May 15, 2007 by Marj Hatzell
If you looked up Murphy’s Law in the dictionary yesterday there would be a picture of my yesterday in it. So Yesterday, so yesterday, haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okaaay… *Shudder* Sorry, didn’t mean to channel Hilary Duff. I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
This weekend Darling had the fabulous idea that he is going to sell his jeep. His baby, his reason for living in the garage all weekend. His hobby, the thing that he puts before all else. And no, I am not kidding. The guy has owned six jeeps in his 23-car lifetime and I am not kidding about those numbers, folks. He literally gets the urge to buy or sell a car EVERY TWELVE MONTHS. For those of you not good at math, that’s one a year. When I met him it was eleven cars, and that just added to the insanity, because we have a car a piece, and one of them disappears every other year. The jeep is the only thing we have held onto since Bug Boy was a wee babe. And here is its story:
Once upon a time, there was a Prince who loved cars. He especially loved five-speeds and jeeps. He met a Princess who tolerated liked cars enough to know to put gas in them once in a while and could change the oil and put a tire on. Since the Prince had never met a girl that was willing to hang out in the garage stables and hand him stuff he wanted to sleep with her was totally enamored by her married her. A few years later they purchased a run-down stone Victorian starter castle and had little princes. When the Prince was off at lunch on a crusade with the Princess’ brother one day they came home with an ’84 Jeep CJ-7Laredo 4X4, 6 cyl, automatic, hard top Holy Grail. And there was much rejoicing.
A few years went by and the Prince and Princess and their little princes spent plenty of time in the jeep with the Holy Grail. The took the top off all summer long and threw the car seats in the back and garnered stares and comments from afar (those people are nuts putting their kids in the back of a jeep! What baaaad parents!) As time went on the Prince had more and more princely duties to attend to and had less and less time to go to the garage to screw around on his pilgrimages. The moved to a bigger castle that cost twice as much money and needed a new roof and siding. And windows. And the Jeep Grail has been sitting in the garage Stables and they were paying insurance to drive the thing for four months a year, except it was also nice in the snow. And So the Prince made the decision that he wanted to sell his jeep Holy Grail because he is frugal in order to take care of the Princess and the little Princes.
One Saturday Afternoon in May the Prince washed his jeep Grail with the boys, cleaned it out well, tuned a few things up and put it in front of the garage stables with three sale signs on it. Within two hours he had the first of eight phone calls for the day. See, it is much easier to sell a jeep Grail on a 72-degree day in May than it is in October, boys and girls. The next Day the Prince had several more phone calls, mostly from teenage boys to whom the Prince would never sell his beloved jeep Holy Grail . The next day the Princess fielded many calls and had to show the jeep Grail to two men, both of whom were named Mike. They also both lived in the neighborhood. They also both really, really, really want the jeep Grail. So they both keep bidding higher and higher. The Prince and Princess are a little taken back by the competing bids and kinda wish they had two jeeps Grails to sell. Well, the Princess doesn’t.
So now the Prince and Princess have two potential offers. One Mike wants to give us cash today. Right now, in fact. Like, he lives two blocks away. He likes the jeep Grail and has a little boy who likes jeeps Grails. The other Mike is buying it for his Dad to take to the beach (OH NOES!!! JEEPS AT THE SHORE BAAAAAD!! RUINS JEEPS!!!) and is a total jeep Grail enthusiast. He has several jeeps Grails and gets his geek on with the Prince when they talk about the mudding, 4X4 ing and engine stuff. This Mike looked like he wanted to marry the Princess when she started talking about the engine. But the Princess wears a bra chastity belt while the Prince is working at Big Pharma storming castles and is totally and utterly devoted to the Prince, so he is S.O.L. Plus he smelled like Carburetor fluid. Go figure.
In two days the Prince and Princess should be living happily ever after and will also be signing off on the home equity loan to turn their country-blue/faded grey home with faded maroon shutters and red roof with leaky windows to a Desert Sand duPont Elite Siding and Black 002 shuttered Home with Natural Timber Tamco roof and Pella Double-Hung-Double-paned windows. And there will be much rejoicing. Especially when the Beverly Hillbillies deck is torn down and rebuilt and the Princess has two new windows on either side of the fireplace so that she can look out across her backyard kingdom to watch her Princes play.
And where does the Siren fit in? Well, just imagine a high-pitched wail-like siren continuously through the last two paragraphs of the story…eight hours for those of you not so good at math. I’ll give you a hint as to the siren’s identity. It starts with B and ends in -ugaboo. And tonight, if all goes well, I will be having a glass of something that starts with S and ends in -angria.
Update: In the twenty minutes since I posted this we’ve had new developments. Last night, Mike #2 had the deal sealed but then Mike #1 called back and bid more than #2, so the Prince called Mike #2, who is now totally pissed off that Mike #1 was still in the picture and told the Prince as much. The Princess isn’t getting involved and is not answering the phone. Mike #1 is buying it tonight.