain says:

    It’s late. (Okay, not really but it’s kind of late.) My brain is not functioning properly. (I know, I know, when does it ever.) So I was reading your post without really looking at the pictures. (Your descriptions are what cracked me up!) But when I got to “wonder hanger” I glanced at the photo of it BELOW. And wondered how extra clevage lead to improved closet space…

  4. Why does Mr. Shamwow creep me out so? Why?

    And if you haven’t seen this, you should. I hope I don’t get thrown in the spam can for adding a link to my comment:

  5. I think Vince has some real talent as a carnival ring leader!

    Seriously, give the guy a hand for selling over 1 million towels. The coolest part is his headset!

    Rock on!

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