July 22, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

Sometimes its good just to get it all out, so to speak.  I’m not a confrontational person by nature, but when it is necessary, I will tell people when they are being eejits. But only people who will forgive me and call me again the next day (like my sister). Complete strangers? Different story…

Anyways, here’s what I’d like to say, but can’t (for one reason or another):

Dear Bugaboo,

I know you are having a blast at your all-night parties, but your momma really needs a break.  She’s tired and can’t think or function and probably shouldn’t even drive.  We’re under enough stress as it is, dearest boy.  And Teletubbies?  Really?  At 4am?  WHY?

I know how we can solve this.  You stop “holding it in” and your tummy won’t hurt, and I won’t need to give you baths (or En-Em-Uhs) in the middle of the night.  Dood, you are taking every precaution necessary to go to the bathroom.  The GI just told me you don’t have to go back anymore, and then this started.  Aren’t you sick of endoscopies and Barium GIs?  Just curious.

I’ve got another deal for you.  Your father says that I have to stop saying certain curse-words around you because he’s afraid those words might be your first.  I don’t care if your first words IS f*ck, I’ll take it. But make your Daddy happy and say, “Jeep!” mmkay?

Love, Momma

PS – please sleep until eight on Saturday and Sunday. I ain’t getting up.

Dearest Husband,

You’d think that after twelve years of marriage and four years of dating before that I’d have you figured out.  What I learn, however, is that the mystery deepens with each passing day.  For example, it really ticked me off when you stole my organic worm poo to spread all over the lawn to fertilize the grass when I need that for my tomaters. Go buy your own.  And is there some reason we have to fertilize the lawn, say, every week?  The more you fertilize, the more you have to CUT THE GRASS. But somehow I think, in some weirdly twisted way, that is EXACTLY what you want.

Also?  When you called yesterday and asked me if I wanted to buy a scooter, because it was only $5,000 and $35 a month to insure, I really thought you were joking.  At least, I hoped you were joking.  Well, I knew you weren’t joking by your tone of voice. But since I’m currently terribly sleep-deprived, I wasn’t totally listening to you. And then later, when you told me you were totally serious?  I stood there baffled and staring at you because I thought you completely lost it. I mean, I WANT one of those scooters.  We just don’t NEED one of those scooters (Who’s practical now, eh?).  If we had the money to BUY one of those scooters, I could tell you with complete honesty that we need to use that money to build A DECK or to pay for the ridiculously expensive private therapy.  Because that’s how I measure things these days.  “$2,000?  That’s, like, TWENTY THERAPY SESSIONS!  Or the materials for the deck, if we build it ourselves!”  You know, because we still have this big dirt pile that Bugaboo brings into the house, one little handful at a time, all over my Family Room rug.  Sigh.

I can’t believe we are DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN LESS THAN A MONTH.  We must be insane. Or, you’ll be flying back by yourself…

Love, Me

Dear parents,

Dad, Mom lies to you when she goes to the doctor’s office.  You need to start going with her so you know what is going on. I can’t believe you buy her BS stories. And that she told your daughters about her stroke and heart attack(s) and you had no idea that happened. Also?  Her internist is an eejit for giving her narcotic pain medication. You don’t give a person with addiction problems ADDICTIVE MEDICATION.  Don’t let her drive any more, she totaled two cars in one day in one incident and lived to tell about it. Now you have NO CARS.

Mom, get a grip.  You never call, you never come to see your grand kids and you spend all day in bed. And then when I do talk to you, you run down a list and hang up before I can actually converse with you.  We also don’t need anymore holy water from Rome, Lourdes, Ireland or anyplace else you’ve been on a religious pilgrimage to cure Bugaboo. I appreciate your efforts, but he doesn’t need to be cured.  And he drinks it or stims on it and pours it all over the house. I’m fairly certain our house is the most blessed in America.  At least from a holy water standpoint. I mean, who else can say they’ve got water from Medjugorje sprinkled all over their kitchen? Not many people.

I want your dog.  You don’t walk him enough and he needs more activity. Stop feeding him table scraps.  The end.

Love, Your ungrateful and bratty daughter

PS – the scarab bracelet that I lost that one time in the car heat vent?  MINE.

Dear Bug Boy,

I love you and you are the light of my life.  Is it too much to ask for you to take FOUR teensy pills in LESS THAN forty-five minutes? ‘Cause it is excruciating for me to witness it each morning. I am pretty sure most kids can finish a bowl of cereal before it gets so soggy it can be used as wall paper paste.

I was very proud of you the other day because you were generous.  Generosity is VERY hard for you, and it is difficult for you to share.  When we went to Tarzhay, you used your own money and bought your friend a pack of trading cards AND a binder so that she’d have her own collection.  That was so sweet!  And I didn’t even have to prompt you or ask you to do it, you did it all on your own because you wanted her to be happy.  You are well on your way to becoming a good spouse some day. Just don’t buy anyone scooters before you build a deck or go on vacation, mmkay?

Love, Momma

That feels better already…try it, you’ll see.

6 thoughts on “Letters

  1. heartache heartburn says:

    that was great. it’s too bad all the people i might want to write a letter to read my blog. that might actually accomplish something though.

  2. heartache heartburn says:

    man…i hit send before i was done…i am new to this blogging thing!

    my next paragraph was going to say…

    WAIT…I blog anonymously. They don’t even know I have a blog. I must start working on my letters now!

  3. Wow. AG needs to write some letters. The problem is RoD is broken. Again.

  4. Geek Girl says:

    Totally loved these! I just called you, by the way 🙂 Waiting for you to call back….

    I am going to write my own! What a cool concept. Thanks 🙂

  5. JEANNE says:

    That’s an AWESOME idea!!! I have a few that I could write.

    BTW – my little guy (4) withholds poop too. It’s been an endless saga of constipation, then liquid stool, then constipation, etc etc. Test after test revealed not a darn thing wrong.

    My latest trick, if he hasn’t gone in a few days and I want to “clean him out” is to feed him cherries (they work better than prunes!!). Ha! Just TRY holding that in 😉

  6. mary z says:

    I have no idea how I found your blog, but I read it all of the time and think the letters are so funny — but true funny, especially the “stimming” with the holy water and the first word being f—. We have a stimmer in our household too… 🙂

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