April 6, 2007 by Marj Hatzell
I am thinking of going to the hospital and asking for a Prozac Drip. I’ve had it up to HERE (Imagine my hand by my eyebrows). Bugaboo is making me insane and sucking me down into his little vortex of crazy.
The doctors have long maintained that they do not think he is your classic case of Autism (as if there is one, supposedly everyone is different, think snowflakes). He has some real neurological issues that no one can place. He has something genetic going on (but not Fragile X, the usual male-linked and familial cause of developmental delays, usually what they look for when more than one family member has these issues). But today I have hit rock bottom with him. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE &%$* is going on with MY KID?
He has been stripping and peeing all over my house. It smells awful.
He has hit his head several times and has bled all over, he doesn’t feel it, he just rubs his head, face, lets it drip off of his nose, etc.
He bites his arms, elbows (yes, elbows, he is amazingly flexible) and knees until they bleed.
He breaks doors. He opens and closes them until the hinges break off or the door snaps off. He breaks every drawer in the house. Yes, we have baby locks. They are made for BABIES, not four-and-a-half-year-olds. He breaks those.
But then he sits on my lap, hugs and kisses me, calls me momma. My heart melts. And right now it aches more than I can describe. I am so tired of this! I cannot do this! I do not even want to think about what it will be like when he is older.
I long to hear my son’s voice. I want to explain things to him and have him answer me back. I want him to have impulse control. He knows he is not supposed to do certain things and yet he CANNOT STOP HIMSELF. He just cannot stop moving. Ever. We even hear him thrashing about in his sleep.
No one said this would be easy. I know that. I am not looking for easy. I am just praying that it doesn’t have to be THIS hard always. I just want him to eat the flipping cereal instead of screaming, because he liked it yesterday. In fact, he has LOVED it for six months. Today he hates it, but loves apple pie. Go figure.
Not that I’d ever do it, but I now understand how parents completely lose it and put their kids in cages to keep them safe. They do not know what else to do. I understand why people duct tape diapers on. I understand why they put more locks than the federal treasury on their doors. I understand why they never want to go out in public with their kids. There is all of this “help” out there, and yet no one can really help with these things. It is what it is.
I am not giving up the fight. I am just giving up on the battle today. I just cannot do this. I need to recharge, refresh, repurpose. I need to review why I need to do this. Heck, I thought I’d make it to church today. At this point, it looks like I am going to be observing Good Friday from home. I cannot picture Bugaboo going with me. I do not think they have ever seen a nekkid, peeing, autistic child in that church. And they won’t. I will not bring him until he can control himself.c
29 out of 30 days I am positive, motivated, willing to do anything for my child. Today I cannot even stand being near him, it brings me to tears. I feel a little guilty over that. But not really. I am guessing others feel this way on occasion.