February 27, 2009 by Marj Hatzell
The good news is that I did not have much going on this week, and so therefore had plenty of time to recuperate from the plague.
The bad news is that I am not fully recuperated from the plague.
Even though I’ve been on an antibiotic for four days, my ears are still ready to explode. This morning, I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and insisted on taking the dog for a short walk. This is despite the fact that she’s still gimpy from her paw sprain and on “restricted activity” for two weeks (which means no walks or outside play time. Pardon me while I collapse on the floor in a hearty guffaw) and I’m still sicker than sick. Like, it’s totally a bad idea to walk a dog with this much sinus pressure, mostly because I still have some double vision and when I have to bend over to clean up her poo I suddenly see stars and begin blacking out. And if the cute cop isn’t working today I might end up at the freaking hospital today, because mean-female-cop (who I went to High School with) is a strictly-by-the-rules kind of gal.
Sorry if you are having problems following my train of thought. Look at that pretty rainbow…
I’ve done a great job taking care of myself this week. Mt. Washmore and the yogurt on my ceiling should give you some indication of just how much I care about housework. And my former gourmet cooking skills (Stop laughing, I know I’m the casserole queen) have been replaced by, “The kids are getting nuggets. Here’s what I had in the freezer.” Luckily, the husband doesn’t care what he eats, so long as he eats. I’m sure at some point I might care that there are unidentified vegetables rotting in my fridge and that the stove has mystery goo on it (and I don’t know why, ’cause I sure as heck ain’t been cookin’. Must be the house elves.).
When I’m terribly bored and cannot sleep (due to coughing up one or both lungs or little green blobs that look like aliens. Sorry if that’s TMI) I watch tv. Bad tv. Like, I watched the “Family” channel and was shocked and amazed at how freaking raunchy the shows are on there. I would have changed it, but the clicker was all the way over on the night stand (right next to me) and the energy it would have taken to reach for it was better used blowing my nose instead. Have you seen the latest infomercials? Gosh, they just keep getting better and better. It’s more fun that watching a sitcom, I laughed my arse off at the nonsense. No really, my arse is gone (dood, I totally wish. Remind me to tell you about my fifteen pound weight gain. Since November). I mean, YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT THIS STUFF! HOW DID YOU EVER FUNCTION WITHOUT THESE?
I mean, just look at this stuff.
Dood. Shamwow. This Thing is amazing. It’s a chamois! It’s a sponge! It’s a towel! And poor Vince the Shamwow guy! You’ve heard of his nonsense with the Church of Xenu, right? I’ll do anything to support the cause. Wonder if it cleans up poo?
The wonder hanger. It will TRIPLE your closet space! And I don’t know about you, but I could really use bigger closets. Think it irons and does windows, too?
Strap Perfect. Stop wrestling with bra straps! You, too can have perky, twenty-year-old bewbs! Give the girls a lift! Dood, if a five dollah piece of plastic is all it took, I’m guessing we wouldn’t have Dr. 90210. Which is ok, he could always go on to be a celebrity stylist. He wears himself a mean pinstriped suit.
Snuggie! The blanket with sleeves! It’s a robe! It’s a blanket! One size fits all! I mean, just LOOK at that sexy beast on the couch up there. Imagine what it could do for your s.e.x. life, girls. Comes in a variety of colors to match your home!
Please, don’t worry about me. It’s the cold medicine talking, honest. I’m not really gonna buy this stuff. I could, however, use one of those clappers so I don’t have to get up to turn off the lights.