I’m Making This Feeble Attempt at Living Up to My Name


January 24, 2009 by Marj Hatzell

The Domestic Goddess Moniker is a bit tongue-in-cheek, yo.  See, I picked it because I’m tired of telling folks I’m a Stay-At-Home-Mom or that I’m a “Homemaker.”  I think it sounds so….I dunno.  Boring?  Cop-out?  Loooo-hooooo-hooooo-serrrrrr?  My achievements do not live up to my aspirations?  Don’t get me wrong:  I like who I am.  I love what I do. I love me.  But when paperwork requires me to put down an occupation?  I write Domestic Engineer. People are usually pretty impressed with that answer. They think I work in a science field.

I digress…

So, without further ado, I present to you:


domestic_servant_ironing(That’s me.  I swear.)

  1. When shopping, organize your list (you do make a list, right?  RIGHT?) by store.  I cherry-pick and hit several places to get what I need. You may think this is a waste of time and money, but I’ve tried the “stick to one store” thing and I end up spending more than I should.  Of course, I have no willpower when it comes to cute little sweaters and socks and stockings and ballet flats and stuff at Tarzhay. But just pretend you didn’t read that.
  2. I keep a stash of environmentally-friendly reusable shopping bag in my car.  Minivan.  Mom-mobile. WHATEVS. They are cheap enough to buy.  I feel better for not getting so many freaking plastic bag, which are the bane of my existence.  Also?  They rip.  And there ain’t nothing embarrassing than your tampons ripping through an El Cheapo plastic bag made in communist someplace that fall into a big, dirty puddle and get freaking soaked and you were just running in really fast because Aunt Flo came at the wrong time and you weren’t prepared and you just spent SIX FREAKING DOLLARS on that box and now they are popping out of the package because they all just soaked up their max capacity of 1 fluid ounce. ( No, that never happened to me.  Maybe. ) Unless it’s the time you forgot that you had your filthy, dorky, furry shearling flip-flops on and ran out to a Home and School meeting and sat next to the super-duper-rich-and-snotty mom who made sure to note those “unique” shoes you had on.  Ahem.
  3. Dollar store.  Stock up on large packs of cheap toothbrushes. You ain’t gonna use ’em in your mouth, don’t worry.  Use them to scrub the little cracks in your kitchen and bath and along baseboards and window sills and stuff that you cannot reach with your generic cleaning equipment.  You can thank me later.
  4. Crock Pot.  Buy one.
  5. Go here and download the calendar if you cannot get organized enough to keep up with your housework.  It saved my life.  Also?  Go here, if you dare.  Also saved my life.  Hence my moniker…
  6. For the love of all that is good and holy, buy environmentally-friendly cleaning products.  Or make your own.  You know, just in case you have a kid that, I dunno, drinks out of the toilet and licks the floor?  Just sayin.
  7. Spend the money and buy a really good vacuum.  Don’t buy one based on commercials. Take the time to research them.  The better ones live up to their names.  They cost more money, sure.  But your house will be cleaner, they will last longer and your kids can ride them and pretend they are space shuttles and stuff. It’s fun and everyone wins.  It brings a family closer together.
  8. Damp, old cloth diapers make great dusting rags.  Feather dusters suck.  Unless they are purple.  And old, cloth diapers also mop up, say, SPILLED LAUNDRY DETERGENT, from your laundry room floor.  They also soak up, say, WHOLE BOTTLES OF JUICE, from your kitchen floor.  Also?  They clean poo off of the carpet really well.  I love me long time. Just sayin’.
  9. I hate paper towels. Hate ’em. I only buy them because my usually-ecologically-obsessed hubster has to have them hanging by the sink. He does not like to dry his hands on cloth towels.  I have this little game I play where I keep the paper towels in the storage area of the laundry room where I put all of my not-oft-used kitchen stuff and I know he’s too lazy to go get ’em and he ain’t gonna reboot the laundry anyways.  I invested in a few stacks of El Cheapo cotton wash cloths from Tarzhay (they have ’em on an endcap for about $5 a stack).  I keep them in a drawer with the cloth diapers and kitchen towels.  I keep them by the sink to wipe counters and spills (a constant thing in our house) and can toss them in a pile and replace. This saves even more paper towels.  If you do laundry daily (you really should be doing laundry daily. Don’t argue with me and tell me you don’t have time to do it, you have a MACHINE THAT DOES IT FOR YOU FOR CRISSAKES. ) you won’t have to worry about germs and smelly rags and stuff because you use a few of them and WASH THEM.  Also?  I HATE PAPER TOWELS.
  10. I keep a stash of plastic shopping bags in my glove box in case, say, a kid pukes in the car or you have a stinky diaper in the middle of no where with no place to chuck it or if someone wets their pants in the middle of Wyoming because he has this hang up over using public restrooms and nearly held it in for the three-day trip across the country.  Ahem.

And for the audience participation portion of our show, let me know if there is anything you want to know. Anything at all.  Like, brands, cleaning tips, PEOPLE WHO STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.  Anything. I may regret this later, but it’s open mike time.  Step up to the plate and express yourself. Go ahead, I’m waiting…

4 thoughts on “I’m Making This Feeble Attempt at Living Up to My Name

  1. RuthWells says:

    While I would NEVAR claim to be a domestic goddess, I do have one trick — mix equal parts white vinegar and water in an old Windex bottle (rinse it first, of course) and you have an environmentally friendly, VERY effective glass cleaner. I keep meaning to mix another bottle that also contains a bit of ammonia to use as a de-greaser around the stove.

  2. GeekChick says:

    What about something to sanitize?
    What brands DO you buy?
    How often do you dust?

    And, sweetie, you are totally DG to me!

  3. She Started It says:

    I am a paper towel whore, and trying my best to curb this addiction..

  4. Amy says:

    One thing I do with extra plastic shopping bags is donate them to daycare. The staff are always happy to see them so they have extras for Diaper Disposal.

    Also, I used to be a paper plate whore, but I have redeemed myself. Now, to cure that paper towel problem…

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