You’d Think I’d Learn to Keep My Big Mouth Shut


February 20, 2008 by Marj Hatzell

The way I see it, I am waaaaaaaay overdue for a break. Like, okay G-d! I get it! I’m learning patience! I’m patient now! Lesson learned, REALLY! I get it now!

See, the steamer isn’t the only good thing in my life. There’s this rug cleaner that also does wonders. It dissolves yucky things very quickly and makes it much easier for the steamer to do its job. After cleaning up as much solid stuff as possible I spray on the rug cleaner, scrub, rinse, repeat, etc. Then I get the steamer when there are no more visible stains. Then I steam it a few thousand times. I am sure it takes a few hours or so to do this. You know, because I really have nothing better to do with my time.

After proclaiming the wonders of said steamer, Bugaboo decided to disappear down to the basement today. After his therapist left I just could NOT keep my eyes open. I cuddled with him on the couch, he pulled the blanket up and I put his favorite DVD on. I must have dozed off. Not five minutes later I noticed he wasn’t sitting with me anymore…and heard a noise in the basement. Oh please, oh please, oh please no, oh….OH! OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I must have screamed so loud they heard it on the space station, because Bugaboo immediately erupted into sobs. He had poo down his legs, all over the carpet, all over the trampoline, on our BRAND NEW SWING and on his springy horse. I nearly threw up, not from the sight of the poo but from the fact that I was so stressed out about it. I mean, the carpet is cream-colored, folks. And shag. Not easy to clean.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Have I mentioned lately how sick of this I am? I mean, potty training could NOT COME FAST ENOUGH. And, I know I am losing readers by the minute (all six of them) since ALL I TALK ABOUT IS POO. Well, and water in my back yard. And my dog.

I am now on a mission. I want any and all carpet OUT OF MY HOUSE. I want it all replaced with flooring that is easier to clean. The boys’ rooms will get small area rugs that can be tossed into the washer. The furniture? I want it gone. If it is upholstered, it is pure evil. I cannot take another second of this child’s crap on my house.  And I really, really, really need to find a babysitter. A dependable, college-age or older babysitter, so that my husband and I can go on a date once in a while. The truth is, we have relied on family all this time  (seven years) because we are scared to leave him (them) with anyone else, not because we are control freaks but because our family knows him very well and can handle him and they are basically the only ones I trust with him, because they totally get it and aren’t afraid of him.  Does that make sense?  No?  Perhaps I need to unclench my teeth and say it again.  WE NEED A FREAKING DEPENDABLE BABYSITTER TO WATCH OUR AUTISTIC SON SO WE CAN GO TO THE HOME IMPROVEMENT STORE OR OUT FOR A SLICE OF PIZZA WITHOUT VISIONS OF HIM CODING IN THE ER FROM MASSIVE HEAD TRAUMA.

Sorry if I scare you away. This is my reality. This is my normal. This is what happens to me on a daily basis, and although I can handle it well most days, I just don’t have the energy to deal with it right now. All I want to do is sleep for a few days and forget about it. Except that I keep having weird dreams that I have to go to the bathroom in public, so I find a restroom that looks closed in, only to sit down and go and suddenly there is no stall and I am, like, out in the open and peeing and I can’t go (performance anxiety) and people are all, “WTF?” and milling about their business and I’m sitting on a toilet.

Yeah. Anyone care to explain that one? Where’s Joseph when you need him?

6 thoughts on “You’d Think I’d Learn to Keep My Big Mouth Shut

  1. Paula says:

    I’ve been lurking for a couple of months now, and it’s disgraceful that I haven’t commented sooner.

    You are my hero. Absolutely. I’m somewhat at a loss for words, because I fear it will all come out in a dorky stalker crush kind of way. The love you have for your boys is almost palpable, as is your drive and determination to give them the best life they can possibly have.

    I admire your strength, and your tenacity. Your writing is absolutely compelling, without a shred of self-pity and surprisingly, very little complaint.

    So yeah, I’ll read about the poo. And the water. And the dog. Please keep writing. You inspire me. And your trials make me feel very small for complaining about the usual stuff that goes on with my kids (ages 17, 14, and 7). Maybe someday soon I’ll write too, but it just won’t be as riveting.

  2. Andie says:

    Oh…. ((HUGS))…

  3. Maddy says:

    It is exhausting. Baby sitters? Don’t get me started! If it’s any consolation, potty training ain’t so wonderful because then you’re out somewhere and have to have radar to locate all toilets within running distance at all times…….or not as the case may be, then there’s not diaper to catch the ……accident… that cheers you up no end!

  4. Cryssyer says:

    I wish I had known! I was off with Dino being sick with the flu. I would have totally empathized with you. By the way, I sooooo will watch Bugaboo anytime, family or not. You need it and I will be Dino free every other weekend soon. Since I doubt I will be out partying my behind off, the least I can do is come and sit with Bugaboo. Or, he can come to my new house. You know it won’t be much, so I won’t care if poo is all over 🙂

    Just a thought, don’t monkeys throw poo? Maybe we can call Bugaboo by a new name – Monkeyboo? Bugamonkey?

    I’ll be up this weekend. After I settle my budget with Darling’s help, you and he should plan on going out for a bit. Deal?

  5. Rachel says:

    Oh, MAN – again?!! ARGH!
    I’m glad you have the steam cleaner and all, but MAN!!!
    Blech, blech, double blech.

  6. Angela says:

    Oh dear you need a break
    Poo is no fun

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