Yeah, I’ve Got Nuttin’


July 10, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

My mind is drawing a blank. Not sure if it is because I had to nuke my tea three times this morning (and ultimately did not finish it) or because NOTHING EXCITING HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME or because I’ve not been sleeping well (for eight years now) but I just cannot think of a thing to write today.  It ain’t writers block, honest. I just keep deleting everything before I post it.  Premature de-postization.  Yeah, that’s what they call it.

Anyways, for your viewing pleasure, I thought I’d instead treat you to a list of the search terms that some sickos fine, upstanding citizens used to accidentally stumble upon my humble little neck-o’-the-woods.  I honestly don’t remember writing about most of this stuff, but somehow they keep finding me.  Go away, sick people.  Please.  It’s creepy and unhealthy and there are real people on the other side of that computer screen. HONEST!  Move that dusty seventies drape out of the way of your mom’s basement window and look out there!  TREES!  GRASS!  PEOPLE!  And, get this!  If you WALK OUTSIDE, say, you can breathe FRESH AIR.


So here’s what they’ve been looking for:

  • Domestic goddess (no kidding)
  • How to grow potatoes (oh YEAH!)
  • Regrowing potatoes
  • Growing potatoes in the front yard (I don’t recommend that)
  • Electric Bugaboo
  • Post-Partum Bathing Suit (EX-SQUEEZE ME?)
  • What parents want to know about autism (that it starts with an A- and ends with -utism?)
  • Kissing in “Music Man” is excessive (what, are you in Dubai or something?)
  • Riding the Short People’s bus (the prefer “Little People”)
  • Jenny McCarthy Haircut (Mine’s better)
  • Act your age, not your shoe size
  • Yellow tears (also known as conjunctivitis)
  • Keeping your mouth shut when sleeping (use duct tape)
  • Blood-sucking leeches (eeeeewww…I don’t even want to know)
  • E.n.e.m.a.s for f.u.n. (GO AWAY SICKOS!  IT AIN’T FUN!)
  • Why do people have a sulky face (because they need an e.n.e.m.a.)
  • Iceberg in Utah (uh. Methinks you might need a geography lesson. Or stop smoking the Mary Jane.)
  • Autism and fireworks (we made it out alive! YEAH SILENCING HEADPHONES!)
  • Does Passive-aggressive husband love? (himself, yes)
  • M.D.F. the bed (I don’t even want to know)
  • McCain + yard (not in MY YARD, you don’t!)
  • What kind of domestic goddess am I? (You aren’t one. I am.   The end.)
  • Twain guests smell days ( And was wrong, it was Benjamin Franklin.  But maybe not, that’s what Wiki says.)
  • Poo in the backyard (plenty of that around here)

And my favorite:

  • I want to be a Domestic Goddess

Nope. Sorry. You can’t.  There’s only enough room in this world for one of us (in other words, I’m more than enough for the world to handle.).  Go get your own shtick, mmkay?

7 thoughts on “Yeah, I’ve Got Nuttin’

  1. Anjali says:

    Ok, you got me. I’m the “iceberg in Utah”

    (ha ha)

  2. Synia says:

    Well, you got me too. I’m the “Domestic Goddess”. Just wanted to see how many of us there are out there! LOL
    (surprisingly…quite a few)

  3. We never get that kind of stuff at RoD.

    The Internets hates us!!

  4. Angela says:

    Oh LOL on some of those…enemas and potatoes, huh.

    That should cure your writer’s block for now, right?

  5. Lucy Tascone says:

    Someone needs to address the problem of fading car magnets. I see them turning up on roadways every where. It’s a disgrace. What is the proper etiquette anyway? I mean just how faded can a yellow ribbon car magnet get before it should be replaced? Domestic Goddess, I think you are the one that needs to address this problem. So there’s some fodder for your blog. I will be waiting for your response.

  6. Jacki says:

    Nope, there is only one Domestic Goddess…you are one of a kid, girl.

  7. Boycott fake domestic goddesses!

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