Out of the Mouths of Bug Boys


April 16, 2007 by Marj Hatzell

We had somewhat of a busy weekend. We did not really HAVE to do much but we decided that the only way to preserve our collective sanity was to keep the kids moving. After Soccer practice we headed home, did a quick House Blessing and picked up every room. We knew that Sunday meant massive rain so we did as much outside as we could to get ready for the deluge. If Lake Erie is going to grace us with its presence in our backyard we needed to pick up toys and doggie piles (because that is really naaaasty after the rain, I kid you not. Soupy Poopy, nothing like it!). I was exhausted after a few hours because of the continuing back pain so Darling took the boys out for a short time while I napped. Once I woke up I decided that the very thought of getting my pots and pans dirty was enough to send me into a coma and pulled my best puppy-dog-eyed routine and scored a dinner to Panera! w00t! So off we went.

Bug Boy was not a happy camper. He likes Panera but wanted desperately to zone out on Star Wars Lego (his current OCD/stim/PDD fix). He complained the entire five minute drive to Mommy’s favorite cheapo dinner place that he, “Did not think Panera was very healthy and might make you fat!” Once we got there the tune was changed. Suddenly a grilled cheese kids meal was the best thing for a growing boy to eat since it has plenty of coliseum to help his broken arm (never mind that the arm has been healed for eleven months now). In fact, getting a drink from the fountain was the most fun he had, “all day, no, ALL WEEK!” The boys were nearly 3/4 of the way though their food before we even sat. I barely had one bite of my soup (surprise, POTATO!) before Bug Boy looked up from his sandwich, sighed, glanced around with a huge grin on his face and stated quite matter-of-factly that Panera was, “Quite a fancy place! This place is soooo pretty, mom! It’s sooooo elegant!” Yup. That whopping $15 dinner for four. That is one classy place!

Since we were not quite finished punishing ourselves taking our children out to a public place (remember, any public outing with Bugaboo comes with ear-piercing shrieks, items we did not intend to buy that he smuggled out of the store and his random disappearing acts) we headed to the mall. On a Saturday Night. Forgetting that it was teeny-bopper social time and prom season…

It was worth it since I finally found a pair of black, heeled, low-cut boots to wear with jeans. But I digress…

After an hour of the most fun I’ve ever had in my life with the kids at the mall (yes, being facetious here. Does the sarcasm show?) Darling decided that since it was 8:30 he would go the shortest route home (just kidding! Of COURSE he went the loooooong way that he thinks is shorter. Never mind that I am the expert at back roads and he took all of the wrong ones!). Bug Boy reminded us that he was thirsty. And he was six. And Tyler is seven and has heelies. SEVEN. Got that? SEVEN, and he has heelies. Bug Boy also reminded us that he will be SEVEN in no less than eight months, so he will wait for his heelies. And Darling was kind enough to speak up and say that our rule was eight, at which time I gave him the hairy eyeball, which also came with miniature pointy daggers that I fantasized going into his eyeballs and face because I was so pissed about the whole heelies conversation (my child will never have a $70 pair of sneakers with wheels in them that he cannot wear to school or in public or ride on the sidewalk. Not to mention that we have a propensity for breaking bones in freak accidents in our family.)

Where was I? Oh yes. Long back roads, Bug Boy thirsty (Singing, “Da, Da, dadadaDAda” Star Wars theme), Mommy thinking about drinking (does that make me an alcoholic?) a glass a wine the moment the boys are asleep. So we did what any good parent would do, we headed to Wawa to get Bug Boy an iced tea at Nine pm. Mommy helped herself to a Decaf Mocha (homemade, half hot chocolate from the machine and half 6-hour-old decaf coffee from the pot). But they did not have the favorite brand of Iced Tea, so Bug Boy let us know he did not think he would enjoy that particular iced tea but would try. I asked him to be flexible, at which time he pointed out that he, “Would never be flexible. Because I am not flexible. I will NEVER be flexible, guys.” We looked at each other with the sad realization that what he just told us was true…

After church on Saturday we thought about staying home for the whole day but once again decided we were too lazy to chase Bugaboo around for several hours so we took our aquarium membership and set out in the pouring rain. Thinking it would be abso-smurfly-crowded we prepared for massive crowds and screaming Bugaboo. SURPRISE! Not crowded! But flooded! Getting out of there without driving through rain water as high as our car took some maneuvering on Darling’s part. And since he cannot find his way out of a paper bag and I was not talking to him (because he kept going left which made us go in a square, like, three times y’all! THREE! And he’d say, “I don’t know which way to go!” And I’d say, ” There’s the river! We need to go back WEST because we live in that state over THERE!” And Bug Boy said, “You guys! Stop it! You are being rude and not using good manners! Apologize right NOW!”) it took many extra minutes to find our way back home. By the time we got there we were all bushed but Bugaboo does not typically take naps, so I devised a plan to go walk around Tarzhay for the remainder of the afternoon. This was, of course, thwarted, when I dropped Darling off, ran in to use the loo and went back to the car to Bugaboo sawing logs.

So, Darling and I took a nap. Bug Boy got his electronics stim/fix in. Bugaboo took a nap (that now that I am thinking about, he may have needed because I am fairly certain there was some seizure activity with all of the jackasses attempting to take photos of fish at the aquarium. With flashes. Against five-inch-thick panes of glass. ). We woke up, had a decent dinner and decided to do Tarzhay and TJ’s in the absolute pouring rain. Shopping with Darling is never as much fun because he wants to stick to the list and won’t let me browse the sale racks and clearance areas. But Bug Boy helps derail that by remembering things that we need, like”” TAPE! And BATTERIES! And MATCH BOX CAR RAMPS WITH THE 360 DEGREE CAR SPINNER!!! AND I BROUGHT MY TEN DOLLARS! Look! Here it is in my pocket! How did it get in there?!?!”

Little things make Bug Boy happy, like the cool guy at TJ’s who makes the food and balloon animals. “You are the BEST balloon animal guy ever, Walt!” And, “Excuse me! May I please have some stickers? I used good manners!” When we finally got home, trimmed the little Bug Boy hairs (M&Ms help tremendously to bribe certain Bugaboos from crying, even this anti-ABA girl can appreciate a little behavior mod!), trimmed their dirty nails, gave them baths after a four-day hiatus, fairly certain that the neighbors will report us to CYS for going four days without washing our filthy children, who actually get pimples and body odor, I kid you not.

They went to bed. I am elated.

Please join me in celebrating at 8:40 am Monday morning when I am FREE! FREE! FREE!! of children! WAHOOO!!!!!

One thought on “Out of the Mouths of Bug Boys

  1. Trace says:

    Coliseum in his grilled cheese sandwich? Bug Boy may press your buttons on occasion, but boy is he a smart little bugger.

    All I can say is NOREASTER…you have my sympathies.

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