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You Haven’t Lived Until…

5

December 4, 2007 by Marj Hatzell

You’ve given your screaming, autistic, hyperactive almost-five-year-old and En-Em-UH and a Supp. No, REALLY! It’s all the rage!

The past two weeks have been a living H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks for Bugaboo. He went from daily movements (sorry if it is TMI but poo is the new pink around here) to maybe twice a week. If we were lucky. His eating slowed, his belly slowly became distended again (his six-pack disappeared) and he started squealing. He was a cranky-pants.

We started belly massage, warm baths, warm compresses, extra fiber, extra lax (he is on a prescription) and ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING. The GI kept giving us suggestions and warning signs to look out for. It is entirely possible that he just wasn’t eating enough to go. It was also possible he was impacted. If he began to vomit or writhe in pain we were instructed to take him to the ER immediately. Except he kept on behaving like typical Bugaboo. You know, never stop moving? Chinchilla crossed with Energizer Bunny crossed with Speedy Gonzalez? Yup, typical Bugaboo.

Yesterday Bugaboo went to school on DAY FIVE of the poo strike. We weren’t sure at this point if he was physically unable to go or if he was withholding. He was pleasant enough to go to school, did not seem as if he was in pain and really did not show any signs of discomfort. The teacher reported he had an excellent day, except for a teensy meltdown over circle time (Bugaboo has just begun having meltdowns in the past two weeks. This is normally something a two-to-three-year-old experiences. He’s just taking his time.). But when he arrived home? Clenched teeth, every little thing bothered him and I could not even call his name without foot stomping. A call to the doc later and we were on our way to the pharmacy to pick up a pediatric EN-EM-UH. Sounds like fun, no? I mean, if giving him ear drops or taking his temperature is akin to putting a cat in bathwater, can you imagine what it must be like to give this child a supp? Yup, it’s even MORE fun! Darling typically holds his upper half while I attempt to put it in, stealth-like. Except he always knows something is up.

Darling wasn’t due for a few more hours and Bugaboo was in discomfort so I decided to attempt it myself (yes, I am certifiable, why do you ask?). I ran warm bath water, lured him to the bathroom and promised him a splash session. He literally allowed me to do it. YES, I SAID HE ALLOWED ME TO DO IT. No problems. No crying. A little whine, that’s it. Then I coaxed him to the toilet (not his favorite place to have a B.M.) and he sat. And went. And went more. And went MORE. And then he took a bath, put a pull-up back on and got dressed. And went again. And again.

Then he came downstairs, devoured an entire wheat-free pizza (two servings, he ate the whole thing) and was happy and smiling for the remainder of the evening. It is amazing what a little poo can do.

Now I know what the rest of the world needs! AN EN-EM-UH Think about it! World leaders and politcians? EN-EM-UH! Terrorists? EN-EM-UH! Bruce Springsteen? EN-EM-UH(He always sounds constipated to me)! Britney and Lindsey? EN-EM-UH! Amy Winehouse? Well, an en-em-uh might kill her, beings she ain’t got any skin left on her bag of bones. But fatten her up and give her an enem-uh! Pat Robertson? Please, someone give that man an E-EM-UH! Westboro Baptist? YUP! EN-EM-UHS! I’m telling you, it’ll be all the rage. The world will be a happy place. It will solve global warming and solve the budget. People will live in harmony. Airline prices will come down. Try it, you’ll see!

Disclaimer: No, I did not give myself one. I’m always this high, honest.

5 thoughts on “You Haven’t Lived Until…

  1. Perky says:

    LOL! The only thing I’d change is that I’d recommend that the enema given to the lovely folks at Westboro Baptist contain at least 75% Tabasco!!!!

    Glad it all “came out” okay!!!

  2. Anjali says:

    I, too, think enemas are the solution to world peace!

  3. Rachel says:

    Congratulations to both of you!

  4. Trace says:

    He must have been truly uncomfortable and miserable to be so docile. As my MIL says w/a big grin as she steps out of the bathroom, a good bowel movement makes your whole day. (I’m not making this up.) Glad you (and he) had success!!

  5. Lauren says:

    My grandmother gave me an enema when I was four. I never forgot that.

    He will have some stories in a few years . . . .

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