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If I Drink Bleach and Lysol, Will I Get Better?

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February 23, 2009 by Marj Hatzell

Friday morning started out innocently enough. I was tired and achy, but I blamed it on the fact that I averaged three hours of sleep a night all week (thank you, Bugaboo).  Bugaboo was kind enough to make a grand escape at Target (which involved security, alarms, locked doors and walkie-talkies. Yes, really.) and when we returned home from that glorious expedition, I was WIPED OUT. I thought it was just the adrenalin. I just needed to park on the couch for a little bit.  The house was too chilly. I turned the heat up.  WAY up.  The next thing I knew: 102 degree fever.

Basically, I spent THE ENTIRE WEEKEND on the couch, dozing off and on, in between spurts of energy.  I really, really, REALLY don’t have time for this.  Thank goodness DH is totally awesome and did TEN LOADS of laundry, folded them, did the dishes, did the food shopping and basically corralled the kids for me all weekend.  Bug Boy may or may not have played an unhealthy amount of video games (hey, it was all wii fit and wii bowling and mind puzzles, so at least his brain and body were stimulated).  And Bugaboo?  But Saturday evening HE HAD IT, TOO.  The nice thing about Bugaboo being truly sick is that he is barely moves.  And he verbalizes more.  And he signs more and makes better eye contact.  AND HE CUDDLES.  AND HE SLEEPS.  As in, slept all night and did not take his sleep medication, which is the first time in eight months he was able to sleep without it.  Sunday he spent most of the day dozing on the couch, not really eating and drinking very little.  Suddenly, his little body was all, “HEY!  It’s five o’clock!  MAGIC TIME!  WOOHOO!!!!”  and he was cured. And there was much rejoicing, as he gobbled down everything in sight, drank gallons of liquids and returned to his human-slinky form.

As in, he is like a slinky.  Up and down the stairs.  Really, I have to get video of this and post it. You’ll be all, “OMG!  WHY DOES SHE LET HIM DO THAT?” and I’ll be all, “AS IF I LET HIM DO IT.  IT’S BETTER NOT TO WATCH.”

Oh, and universe?  It is now the end of February.  We’ve endured the flu, colds, stomach viruses and random fevers.  We’ve been to the pediatrician four times.  We’ve had two emergency room visits.  We’ve been eating so much chicken soup I hope I never see it again.  Until next year.  Universe?  We’re done.  We get it.  Winter!  Colds!  Sickness!  CUT IT OUT, MMMKAY?

When I perked up for a spell yesterday, I made the hubster buy me more cleaning supplies and I went ape-shiat wiping every surface, door knob and light switch in the place. I scrubbed the bathrooms. I washed all bed linens, area rugs and towels.  I sprayed Lysol. I cleaned with bleach.  I threw out toothbrushes.  I’ll do anything to get this place healthy again.   Even if it means setting a bonfire in the backyard, burning everything and putting QUARANTINE signs on the windows.  Because, SICKNESS?  Go get someone else.  OR not.  Just go away.

2 thoughts on “If I Drink Bleach and Lysol, Will I Get Better?

  1. RuthWells says:

    Oh honey, no fun at all. Maybe if you added a little eye of newt to your cleaning routine? Just saying, couldn’t freakin’ hurt at this point!

  2. It’s been a long winter. We are hoping that March brings us some relief.

    Until then, don’t waste your time on the Lysol. Wash those kiddies nearly every second you can. Hands and faces carry the most germs.

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