October 15, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
Once Upon a Time, the Queen’s family was having a week of much family drama. The Queen’s brother (the Cop Sheriff) and his wife (the Princess) are separating. Like, The royal family all totally saw it coming and nearly predicted it when they got married, but folks have to work things out on their own, no?
Without going into tons of details, let’s just say that The Queen’s youngest brother and his was-gonna-be-fiancee-at-Christmas-but-now-expecting-a-baby-so-they’re-putting-wedding-plans-on-hold are having a shower planned in their honor. Princess Sister-in-law took the reigns (forcefully, I might add) and basically excluded the royal and told them nothing until one weekend the Queen received a call from youngest brother. Lady Nearly-Fiancee’s mom couldn’t get in touch with The Princess and needed addresses, the invites were supposed to be out yesterday. The Queen panicked, called her brother, the Cop Sheriff, knowing The Princess was moving out right then. The Queen never got a call back. The Queen put her big girl pants on and called The Princess, asking for the addresses. Now, I’m not gonna spread all of their dirty business all over the Internet (she cheated and she’s a compulsive liar) but The Princess is totally not getting the whole “We’re separated “thing and thinks the royal family is trying to shove her out of the family because she was asked to step down from shower preparations. Um, it’s a tad awkward, mmkay? Plus? It’s weird. The Princess barely knows them and is planning the shower? Let the royal family handle it. The Princess is now accusing the royal family of forcing her out, called the Sheriff, creating tons of drama. That’s her M.O, y’all. The Princess IS drama. It runs in her veins. It’s all about the Princess, she’s gotta be in the spotlight. Never mind the fact that it is tearing the royal family apart and eating The Queen’s brother alive. Grrrrr…
Anyways, there’s been that to deal with.The Queen is not sleeping a wink because of it. As much as The Princess is a Royal Pain in the Rear, it’s emotionally draining. Plus, it’s the third divorce in the immediate Royal Family. The Queen’s third sibling. Second one THIS YEAR. Now The Queen knows why two of her brothers are so hesitant to buy the cow (they are getting the milk for FREE, FREE, FREE). Sigh. And don’t get The Queen started about the brother still living with my parents. He ain’t never gonna get hitched. Ever.
The Queen is still not amused about that one. Ahem.
Perhaps The Queen was brought up differently. I don’t mean to boast, but in The Queen’s neck o’the woods they think of others first. No, The Royal Family PUTS OTHERS FIRST. In fact? They turn the other cheek. They give without expecting to receive. They certainly don’t keep lists of exactly how much they get from people so they know exactly what to give back. They certainly don’t cozy up to people who are engaged or pregnant or nearly engaged so that they can get asked to be Maid of Honor or plan showers or get asked to be God Parents, just so they can feel important and get glory and then drop them like a hot stone when they get what they want out of the situation. The Royal Family also doesn’t throw hissy fits at OTHER PEOPLE’S WEDDINGS AND SHOWERS when they aren’t the center of attention. They certainly don’t make little children feel badly and talk down to them so that they feel more important when others are having all the fun.
I think I figured it out, though. People in the Royal Family are just too nice. They’re doormats. They do so much for people. They never ask for help Themselves. “NO!” ain’t in their vocabulary. Card-carrying members of the “Too Stoopid to Say, ‘NO!’ Club.” And, therefore, They tend to marry people and do too much for them. Some of them have met people who are just as nice as they are. Some of them met people who treat the Royal Family like toe jam and totally take advantage of the fact that they never put themselves first. There is a such thing as being TOO NICE. Now, The Queen has her biatchy moments. She IS THE QUEEN, after all. She can be grumpy. About twice a year she gets all pessimistic on her bad self and calls her sisters and say, “IT AIN’T FAIR! I WANT MY KID TO TALK! LET SOMEONE ELSE CLEAN UP THE POO!” or “WE STILL HAVE A DIRT PIT IN THE BACKYARD AND NO DECK AND THE DOG AND PRINCE BUGABOO KEEP TRACKING IT INTO THE HOUSE!” And then five minutes later she’s all, “Hey! But It’s a gorgeous day outside! Life is good! WOOHOO!” (Yeah, can’t keep her down for long. Thank you, royal blue happy pills, for bringing her back to life.) The Queen will also admit that they aren’t all Happy-Fun-Time all the time. But it’s find it strange that they’ve all been drawn to occupations that help others (several of them were or are teachers).
The Queen is really hoping that things change and that if it is possible, the Princess and the Sheriff get back together, if that is what they are destined to do. He has prayed about it, gone to a spiritual adviser, sees a therapist and spends time talking to family and friends. He is making every effort to get things on track. But The Sheriff keeps finding more and more about The Princess that he did not know. Like, five affairs (that he knows of), four maxed-out Credit Cards (that he knows of) and bad credit and compulsive shopping habits(that he knows of). And compulsive lying. And lying to get out of lies. And lies, lies, lies, spending, spending, spending. Now, he’s not completely innocent. He gave her chance after chance. he forgave her transgressions and forgot about them. He works compulsively. Likes a clean house. Can be pretty picky. Rearranges The Queen’s soup cans when he comes over. Wipes her counters…oh yeah, we’re talking about him. Where was I? Many people woulda walked out a looooooong time ago. But the Sheriff believes in love, morals and God. He believes in his marriage vows of love and honor until death parts. And it’s tearing him up inside. On one hand, he’s violating everything he believes in by divorcing her. On the other hand, he’s violating what he believes as a man of God because he is trying to uphold his end of the deal and it ain’t happening. In other words, the Queen thinks he’s a heck of a man. She’s quite proud of him. And she loves him very much and it hurts The Queen that the Sheriff hurts so much.
Anyways, The Queen would very much appreciate good thoughts, prayers, vibes, voodoo spells and pixie dust sent the Sheriff’s way. ‘Cause this ain’t gonna be over for months (it’s gonna drag on and on, because The Princess loves episode after episode of drama) and the whole family, especially the Sheriff, is gonna need hugs.