Brace Yourselves, It’s a Sensitive Topic


October 29, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

If you are easily offended, NOW would be a great time to stop reading.  I’m serious.  Srsly. I decided yesterday that I must get on my soapbox and rant for a few minutes.  This is a very sensitive subject and I know it is very personal.  No one ever wants to talk about it.

It’s about toilet paper, y’all.

The reason for this rant?  I’m so freaking sick and tired of going into a public restroom and finding sand paper to wipe myself.  Lady parts are delicate flowers, no?  And worse yet?  When you are in a hurry, you go about a gallon and then reach to grab paper and…one sheet comes off.  Worse than that?  Half of the sheet comes off. And rips. And then you rip sheet after sheet off until you become so frustrated you’ve dripped dry at this point and wad up what you have and use it and then storm out of the stall, over to the sink, turning on the water so that it splashes all over you and you reach for the paper towel (also dispensed one sheet at a time) and it RIPS IN HALF, TOO.

This is purely hypothetical.  It’s not like it actually happened yesterday at the Wawa in Folsom or anything.  And it certainly didn’t happen at six o’clock EDT.

And it isn’t like I went to Mecca Tarzhay and had to go pretty badly (I’m pushing fluids, I’ve had a rotten cold, yo) and the cleanest stall was actually open for a change and so I go in there, yank the undies down and squat (never sit on a public toilet) and realize there ain’t a sheet of paper in there. And even if there was, that stuff is like using a piece of cardboard on your hoo-ha and who wants that?  Certainly not me.

I’m fairly certain that the board of directors at toilet paper manufactors are ALL MEN.  See, they only wipe about a fifth as much as we gals do and therefore they don’t care if it works like sandpaper.  I bet there’s a grand conspiracy at foot and they actually have, say, Cottonelle or Charmin in their loos.  Seriously.  I’m going in there next time. I bet it’s cleaner, too.  There’s always a line at the ladies’ room.  I never see a man go in a public restroom.  Not even my man. Not even my boys.  But that may be due to the fact that my boys don’t use public restrooms and prefer to actually go by the nearest tree or, say, wet themselves in THE MIDDLE OF NEBRASKA when you yourself are running a fever of, say, ONE HUNDRED FOUR and there aren’t any rest stops for two hundred miles because you passed one and stopped twenty miles ago and he SWEARS, HE DOESN’T HAVE TO GO AND NOTHING WILL COME OUT.

Just sayin’.

9 thoughts on “Brace Yourselves, It’s a Sensitive Topic

  1. Merlot says:

    Hmmm…I don’t have an aversion to the scratchy TP, but I do hate the way it is so thin and breaks off so your stuck pulling each square one by one. Are you one of those people that squat, but don’t bother to wipe off any spray?

  2. No, I make sure I don’t spray. Because if it does, I sure as heck ain’t gonna be able to get a piece of paper to wipe it, now am I?

  3. It’s a plight! I saw some of those little portable toilet paper things (you know what I am talking about – the ones that are rolled up in cute packages)
    I am not at that point yet, but in a few sheets….

  4. pkzcass says:

    Too funny! I’m glad you’re not a spraying squatter. Cause I could get on a soapbox about that. And I wouldn’t bet that the mens’ rooms are cleaner. My DH and boys would attest to how nasty they can be. At least they can stand and don’t have to touch anything at all. It’s just not fair.

  5. Maddy says:

    Ooo dearie me. You and me both. [the cold too and the increased fluid intake = not a happy combination]

    This is why I carry a sack [like father christmas rather than a handbag] There’s bound to be a tatty tissue in there somewhere, isn’t there?

  6. Adorable Girlfriend says:

    I don’t use public restrooms. It makes my life easier. When I do — I enter at my own risk.

  7. Vicki says:

    OH MAN!! I feel your pain. I hate public restrooms. I have a small solution for you though. If you truly hate them that much, pack some of those flushable wipes in a baggie in your purse. Just make sure you refill before you leave home or you may be stuck somewhere without anything to wipe with but your sock…hehe.

    And I hate people who never flush. Or the one’s who leave and don’t wash their hands…I swear the grossness goes on and on with public bathrooms.

  8. Casdok says:

    Great rant! And i couldnt agree more!!

  9. Anonymous says:

    Good day!Fantastic point,it’s so helpful to me,I’ve learned a lot from you,Keep on going,my friend,I will keep an eye on it,One more thing,thanks for your post!welcome to .

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