May 19, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
You asked for it (ok, so you didn’t. But I’m bringing it to you anyways. So there. PBLTTT!!!!) and I hate to disappoint my loyal subjects readers. Sometimes it is tough to be queen. Here’s a snippet of my life from eight until about eight-thirty in the morning:
See, we live ON THE CORNER, albeit the opposite corner, where the bus picks the children up. Because they have to walk TWO HOUSES DOWN to get to the bus stop, the neighbor kids make sure they knock on my door at least fifteen minutes before the bus arrives. You know, because we have such a long walk and all. Sometimes I send them back to their dad (who I am sure does not realize they left) and sometimes I let them in the foyer. But only the foyer. I’m mean like that. Then, at about three minutes until bus arrival (if it is a cold day I wait until one minute left) I walk all five of them, the dog and myself to the bus stop. Where I wait with them while the freaking idiots speed by while neighbor leave for work:
Shad is all, “HEY! LET’S GO LET’S GO LET’S GOOOOOO! I WANNA GO FOR MY WALK! AHHHH!” Until I tell her to hush-up and park herself on the sidewalk. This she does with a THUMP and a heavy sigh:
We can see the stop about a block away and usually the bus has picked up at that point. When it is pouring rain and cold OF COURSE THE BUS IS LATE. Then it circles around town, comes down our side-street and picks up our crew:
At this point, I typically try to bestow motherly love on Bug Boy, who shrieks in horror as he attempts to cover his fragile face from my vicious mommy kisses. The other kids stare in horror as I dare to display affection IN PUBLIC IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS. I am pretty sure there is some unwritten kid-code someplace that says mom kisses in public are akin to looking into Medusa’s eyes. Anyways, he doesn’t exactly receive this attempt at affection well. The kids climb onto the bus with Miss Sue as Shadow whines and cries and pulls and circles and yelps and carries on until I turn on my heel and begin a brisk walk, followed by a slooooooow jog (not training for a marathon here.):
She prefers, of course, to take HERSELF for a walk. Since she is half Black Lab she grabs the end of her leash and literally walks herself down the street as I attempt to keep up. After all, she has FOUR BLOCKS to walk and there are some PLANTS and POLES and HYDRANTS to sniff and rabbits to stare at and Squirrels to chase. I mean, this is important business. Let’s go! LET’S GOOOOOO!!!! Now we are jogging at a good pace, she’s nearly pulling me as I mutter,”HEEL!” under my breathe. All of the sudden:
AHA! Now I understand her sense of urgency. Of course, she tries three spots (street included) before she finally crouches and goes. And goes again. And ten feet later she goes again. And then she stands there all, “WHY THE HECK ARE YOU PICKING THAT UP! I JUST SPENT ALL MORNING FINDING THE PERFECT SPOT!” and gives me the hairy eyeball. Because nothing is worse than a lazy dog giving you the hairy eyeball, you know. Then, being all Border-Collie like (because she is half Border Collie and half Black Lab and 99% neurotic, and yes, I am aware that is 199% if you add it all up) she’s gotta take the same walk on the same side of the street at the same time and stop at the same places to go to the bathroom and look for the same squirrel that is ALWAYS going up that elm tree right there and she’s gotta even walk in the same direction on the left side so that she is on the curb and DON’T YOU DARE GO TEN FEET THE OTHER WAY BECAUSE I NEED TO GO THIS WAY RIGHT NOW. Yeah, our walks are like. Try taking Two autistic kids and a neurotic Border Collie Mix (also autistic) for a walk. Wanna have some real fun? Try going A DIFFERENT WAY. Better yet? take the same walk backwards. Fun times, fun times.
So we get back from the walk and I either take the trash out to beat the trash men coming down the street or I bring the cans in if they are earlier than normal and today I happened to spot this in the yard. First one of the season. Couldn’t pass it up:
Golly Ned, isn’t that purty? And I have TWO WHOLE TRELLISESESES is my yard, so I am gonna get to smell those purty flowers for the next few weeks. If Bugaboo doesn’t stim on the petals and kill ’em first. Oh, and then there was THIS beauty:
See what I have to look at today? Except now it isn’t eight-thirty, it’s nine-forty-five and I’m late for running my errands.