August 7, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
I’m feeling the need to have a cathartic experience. I need to purge the ugly thoughts and negativity from my brain today. I have ONE DAY LEFT of Bugaboo’s summer program, so it’s time to get it all out in the open, mmkay? The good news is that we have The Best Babysitter In the Whole Wide World coming tomorrow and I have plenty of helpers next week. But I want to get this off of my chest for the sake of having a better day today than I’ve had the past couple of days. If you don’t wanna hear it, might I suggest you scroll to the end? kthx. Here goes:
Hey, people who don’t get autism: Guess what? They aren’t brats. They ain’t spoiled (ok, maybe a teensy bit.). In fact, the reason they get all wonky in Tarzhay over their arm hair blowing in the wind or the announcements being too loud is because they have something WRONG WITH THEIR BRAINS. They can’t help it. Now, I refuse to accept their behavior and will take them out of the store as quickly as possible. But don’t you DARE give me the hairy eyeball and the “sh*tty parent” award and Tsk under your breath. Think you can do better? C’mon over! I could use a two-week vacation! You wouldn’t last an hour.
Dear road maintenance people, aka Aqua PA: Do me a teensy favor and PUT UP A FREAKING SIGN AT THE BEGINNING OF THE STREET so that I don’t drive a full mile down the road, only to come across a “ROAD CLOSED” sign when I am fifteen freaking minutes late and I’m picking up my kids SICK from school. Is that too much to ask? PS – when you repave? You do a really crappy job. And it has taken you four months to rip up the same section of Baltimore Pike and we’re all really tired of it.
Yo! Dog walkers: My dog may be large and black but she is gentle and friendly and happy and is afraid of her own freaking shadow. She’s never bitten or growled at anyone. In fact, she encounters a Chihuahua and passively and submissively turtles on the ground. Give her a chance, she loves other dogs. While we’re at it, CLEAN UP YOUR DOG’S POO and don’t you DARE let that freaking Corgi go on my lawn again. I’m looking at you, people in the peach house on the next block. Yes, I notice him at 6 am. Stop letting him on my lawn!
Parent of the year award winners: BELT YOUR YOUNGIN’S IN CAR SEATS! WITH SEAT BELTS! It ain’t cute seeing them bounce around the back of the vehicle while you puff on your ciggie and listen to loud, explicit music. Better yet? Stop letting ten-year-olds roam the streets in the dark of night. We can’t see them because they wear black. And stop letting four-year-olds ride bikes in the street unattended while you watch tv. And give that kid a bath once in a while, mmkay?
Dearest offspring of mine: I can do without the late-night wakenings and the freaking ear and eye infections. I can also do without the meldowns. And? Guess what! You have ANOTHER PARENT who you can hand that cup/box/car/toy to in order to get help. His name is Daddy. Try it! It works! Oh, and PLEASE GET RID OF THE TOXIC EYE INFECTION BEFORE VACATION. And please don’t disappear in Yellowstone or Moab and make us call the police and get all embarassed. Thanks.
Ahhhhh….I feel better already. Go on, share yours. I dare you. It’ll make you feel good…good…good…