My Husband Says The Strangest Things


July 6, 2007 by Marj Hatzell

He means well, honest.  But sometimes the words that come out of his mouth…well, he may as well be speaking a foreign language.  Of course, this is the man that cannot watch British movies or shows because he thinks they are speaking a different language.  They are speaking English. He cannot understand them.

But I digress…

We are nearing the end of week three of Bugaboo’s summer vacation.  Monday is the beginning of the summer session and it cannot come soon enough. The first two weeks were difficult enough and then yesterday the dam broke and all heck was breaking loose around here.  The phone wouldn’t stop ringing, I received several bits of disappointing news (that I won’t elaborate on here, let’s just say it involves family stuff), my husband was running late from work, Bugaboo followed me from room to room destroying everything in sight and Bug Boy returned from his mini-vaycay with my Mother-in-Law tired and miserable.  Let’s just say it wasn’t our best day.  And guess what?  This was the week that I decided I was finally detoxing from caffeine for good!  I was down to one cup of hot tea in the morning and one glass of cold tea during the day.  For the sake of argument (and I am being hypothetical here), we’ll pretend that I was jittery and nervous and on edge from caffeine withdraw.  And then let’s assume that Bugaboo stripped constantly, begged for food and drink every five seconds (I’d give him the blue cup, he wouldn’t drink it because he wanted the GREEN cup) and knocked the laundry piles over before I finished putting them away and then threw cheerios all over the floor and stomped on them and slammed the fireplace doors everytime I wouldn’t stop what I was doing…

Yeah. It was that kind of day.   But we are being hypothetical here:

So let’s suppose then that Darling FINALLY got his butt home at a decent time, I made a decent dinner and while I sat at the table, recounted the events of the day and cried from frustration Darling stated, “I know what will help you relieve a ton of stress right now!”

I don’t know if it was the poison tree frog darts that shot from my eyes and dug into his skull, the smoke coming from my ears or the  shade of red my face turned, but he decided not to continue the question.

(If you don’t know what he was talking about, it starts with S- and ends in -EX )

Yup.  The worst day in recent memory for me and after twelve hours of a four-year-old following me closer than my shadow.  Sorry, babe, but the LAST thing I wanted was physical contact.  From anyone.  You could have offered me a back rub from Brad Pitt while Angelina gave me a pedicure and I would have turned it down.  And since there is a snowball’s chance in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks of that happening, let’s just say for the sake of argument that I turned him down.

7 thoughts on “My Husband Says The Strangest Things

  1. Janice says:

    LOL, Love it! That therapy seems to be the answer to most things huh?? If you run out of those poison tree frog darts I have some in reserve for you! Have a happier week-end!

  2. Perky says:

    Ummm…. if you ever DO get the opportunity to turn Brad and Angie down…… could you send them over here???? A backrub from him and a pedi from her while we talk about our international children would be a pretty good way to spend an afternoon in my book!!!!!

    Sorry you had such a sucky day! I hope tomorrow is better!

    Oh yeah, and WHY do hubbies think that is EVER going to work????

  3. Angela says:

    Husbands can be that way. My son is destroying my room as I write this. Hope today goes better.

  4. Rachel says:

    Yeah, that’s what I want right now, someone else touching me! Please, DHs just don’t get it sometimes!!!!

  5. mcewen says:

    Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I wish I could say that I have no idea about what you are talking about but unfortunately it’s all too familiar [the shadow not the sex!]

  6. Lucy says:

    Darling and I have a lot in common . . . I can’t understand British accents in movies either!

  7. MommyBrain says:

    Oh boy I can relate. In this house, DH’s idea of stress relief is the same as your Darling’s. And it really does lower stress for him. For me, stress relief on a bad day (especially if I’m tired!) is usually a hot bath or reading a good book. LOL on Brad/Angelina relaxation.

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