Whatever You Do, Do NOT Give DG a DONUT!


May 23, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

Alas, my friends, this is not information that the teachers had at the appreciation brunch at Bug Boy’s school this morning.

Today was the annual Volunteer Appreciation brunch. The teachers set it up as a way to say, “THANKS!” to the parents who volunteer and help out at school. The parents run a pretty freaking awesome Home and School Association that runs everything from fund raisers to picnics to parent information nights and so on.  And being a card-carrying member of the Too Stoopid to Say No Club, I attended.

They had everything from bagels to fruits to pastries and donuts.  Not just any donuts. The ones I grew up with. The ones that my parents bought nearly every Sunday after church and CCD.  The ones that are like crack for your eyes. Oh yes. I’m talking about this:

Do you see it there on the lower right?  There it is in all of it’s perfection, the Vanilla Kreme Donut.  There ain’t nothing like it. I mean, if sugar were crack, this would be the mother load.  And sugar IS crack, what do you know!  At least for me.  I don’t buy it when folks say that they don’t think sugar and high-fructose corn syrup cause hyperactivity. Apparently, these people have never met MY FAMILY.

I mean, why bother eating it?  We could just inject the sweet goodness into our veins. Might as well, because it’s going straight to my bloodstream, right?  But then you’d miss the best part about that donut, in all of it’s powdered-with-even-more-sugar glory.  Biting into it, carefully, while the cream OOZES OUT INTO YOUR MOUTH.  And slides down your throat, instantly making you gasp for water. And the cream oozes out of the side of the donut, while the powdered sugar sticks to your hands and somehow ends up on your jeans, even though you’ve been really careful and put a napkin under you and you have NO IDEA how it got there.

Why does that donut have to be so good?

I’ve had others. I’ve had homemade ones, KK donuts (OMG a HOT FRESH Donut is super-duper delightful and decadent and DEADLY.  ALLITERATION! GO ME!).  They’re awesome.  But there’s something about that Vanilla Kreme donut that I just cannot resist.  I fully intended to go to this function this morning, chat with the teachers about Bug Boy’s placement and what I thought would be a good fit (and PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE don’t put him in the same class as Little Miss, ’cause they are like sister and brother and they’d get sick of one another) and then have some healthy fruit salad and a hot tea and maybe munch on half a bagel with some light cream cheese. Because I’m all healthy like that.


I heard it.  They were whispering, “DG!  DG!  C’mon up here and scoop us up.  You know you want to.  It’ll make you feel good…good…good…”  I just could resist. I waited until the teachers went to meet their classes, grabbed a donut when no one was looking and bolted for my car.  There I devoured that donut in about two seconds flat.  Completely without guilt.  I enjoyed every drop of that oozy, sticky, yummy, unhealthy, nutritionally deficient food.

And then two minutes into the five minute car ride home?  I felt like someone had just given me an upper. My heart was racing, my limbs were trembling and I felt slightly nauseated. Which is why I eat one of these things about once a year, and usually only a half, and usually only after I’ve eaten some protein. Otherwise I’d end up downtown in some rat-infested and abandoned building, selling my worldly possessions to buy donuts, because they are like drugs to me.  Yummy, sticky, oozy drugs.  MINE, ALL MINE!!!!

3 thoughts on “Whatever You Do, Do NOT Give DG a DONUT!

  1. mommypie says:

    The first step is admitting you have a problem, DG. Good for you.

    And btw, you TOTALLY were the first to diagnose my heart attack as gallbladder related — when my friend called and said SHE thought it was the gallbladder, I was all, “hey, DG said the same thing. That’s TWO votes for gallbladder … that must be it!”

    VERY helpful — I’m goin’ to the dr. Next week. 🙂

  2. Jacki says:

    Now I want a Dunkin Donut. And there are none within a 30-mile radius from our house. And I am recovering from a bad bout of the stomach flu (it was coming out at both ends….yuck).

  3. Anjali says:

    Oh, me too. Except I want those chocolate on the outside, bavarian creme on the inside ones.

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