May 8, 2007 by Marj Hatzell
I don’t know how you are at reading tea leaves, but this morning my tea ball broke open and the contents spilled into the cup, creating a gosh-awful mess. Then the leaves all sank to the bottom and made this murky sludge. Is this some kind of omen or bad luck? Oh, and they kinda taste like toilet water.
Sincerely, Tealess in Teattle
Do not leave the house. Ever. The tea leaves are a metaphor for your life. If they sink to the bottom it means that the second you walk out the door you will have a two-ton piano or a safe dropped on your head. Think Looney Toons. Why are you drinking out of the toilet? You need to stop doing that. Seriously.
My husband drives me nuts when it comes to decision-making. He acts all high-and-mighty, like he is in charge. Then he asks my opinion and does the exact opposite. Or he researches things for two years and by the time he figures out what he wants to do, all of the prices/styles/options have changed. What should I do?
Signed, Peeved Princess
Making your husband think he is in charge while staying in charge yourself is a fine art form. You are in charge. Part of the reason he thinks he is in charge is because you are flighty and ill-informed. Don’t let him tell you what is best, do your own research and then present it to him. He will begin thinking you are really smart and then you will end up in the sack. Guys dig smart chicks.
My family is always telling me what they think is best for my kids. Especially my in-laws. They question everything I do and make comments and suggestions so often I want to vomit. I feel like they don’t trust me with my own kids because they would have done it a different way. How can I get them to change?
Sincerely, Magnificent Mom
First of all, no one is as magnificent as I am. You need to get over that. Secondly, your family does not trust you with your own kids because they would do things differently. I suggest literally allowing them to juggle knives and swing from the curtains. Once CYS shows up they will back down for a few years. Then you will really know what it is like to vomit. In front of strangers. We might even see it on a future episode of COPS. Oh, and the “how to change my family” thing? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, that was funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Too cute! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I lost ten pounds this month without trying. I’ve only been eating salad and chicken and I exercise six days a week. Then, last night, I ate a cookie and I gained a WHOLE OUNCE! I am so depressed I do not know what to do. Can you help me?
Signed, Anna Rexic
You do not know how good you have it. There are people that work twice as hard as you and gain weight just looking at cookies. Shut up. YOU GO NOW!!!!