Bathing Suit Manufacturers Are Taking Part of a Grand Conspiracy to Make Women All Over the World Feel Like Crap11
June 10, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
It’s true. Don’t believe me? Have you BEEN SHOPPING FOR A SUIT LATELY?
See, I just spent five loooooong years working my toosh off so that I could get to my healthiest weight, which I believed to be near my pre-baby weight. That is when I was at my personal best, as far as I am concerned. With Bug Boy I gained thirty-five pounds and lost most of it before I was preggers with Bugaboo, only fifteen months later. I lost ten initially with Bugaboo (just couldn’t eat enough to nurse and be preggers) and then GAINED SIXTY. Yeah, don’t ever tell a pregnant woman who loves potatoes that she’s allowed to gain as much as she wants, mmkay?
So here we are five years later and I FINALLY got down to pre-baby weight. I mean, pre-both-babies-weight. I was so proud of myself. I mean, I was the same number post-partum as pre-baby (ok, ok, if you added ten to it) but it still felt good to see that magic number on my doctor’s scale. This year, due to the fact that my hips (but never my butt) are nearly the same size they were then, I had to buy more clothes. The crotch of my pants was hanging down to mid-thigh, my skirts slipped down my hips (but were stopped by my ample posterior) and my shirts hung on me. No longer did I want to wear shapeless, baggy threads (aka my husbands teeshirts). Now it was time to wear clothes that actually FIT ME! IMAGINE THAT!
I’ve just spent the past few months hunting down sales, scouring consignment stores and picking through racks and racks of clothing from my favorite stores, including Tarzhay. I have amassed a nice, comfy collection of clothing (all brown, as my husband points out. And green, as I pointed out.). I only need a few things here and there (maybe another skirt or two, as I don’t wear shorts at all, unless they are down to my knees or lower. And I think they call them capris or crops then, right? I have plenty of cute tees and tanks. I just needed to find a suit. Now, I haven’t shopped for a suit in several years. I wore the same suit post-partum with both boys (fab tankini from Tarzhay that I could nurse in easily) and it seemed to shrink with me, although I am pretty sure last year it was so baggy around my chest that I was flashing a few folks. And since I swim, oh, like twice a year? I didn’t care. But I tried it on a few weeks ago and thought I looked like a frumpy, washed-out hag. It looked awful. It was threadbare, dry rotted and had little bits of pilling all over it. Time to chuck it. In fact, I chucked it so I would never be tempted to wear it again.
That’s when the search began. Three months of searching to find a decent, flattering-yet-somewhat-modest suit for a mom. No string bikinis, bottoms that cover my rear without too many wedgies and a teensy bit of support to hold up the girls, since they are slightly droopy (ok, FINE! They are sagging and wrinkled! PBLTTT!!!!). I don’t think that is so much to ask. The thing is, it is apparently TOO MUCH TO ASK! I could not find anything one piece that wasn’t rio-cut (read: hip holes higher than my belly button), cut down to my navel or had holes cut out of the side to show my ribs. Or that didn’t have little metal decorations or beads (HELLO? BATHING SUIT PEOPLE? Metal on a bathing suit when you SIT IN THE SUN AND IT GETS HOT?). And two pieces? I found a few tankinis but they were too retro and too skimpy and too halter and no support and all, “HEY! LOOKY HERE! I’M A DROOPY MOM AND I’M TRYING TO LOOK SIXTEEN!” I almost feel like i need a belly button ring and a tramp stamp right above my arse. Almost. Ok, totally not.
That’s when I stumbled upon THIS thing of beauty. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Simple, my kind of color. Decent, modest cut yet cute. Almost affordable (GASP! Bathing suits got PRICEY!) and better than the selection at the five freaking discount stores I visited trying to find a cheap, cute suit. So I checked out the size chart online, ordered one size up to account for the fact that suits run small and my butt is a little bigger than that and the girls are, too. And then I received a notice that the bottoms and top were shipping separately. At the end of this month. Like, two weeks AFTER I needed the freaking suit!
AND! It gets better! The bottoms unexpectedly arrived Saturday morning. They did not fit. Too small. I had to send it back and order the next size up. Which was a seriously huge blow to my already fragile-bathing-suit-shopping-ego. I swear, the people who make these suits are all men who have girlfriend issues who want to make us feel really crappy because they are in therapy from a bad breakup and they still have their little voodoo dolls of their girlfriends and they’re all, “HA! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT! ORDERING TWO SIZES ABOVE YOUR DRESS SIZE! MWAHAHAHAHA!”
Please, pray that the top fits. I don’t think I could stand the rejection. And also that the reordered bottoms fit. Because I really couldn’t handle that rejections. And? It would also be nice if these dang bathing suit pieces arrived before July 4th. Just sayin’. ALso? I’m thinking it’s time to shave the bikini line and the leg area above my knees.
Just in case you needed to know that about me. And now I’ve created this fabulous visual for y’all. Hope you aren’t eating lunch.