May 1, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
Ahhhh! Spring!!!! It’s the first of May, and you know what that means! The danger of frost is nearly over, Mother’s Day is just around the corner and there are only six weeks of school until Summer vacation!
Uh. Erm. Six weeks? That’s it? Yikes.
Only Nine weeks until ESY! WOOHOO!
Anyways, I’ve decided that in the spirit of spring (and a gorgeous spring day at that!) it was time for another little pop quiz, DG style. If you answer all questions correctly, you win a prize! A FABULOUS AWARD! And your award is…drum roll please… me! I continue to bring you my insights and wisdom (AHEM! AHEM!) each and every day. Isn’t that special? Without further ado:
1. Your Choice of Morning Beverage:
a) A large cup of Joe for me, thanks.
b) Tea, because I’m all refined and stuff, like the British
c) I prefer to drink water, filtered. None of that toxic, chemical-laden caffeinated stuff for me, since I’m all healthy and all that.
d) Since I don’t open my eyes until it is technically pm, I decline to answer this question
2. After dinner drink:
a) An expensive wine. I savor every drop like the dignified, cultured individual that I am (stop laughing)
b) Arbor Mist aka S.l.u.t. Juice. Makes evening cozy (hint, hint)
c) I don’t drink, you tramp. Alcohol is the DEVIL!
d) Hard liquor or mixed drinks, the drinks of choice for REAL WOMEN.
3. When it comes to toothpaste:
a) I squeeze it from the middle of the tube and cruse when I run out, using my tooth brush or some other available implement to push the remaining paste to the top
b) I roll it neatly and evenly from the bottom and get every last drop out of it because OCD IS FUN!
c) I take my teeth out and put them in the glass on my night stand. TADA!
d) You’re supposed to brush them? Who knew?
4. You’ve got bad breath. You reach into your purse/bag/murse for:
a) cheap gum. I chew like a cow and even blow little bubbles and crack them to annoy everyone around me.
b) Something minty. Chewing gum helps me relax.
c) Altoids. Gum is the Devil. It’s bad for you and ruins your teeth, plus, DG hates the smell.
d) I never have bad breath! I just don’t understand why no one will come close to me and they cover their noses and turn away whenever I’m around. More garlic, anyone?
5. The Internets:
a) My only link to the outside world.
b) Useful for finding information, but I’m aware that you can’t believe everything you read there.
c) The Internets are the Devil. Baaaaad, Internets. BAD! EVIL! I ABHOR THEE!
d) I do all my shopping, read all my news, plan my vacations, send e-mails only (snail mail is so last year) and only contact people via the Internet, because I’ve forgotten how to get out of this chair and I don’t remember how to answer the land line, since I haven’t used it in four years.
6. If I could pick anywhere for vacation:
a) Someplace warm and tropical. I love the beach, mangoes and cabana boys named Joe. Even if he likes a guy named Mike.
b) Rugged mountains, hiking, chilly nights around the campfire. I don’t mind ticks. Lyme disease never hurt anyone. Much.
c)A tour of Europe, someplace historical or some neat museums. I love to travel and I am so WORLDLY AND FREAKING PERFECT AND NEVER GET SICK ON PLANES like SOME people do.
d) I never leave my house. Except that one time that Oprah came to visit and I was all, “I can’t go outside!” And she was all, “Just step across the threshold! You can DO IT!” And everyone clapped, and then the sun blinded me and I caught a disease and sued her. The end.
a) You look like a forty-year-old coke whore. You used to be so cute and perky. Go back to your natural red, stop with the fake-and-bake tan because you look like ORANGINA. Also? Wear panties. Thanks.
b) Her parents have ruined her. It’s all the parents’ fault. With parents like hers, is it any wonder she is so f*cked up?
c) She’s a Disney Child Star. Are you surprised?
d) Just another celebrity train wreck I don’t pay any attention to.
8. American Idol
a) I watch each and every episode! Those crazy kids are so talented!
b) This is a sad commentary on the music industry and America’s fascination with reality television.
c) American Idol is the Devll. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, make it stop.
d) I pretend I hate it, but I sneak online to watch recaps because I have a secret crush on the underdog every season (AHEM! Sanjaya. AHEM! Jason.)
a) Absolutely no green thumb here. I plant fake flowers because I cannot kill them.
b) I am the envy of the whole freaking neighborhood. Get it? Green with envy? HAHAHAHAHA!
c) I dabble, it looks decent, but I’d love to learn more because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.
d) I pay someone else to do it. I pay people to do everything.
10. These go to Eleven:
a) Why do you keep saying that? I doona think it means what you think it means.
b) Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten the top number and make that louder?
c) That movie is the Devil. You have to stop watching that evil, vile filth.
d) I know every line, every part and own both the original 1984 version and the anniversary version.