August 26, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
Three days and twenty-seven hundred miles later, and here we are. Home. I’m trying to come up with an appropriate title for our vacation, and I’m thinking it should be something like, “Bugaboo and Mommy sleep in hotel parking lots across America” or “Fifty Ways to Bite Your Mother” or “If you give a Bugaboo a cookie, he might stay in his car seat. If he stays in his car seat, you won’t have to pull over at every f*cking rest stop.” Or how about, “Bugaboo can clear the whole public pool with one swift poo (and they’ll close it for the rest of the day.)?”
We had an AWESOME time. I mean, what we saw was amazing. The drive across our great nation was enjoyable and relaxing, believe it or not. Yes, RELAXING. Thirty-two hours of driving through eleven states over three days. Enjoyable and relaxing. Here’s a recap (hope you remember your geography abbreviations):
PA – Tolls. Trucks. More tolls. More trucks. TUNNEL. TUNNEL. TUNNEL. Toll. Pittsburgh! Then…
OH – Best rest areas in the US, hands down. I’ve been to 37 states now. Trust me on this one. Oh and OH? Don’t blink. It’s over fast. So was MI.
IN – Northern IN is wannabe Chicago. Just sayin’. Pretty awesome hotel that night. Purty, clean, awesome pool. More horse trailer and RV companies in one square mile than I’ve ever seen in my whole life. They like them some RVs.
IL – Here’s our view of Chicago:
Breath taking. Literally.
IA – Look! Corn! Look! Pigs! Look kids! Corn! Again. And Pigs! Again. And! MORE CORN! Wow! And. Corn. And Pigs. Sigh. More corn…
NE – Surprisingly flat. Pretty, quiet, no Cracker Barrels. WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? And what do you know! Corn. Again. And. Soy? More soy? MORE SOY? Oh….biodiesel. I get it.
WY – the second you enter the state you begin climbing up, up, up…until you reach 10,000 elevation. With an ear infection. Which doesn’t exactly tickle. But daggumit, I wasn’t about to ruin our first real vacay ever with a wimpy ear infection, no siree! I’m still going to Yellowstone! Fever be darned! What’s that? No urgent care for 500 miles? Erm… the ear suddenly feels much better, really. I have another one. PS – hold your nose at the mud vulcano.
Peeeeee-yooooooo. Your seven-year-old may tell EVERYONE in the park that day that the mud volcano smells like farts. Even the french people. Even the russian people. Even the rangers. And the bison. And we saw the REAL BIGFOOT! REALLY!
ID – Just passing through, but it was awfully purty. Fields and fields of taters. DG was in potato heaven. She plans on moving there. Forever. Just for the taters.
UT – Oh, Utah, Utah, Utah. It’s so pretty here. It’s so clean. But the sprinklers? The Suv’s? For such a family oriented place THERE’S AN AWFUL LOTTA WASTE GOING ON HERE! Way to ruin it for future generations! Oh, and can we talk about the fact that for a culture that is proudly healthy and into recreation and family-values (LDS) why is there a fast-food place ON EVERY CORNER? And why can’t I buy almond milk there? Hmmm? Btw, I enjoyed the views and mountains and alpine slide. I love visiting. But I have to tell you that 22% humidity does not a heat wave make. Please come visit the east coast. The end.
And then we started driving back…
Can I just tells ya? The DS we bought Bug Boy with gift certs to survive our trip? You know, so Rainman wouldn’t yap in our ears for three days straight? Best thing on the planet, y’all. And the Thomas DVDs we brought for Bugaboo? We opened the case and…it was empty. Forgot it. Left it at home in the DVD player. Which was ok, because there is a Walmarts every five feet, it turns out. The midwest, they love the Walmarts. And some of them sell food. And booze. And beef jerky, which it turns out that Bugaboo likes.
They also sell zip ties, velcro straps and safety pins, which we attempted to MacGuyver into something that Bugaboo couldn’t climb out of. Turns out that he doesn’t need to undo the car seat the get out. He can COLLAPSE HIS BONES LIKE A FREAKING CAT and squeeze out, no matter how tight we pull that harness strap. We don’t need a five-point harness for our little Houdini, we need a flipping straight jacket. Except he could figure out that, too. Don’t get me started on the supposed-child-proof features of all of the hotels we stayed out. What we need to start doing is hiring Bugaboo out to consult with places that wanna do serious child-proofing, and I’ll just let him go do his Dr. Destructo/Whirling Dirvish/Speedy Gonzalez routine and I’ll tell the folks, “SEE THAT? WHAT HE’S DOING THERE? FIX IT.” And we’ll make a freaking mint. Which I will use to pay for private therapy. Or put a deck on my house, because we still have a freaking dirt pit and we spent the money we were going to use for the deck on a vacation.
A vacation we came back a week early from. That smelled like farts. Hmmmm…
Anyways, here was the best part about our trip. The bug carnage on our grill when we got home. A sight to behold, for certain. There are bugs from all across America on this car, my friends. A real patriotic tribute to our country if I ever saw one. Here you go. You can thank me later: