January 3, 2008 by Marj Hatzell
How to lose ten pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day:
- Get a stomach virus (which you think might be food poisoning from spinach).
- Make sure your son gets the same stomach virus (you still think it was the spinach. A week later).
- Get all stressed out and get S.A.D. Cut out as much caffeine as possible and switch the sugar in your tea to natural honey. Start eating tons of soups and salads and veggies, skipping potatoes for the first time in your life because you cannot stomach them while taking an antidepressant (sad but true).
- Continue running errands, going to doctor’s appointments and walking the dog.
- Run yourself ragged planning two holiday parties on the SAME DAY in two different classes.
- Make sure one of the sons is sick with the flu and a temp that same day so you have to go back and forth from the parties to the house at least four times.
- Keep one of your children awake on Christmas Eve from 11pm until 6 am Christmas morning. Take a one-hour nap and insist on still visiting with relatives, cooking breakfast and going to your brother’s house for dinner. Drink heavily on two hours of sleep and don’t eat much. Do this while consuming an antidepressant.
- Go to New Jersey to visit the in-laws the next day. Chase Bugaboo on the boardwalk when he refuses to go into the pizza place with everyone else and make sure you run at least one mile at mach speed to catch him before he leaps off the pier at high tide.
- Get another stomach virus (which comes right after you eat spinach again) and insist it is food poisoning.
- Plan on cooking on New Year’s Eve for ten people. Then plan on having twelve on New Year’s Day.
- Make sure at least half of the participants come down with a cold or flu after you’ve run around food shopping and scrubbing the house from top to bottom and cancel at least one of the dinners.
- Stay up until Midnight to welcome the New Year, go to bed and be sure to have your older son wake you vomiting all over the bed about an hour later. Have your nephew wake an hour later with a high temperature and search for Motrin and a thermometer. Doze off just as your son wakes vomiting again. Clean that up and wake your nephew so he screams for two hours. Doze off again as your son begins the dry heaves. Stare at the ceiling once everyone is back in bed until the sun comes up an hour later.
- Make a huge pot of coffee, drink two cups of tea and then finish the coffee the other adults do not finish.
- Spend the rest of the day in a coma on the couch and then have trouble falling asleep that night due to caffeine overload (even with no nap)
- Expect to send your child to school the next day, only to find he is going to miss his first day back due to severe stomach issues. Drag him to your other son’s Speech, OT and Psych sessions. Run errands afterwards with both cranky and hungry children, arriving home at 2pm (after leaving at 8am). Crash into a heap on the couch.
- Remember that you forgot to pick up VITALLY IMPORTANT prescriptions and run to Tarzhay to get them, picking up a scale on clearance while you are there.
- Weigh yourself for the first time in over three months and VOILA! This is why your jeans keep falling off your rear and have now become ass-jeans!
It’s rather simple, really. I don’t know why people think it is so difficult.