Just So Y’all Know


November 16, 2007 by Marj Hatzell

Some important proclamations:

  1. When you blow your nose, do not, I repeat, DO NOT stick the corner of the tissue in your eyeball. It hurts.
  2. When you are gonna have the flu the next day, do not go out the night before and drink two glasses of wine, even if it is just slut juice white zinfandel.
  3. If you are counting on resting all day when sick, don’t count on it.  Bugaboo is sure to have a fever and will have to stay home.
  4. Even if Bugaboo has a fever, do not expect him to actually camp out on the couch with you.  He will want to run around the house and rearrange things for you.
  5. Do not expect that you can grab the most-comfy-pillow-in-the-house from Bugaboo’s bed.  He will wrestle it from you and run it back to his room and put it back in place.  If you take it again he will steal it when you are nuking your cup of tea for the fourth time and hide behind the couch with it and then run like a bat out of hades when you walk back in the room and take it back to his room again.  And again. Also? Again.
  6. Even though Bugaboo has footy pjs on he will insist on putting the fuzzy-blanket-pants on over top of the fuzzy blanket footies and then put his fuzzy-blanket slippers on over top of that.
  7. If you think you are going to have enough energy to stand at the sink and unload and reload the dishes, guess again. Yes, shoulda emptied my sink last night.  There’s something to this Flylady thing afterall.
  8. If your husband promises he will be home at lunch time to help you with the deluge of children that will come bursting through your door due to half days and conferences, pretend he did not say it and then act all surprised when (if) he does make it home when he says he will. Then lock yourself in your bedroom and make him deal with the monkeys for the rest of the afternoon. Even if he takes them to get fast food, lets them watch tv all afternoon and sits on the couch with his laptop playing THEIR little kid online games.  Pretend you don’t hear it.
  9. Digital cable is my friend. Here’s two words for you:  On Demand.  Here’s a few more:  Thomas, Teletubbies and Blue’s Clues. Hours and hours of distraction.
  10. If you thought the dog wasn’t gonna miss her walk, think again.  She is so routine-oriented (I swear she is on the spectrum, this dog. It would be fitting!) that she assumes that when the kids knock for Bug Boy to walk all twenty feet to the bus stop on the corner that she will be going with them, per usual. She will also assume she is going on her half-hour walk per usual.  She will also assume that she will go and squat on the curbs of the houses that have the loudest and biggest dogs in the neighborhood in a desperate attempt to mark her territory. Then, when you send the kids to the bus stop alone (but stand on the porch freezing with no undergarments in your flannel pjs but with a blanket wrapped around you) she will dart out the door when Bugaboo comes out to join you and go to the bus stop and sit and wait with the kids, while you run down the steps, across the lawn in your slippers and grab her, while the whole neighborhood watches.  By then Bugaboo will be around the corner and down the street heading for the playground. In his footy pajamas. With pants and slippers on top.

3 thoughts on “Just So Y’all Know

  1. Thank you for those pointers.

    And I hope you feel better soon.

    I thought I was going to be a smarty pants and not let my youngest get “hooked” on television; it worked too well. The other day I needed to nap, and he wouldn’t watch a half-hour of Thomas or Elmo or nothing. I am such an idiot. Television is God’s gift to ill moms.

  2. It’s Murphy’s Dog Law. The fewer clothing articles you have on, the more your dog runs away. If you don’t have shoes on, they run into the wet grass. If you don’t have pants on, they run into the neighbor’s yard. If you’re totally buck nekkid, they light out for Maine.

  3. Nadine says:

    Feel better soon! And I hope you get to have the comfy pillow!

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