Where I Actually Attempt to Live Up to My Name


June 5, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

No, I don’t mean, “Pearl.” I mean, DOMESTIC GODDESS. Like, you know, the name, “The Domestic Goddess” is a bit tongue-in-cheek, since I am neither a natural domestic nor a goddess? So, I got to thinking (always dangerous and followed by the detection of an acrid odor) that I should actually enlighten y’all with my bestest housekeeping tips ever. I mean, I can’t keep up this Domestic Goddess ruse forever, right? Shall we begin?

  1. Dollar store. Cheap toothbrushes. Buy several packs and keep them under your sink. They come in handy for scrubbing the little bits around drains, spigots (did you know that’s really how you spell that? IT AIN’T SPICKET! WEIRD!) and and skinny spots on your appliances and such. My friend also uses them to clean her light switches. Since mine are constantly replaced (I’m working on finding decorative ones I like) I haven’t gotten to do this in the three years I’ve lived her. THREE YEARS? Yikes! I gotta get paintin’!
  2. Make lists. Don’t knock it, but try Flylady. No! Really! Just read what she has to say and commit. Don’t make excuses. Ignore the freaking e-mails. The gist is this: Start small, take baby steps, add one thing at a time. Fifteen minutes at a time. It will eventually become routine. You won’t have to think about it anymore. That’s the worst part about housework, the thinking part. Well, and the doing part. But at least you don’t have to think while you do, right? RIGHT? C’mon! Throw me a bone here!
  3. Stains on clothing: One part CASCADE POWDER to one part CLOROX COLOR-SAFE BLEACH. Trust me, buy the brand names. Other crap doesn’t work. It has to be those two or you are going straight to H-E-Double Hockey-Sticks. So take equal amounts of each and mix with freaking-hot water in a bucket. Then soak the garment. It gets out blood, oil, you name it. Except rust. I have yet to find a recipe for that. Rust, you say? Don’t ask. The answer is simple: Bugaboo. ’nuff said.
  4. Ok, ok, fine. So you don’t want to try Ms. Purple Puddles. You ain’t trying hard enough. So try Motivated Moms instead. It got me going for two years straight. And it’s worth the $8 I spent. Plus, it looks REALLY GOOD on your fridge when you cross stuff off and your husband looks at it and is all, “WOW! You did all this since Monday?” And you’re all, “Yeah! GO ME!” And he’s all, “Hey! Let’s go have at it in bed, you domestic-freaking-goddess, you!” Yeah, great aphrodisiac. I sware. Swear, even. And for the weeks you aren’t in the mood? Just don’t check anything off. That works as a mood killer, too. Win-win situation!
  5. Anti-bacterial wipes clean up just about anything. Sharpie on linoleum (windex works, too), chocolate handprints on walls, pen on wood furniture, juice stains on floors. You name it. Even poo on _______ (INSERT PLACES POO HAS BEEN IN DG’S HOUSE HERE. ANSWER=everywhere).
  6. Baking soda. The stuff is magical, like. It works to deodorize your fridge, in your tub with lemon juice to clean it proper and green-like and WORKS TO GET PATCHULI OIL OUT OF YOUR CARPET. Oh, and also helps get rid of itchy skin when you get poison ivy and your husband doesn’t, even though he was the one taking a bath in it and you steered clear by seventy yards at all times. Seventy. I measured.
  7. Vinegar. I buy it by the gallon. Cleans windows and counter surfaces well, without the chemicals on your kitchen counters. For bad stains I take baking soda and a little vinegar and rub it in and TADA! GONE! If that doesn’t work, sorry, I go straight for the soft scrub.
  8. Wear gloves. Your nails and skin will thank you.
  9. Don’t try to do it all in one day. You’ll burn out and then you won’t want to do anything for a week. Then you will want to do it all in one day and then you’ll burn out…see the pattern here?
  10. Make your kids do easy stuff. Sometimes they like it. Sometimes they’ll do stuff to earn Wii time or computer time or they’ll do it because I’m poking them with the iron from the fireplace because it is glowing red and near their buttocks (kidding about that last part, honest. Don’t call CPS.). Some kids are weird (like mine) and like to vacuum and dust and wipe windows because IT’S FUN! Seriously, the kid has his own mini vacuum.

There you have it. Ten tips off the top of my head. And, dearest reader. Readers. Reader. If you wanna know my amazing and awesome tips on anything Domestically challenging, just let DG know and she’ll enlighten you further. I apologize in advance for that.

6 thoughts on “Where I Actually Attempt to Live Up to My Name

  1. You’re so freakin’ funny. Don’t cross anything off. Ha! And I don’t know, but you sound like a domestic goddess to me. Toothbrushes for scrubbing stuff? I’m at the ‘I’m lucky if I wiped off the counters’ stage of cleaning.

  2. Trace says:

    I like baby wipes (don’t think I’m a freak because there is no baby), but they are so cheap and great to grab to quickly neaten up our bathroom (or swish and wipe if FL world).

  3. I do love the toothbrush trick. I especially love Arm and Hammer though. That stuff is amazing!

  4. nutmeg says:

    OHH, I’m so filching this idea.

  5. Jacki says:

    I love lists….I live by them. I also try to clean everything in one day, and you are right…I burn out! I am thinking of doing one thing a day.

  6. Angela says:

    Shout! is great at getting tough stains out of carpets. However we must keep it separate from the Tilex that has the same color bottle because helpful hubby grabbed that instead of the Shout! one day and it bleached my carpet in one spot. I also love Clorox wipes and the kitchen spray… and lavender-scented Fabuloso!

    You would think I am more domesticated than I let on, but I need to print out your list and use it as well…

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