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Here’s the Thing (or, DG Gets Sulky and Negative and Cranky on Her Bad Self)

12

May 21, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

I really am a selfish, negative biatch when I wanna be. I mean it, I can be. If I really wanna and I really work hard at it and I really try, I can be mean and selfish. Yes, Aunt Flo is visiting soon. How did you know?

The truth is that I just don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not talking about ending my life or anyone else’s, don’t freak out. I just don’t wanna do this stay-at-home-mom-of-kids-with-special-needs-thing. I’m sick of it. SICK. OF. IT. I think I have a right to be sick of it. I’m tired of persevering. I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of advocating. I’m tired. Just plain tired. I want the normal kids. Everyone does. Even me! I prayed on my knees for these boys and I got ’em. But I’m selfish. I don’t want ’em. I mean, I WANT them. Just not they way they are.

Do I have the right to say that? I don’t know. Do I want my kids to read this someday? Probably not. I don’t want them to think I don’t love them. I do love them! I want to love them unconditionally. It’s just so freaking hard. And I’m so freaking tired. And it’s really hard to go into one of their schools (Bug Boy’s) and volunteer and put on that happy face and smile and love on the kids when you’ve had a lump in the back of your throat all day, waiting for the perfect moment to let it all out so you feel better. I’ve been waiting all day for that cathartic release.

The time is now.

See, I saw kids at Bug Boy’s school. Kids who function higher than Bug Boy and Bugaboo. Kids who function lower than Bugaboo. Kids who are attending their neighborhood school with their same-age peers. Kids with serious issues. Down’s Syndrome, Autism, CP, you name it. They are there. So why can’t Bugaboo? Why the heck am I praying he gets accepted to these fancy-schmancy private schools? Why the heck can’t they accommodate him like they are supposed to, and am I selfish for even asking?

I don’t WANT him to go to school on the short bus. I don’t want him to be the kid they make fun of. I don’t want him picked on. I just want everyone to realize how awesome he is and how much he has to offer this world. I am so tired of people looking at my kids and pointing out all of their limitations and problems. I know I do it, too. I know I compare them to “normal” kids. And I don’t even know what normal is anymore. I don’t think there really is any such thing as normal. As Bug Boy puts it, everyone has a little autism, right?

So what the heck is wrong with me? Why can I look at Bugaboo and see nothing but pure joy and love most days and today I am sobbing and mourning and wishing I could see what he’d be like if he were normal? Is THAT normal? Is it fair to him that I sometimes feel that way? I guess I’m only human.

Look. I believe that there is a purpose to all of this. Someone bigger than me decided this and I’m just living the life. I’m just doing what I am supposed to do. I’m not trying to question it. I’m just trying to DO it. But sometimes DOING it is just so freaking hard. For him and for me.

What’s my point? I dunno. Just rambling I guess. I know I’ll probably read this tomorrow and delete it. But right now I feel so vulnerable. I am in so much pain. I can’t stand to be with one of my best friends right now because I’m around her kids and I’m smiling and playing with them and then…then it hits me that I was trying to do this very thing with my own kid and he wouldn’t do it and now I have to ship him off to other people all day, every day, because they are better at it than I am. I know it isn’t my fault. It just doesn’t make me feel any better. I want my kid. I WANT MY KID. I want to know him. I want to know what he thinks. Just once, ONCE, I’d like him to look at me with a glimmer of recognition. I’d like him to look AT me and not THROUGH me and understand me. I’d like him to whisper that he loves me. I’d like him to throw a fit at Tarzhay because he WANTS A CAR RIGHT NOW instead of sitting in the cart, holding his m&ms, waiting until I give him the go ahead to eat them. I want him to come down fifty times at night and tell me he can’t sleep or he had a bad dream or he wants a drink or his shade is crooked or he can’t find his favorite ________ or he wants to stay up. I want him to lie to me and tell me IT WASN’T HIM, IT WAS HIS BROTHER when I find the mess in the kitchen. I want him to race home to get the mail and tear open the junk mail and collect the fake credit cards.

Aw, heck.

12 thoughts on “Here’s the Thing (or, DG Gets Sulky and Negative and Cranky on Her Bad Self)

  1. RuthWells says:

    Oh honey. Can you take a break, if even for only a few hours, and get out of the house?

  2. HG says:

    Check your email please.

    You have every right to rant and scream and sob and wish and rant some more. What you are doing is amazing and exhausting. When you give and give, even when it is 100% willingly and lovingly, you will run out of it at times. And you will break at times.

    And then you will catch your breath and start again.

  3. TaraLyn says:

    Hugs, sweetie. I’m with HG…totally and completely.

  4. This is both heartbreaking and beautiful. And I don’t mean in the ‘I feel sorry for you’ way, b/c I don’t. It’s just so open. I wish for you that you could have him look at you and not through you. I have no experience, just what I’ve read, and I’ve always thought that must be incredibly difficult. And seem horribly unfair. You get a baby, but then you don’t get him in that way. That alone is grounds for screaming and crying.

    For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think what you’ve said here is any different than what all moms say sometimes. It IS hard, and you’ve got it harder than some of the rest of us. Don’t beat yourself up for wishing good things for your boys. Of course you want them not to be teased, to excel. How could you not? Why would you not?

    But don’t think that it’s unfair of you or that you’re not normal. One of the things I love about your posts (in addition to their being well written and always funny) is that they’re so real and honest, and I can see so much love in them. The way that you write about your kids makes me wish I knew them and definitely makes me think they’re lucky to have you as their mother.

  5. Angela says:

    Even the most perfect moms have those days…those weeks. I know what you’re talking about. I pitch those fits too. It’s heartbreaking…and then they do something cute or fall asleep and it’s heartwarming. ((HUGS)) You’re doing a good job mama..keep it up. And vent as much as you need to, sometimes this is the only outlet.

  6. Anjali says:

    First, Big Hugs. I wish I could be there to give you one in person.

    Second, please don’t delete this post, because you will then probably have no idea how many people this post helped. And I’m not just talking about parents of kids with special needs. All of us parents.

    You are human, let yourself be human, rants and all.

  7. Maybe the purpose of all of this is to let others know they should appreciate the good things in their lives if they are not going through the stresses you do. More people should read your blog.

    And for those who are experiencing similar stress, you let them know they are not alone and it’s OK to vent.

    Being able to share your frustrations with the world is a gift.

  8. Dee says:

    I just want you to know that I’m rooting for you! I agree with Angela that we need to vent, sometimes through that process we can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Take care!
    Dee

  9. Joe says:

    Hang in there — you’re not alone. You’re not abnormal. Sometimes, we all think the EXACT same thing you’re thinking right now. It doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a human being. You’re allowed to be tired, you’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed to be angry and resentful. In the meantime, you’re still doing all of the things you need to do for your kids. Try to take some time for yourself and hang in there.

  10. Jacki says:

    All of us moms, even those of us with “normal” children have days where we need to rant and rave. It’s all part of having children. They can be so annoying, but you love them to death at the same time.

    And don’t feel bad about sending your kids to school….those teachers are being paid. And you need the break.

  11. Big, big hug.

    Everything you are feeling is OK and real. You’ve done the right thing by talking about it with us. We are here for you in whatever way you need.

    I don’t think I have your correct e-mail as I tried to e-mail you recently. Please send me one at adorablegirlfriend at yahoo dot com.

    You are a beautiful soul. Just know that.

  12. Jessee says:

    Let me just preface this by saying that I have no idea what it must be like to have challenge of special needs children in ADDITION to everything else stressful about mommyhood. BUT, I do think what you’re feeling is normal. And what better place to vent than into the internet void? I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your blog and hope you get some down time to yourself.

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