Category Archives: Shopping

And Now I Have to Carry a Real, Live Purse

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When I was in high school I carried a backpack, before backpacks were cool. I totally wasn’t cool, because I was a band geek and I was in orchestra and to make matters worse I played for school shows AND school religious services. So basically, there were constant reminders that I was one of the biggest dweebs in school. And I’m not talking about my school uniform being one of the only ones that actually REACHED the knees in the whole school. Or my knee socks pulled up to (GASP) the knees.  Or the penny loafers. Or the trumpet pin I wore everyday.  But I digress.

Where was I?

Oh, backpacks. Right. So I carried a backpack. And then I worked in the city so I kept carrying a backpack so I could bring my wallet and Walkman (REMEMBER THOSE?) to work on the train because it was heavy.  And I brought books, too.  Then I went to college and carried a backpack. Then I worked in a different city and took the train so I carried a backpack. Then I went back to college again (FOUR MAJORS!) and carried a backpack. Then I FINALLY graduated from college, planned on getting a purse and surprise!  Preggers!  Which amused the husband, by the way.  So I started carrying a diaper bag backpack.  And I carried it for eight years because Bugaboo still worse diapers up to a few months ago, when he started full-time school at that glorious, wonderful program of his.  So I got a small purse.  A purse that is sorta messenger style and basically barely fits a wallet and a calendar/planner (I swear, I’m the last person on earth that has an actually planner that YOU WRITE IN) and my glasses and cellphone and iPod (smaller than a Walkman) and lip balm and altoids and keys. And calculator. Like, I can’t always zip it. But I REFUSE to be the type of gal that NEEDS to carry a purse. I don’t bring makeup or hair brushes (do people actually brush hair?  ’cause I don’t) or any of that girly crap.  Have you seen some of these purses today?  They look like luggage!  No, I’m not kidding!  You could use it AS A CARRY ON ON A PLANE. I swear some of these gals are carrying around a hairdryer, a change of clothes and a SmartCar.  It’s that big.

Anyways, last week I was at the allergist and now have prescribed to me a fashionable epipen and rescue inhaler.  HOLLA!  I’m so hip.  And I can’t cram them in my much-to-small for a REAL woman purse. I only buy one not-a-purse a year.  And it looks like this year I am going to join the ranks of millions of women my age and grow up and get a real, live, actual purse that you can fit things in.  Like, a big one.  ‘Cause I’m all about these bags right here.

It Sucks! A Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, there was a Princess Queen and her Prince and they lived happily ever after in an ugly house a castle with their two young princes.  Their castle was known to get absolutely freaking disgusting dirty, what with two young princes running around and all.  And two large, black dogs.  And various kids and dogs that the Princess Queen babysits rules.  Therefore, the Princess Queen spends much of her time vacuuming. I mean, her royal subjects spend much of their time vacuuming.  Errrr…sweeping the floor with straw brooms. And mopping. Yeah, that’s it.  Certainly not the Queen.  She’s too busy…you know.  Queening and stuff.

Anyways, the Queen and Prince had their castle swept so often, the vacuums brooms had a tendency to break down.  They began buying a new vacuum broom just about every year.  And in four years they bought two carpet steamers mops in addition to the vacuums brooms.

Now, their favorite of the bunch happened to be the Oreck for a very, very long time. They loved their Oreck and thought it was the best in the land.  It weighed eight pounds, was easy to use and THEY COULD LITERALLY FILM A COMMERCIAL, they loved it that much.  But it broke down eventually and it was sort of fixed, but the Prince read a review in Consumer Reports that this Sears Progressive one was a MUCH better vacuum broom. So they saved up their money and bought one. With their credit card.  And there was much rejoicing.

The Progressive worked for about six months.  And eventually they realized it was a total piece of crap and Consumer Reports is a load of bunk sometimes.  They took their Oreck in for repair (because it was much, much too painful to part with) and got it back, nearly good as new.  And when the Prince began finding them on other people’s curbs, discarded like lowly garbage, he would bring them home and refurbish them.  They eventually ended up with three Orecks, a Progressive, a Shop Vac, a canister vac and a Bissel Steamer.  Amen.

That’s seven (7) vacuums, for those of you not good at math.

So yesterday, the Prince took Prince Bugaboo out for a few hours while she vacuumed and steamed the first floor had the servants clean the bottom level of the castle in preparation for Prince Bug Boy’s party next weekend.  She spent three hours…delegating. And when the Prince returned, he was awfully excited.  Now, the Prince only gets excited about a few things.  Mostly lawnmowers and power tools (which he also saves from a landfill fate and refurbishes).  The Prince opened his laptop and stuck it under her nose, showing her the best deal in all the land.  The Kingdom of Sears was having a sale.

Now, the Prince certainly gets more excited than the Queen does about the prospect of sweeping.  Perhaps it is because she does it at least twice a day?  The Queen was all, “Oh. A very expensive vacuum.  Hmmm…perhaps my servants could use it to get the dog hair up better. Or the cracker crumbs.  Or the potted plant dirt.  Or…”  And the Prince was all, “OMG VACUUM VACUUM VACUUM!  It sucks!  HARD!  IT REALLY DOES SUCK!”   Therefore they travelled to the Kingdom of Sears and came home with the Holy Grail of Floor Cleaning.

The Dyson DC25.

The Prince was so excited he began vacuuming it nearly the second they returned home from their long journey. And continued to vacuum for a few hours, until he made sure every square inch of castle floor was spotless.  He didn’t even watch football.  He VACUUMED instead.  And the Queen was all, “Oooohhhhhh Kay…”  But then, they looked inside the BAGLESS!  CANISTER!  And saw what the Dyson picked up (that the Oreck missed).

Four canisters of crud.  FOUR.  From two floors.  As in, the Oreck was run first and then the Dyson and it picked up four MORE canisters of stuff.

And the Queen was speechless for the first time in her life.

The Domestic Goddess’ Guide to Holiday Gift-Giving

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‘Tis the season!  What are you going to get the Domestic Goddess in your life?  If you are searching for something superb to put under the tree Christmas morning, then look no further!  Here are my picks for the best domesticky presents, ever.  (Disclaimer: Not everyone enjoys receiving what I receive for gifts.  I’m not a makeup and perfume girl, I’m a cookware and appliance kind of girl. And no, not THAT kind of appliance.  Perv.)

Kapoosh Knife Block

How could you not love something with the name KAPOOSH? I mean, it’s fun to say!  It’s like when you’re playing Star Wars with your eight-year-old and making fake gun and light saber noises. KAPOOSH!  Or when the door opens in Star Trek.  Except that’s SCHWEE!  Anyways, this is the coolest knife block ever.  I have one whole set of Henckels knives but all the little holes are reserved for certain sizes. What to do with all of the single knives I’ve purchased?  My beloved Santoku knives (or, as my husband calls them, Count Duku knives.) can’t be relegated to a drawer, y’all. That would be sacrilegious. Enter the KAPOOSH!  It’s versatile, holds any knife and IT’S FUN TO SAY!  KAPOOSH!  Keeps blades sharper, any size knife will fit.  This knife block retails for anywhere from $20 to $40.  Use your BB&B coupon to get it 20% off!

The Kitchenaid Artisan Stand Mixer

Dood. If you haven’t gotten one of these for the lady in your life, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?  You cannot be a domestic engineer without one of these babies.  They have many styles, colors and versions to choose from. Just don’t get a classic. They stink!  Too basic, not enough attachments and the wattage is way low, resulting in motor burn out. TRUST ME. Artisan or up, babe. That’s where it’s at.  And? If you are super-duper lucky you might catch one on clearance at Tarzhay, and watch it for a few weeks until there is ONE LEFT and then snatch it up, even though it is Target Red and then it’s marked down to $139.  Ahhh…memories.  I even have a KA blender. And a KA food processor.  And a KA dishwasher (BOSCH!  As IF!)!  And a KA fridge!  And…and…that’s all.  But I’d love more, I love KA that much.  LERVE, even. The Artisan Stand Mixer USUALLY retails for anywhere from $200-500. Get out and get one. Unless she doesn’t cook and hates kitchen appliances, in which case you’re screwed if you buy it.  She’ll make you sleep on the couch for MONTHS, moron!

Nikon D-something camera


Oh Nikon.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.  I love you with every click and beep. I love you with every flash you make.  I love you to the depth and breadth and height.  AND YET I DO NOT OWN ONE.  But someday, I will.  Mark my words!  IT’S MINE.  Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system can tell you that I have many, many, many friends that own them. I also have played with it at the camera shops a few hundred times. The pictures on a digital SLR are amazing, cannot be beat.  This will be a great thing for me your goddess to have eventually. You know, when she starts her hobby of amateur prOn wildlife photography.  Me?  I take pictures of my dogs.  Too many.  And not enough of my own kids.  The current retail for  Nikon D40 is anywhere from $400-$500. And the rest are waaaaay more.  Ouch. Sigh.


Victoria’s Secret ANYTHING


C’mon, I know it’s embarrassing to go in there. Most guys sit on the bench outside of my local one whilst their lady-friends are perusing panties inside the pink pleasure palace.  But dood, the Body Ipex Full-coverage bra comes in, like, THIRTY PATTERNS.  And they are super hawt.  And comfy. And boost the girls to heights not seen since before babes.  And sometimes not even then.  Get her a gift cert.  If you buy her butt floss, she’s gonna be pissed.  If you insist on buying something, get her cotton or flannel pjs. Vicky’s has a way of making them look sexy.  And comfy.  And yummy.  C’mon!  Get thee to a Vicky’s!  Retail price: Whatever you’re willing to pay to get lucky, Romeo.

A Third-World Country

C’mon, for the girl who has everything, what else is there?  I mean, she’s already got the luxury flat in the 1st district of Paris. She already OWNS Prada.  Get her something she’d never think of!  In all seriousness, THIS is a great charity.  We did it one year amongst family members and I’ve never been so happy to receive pigs and chickens as I was that year. I mean, I get goats and I don’t even have to deal with the smell!  It’s a win-win!  Retail price: Whatever you can give. They have prices from $10 on up. You can get a batch of baby chicks for a farmer starting out for $20.  Also Also?  There are tons of area charities that are in desperate need of your help. Giving is down. WAAAAY down. They’ll take anything you can spare, from a can of vegetables to an unwrapped $5 toy to a few dollars thrown into a basket.  It’ll warm your heart and hopefully it’ll become contagious.  Pay it forward, yo.

Runners up: Xbox 360 and PS3 (yes, I really want one.  Or both, as the case may be).  A droid.  An iPhone.  A laptop. A KINDLE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!  I REALLY WANT A KINDLE!

‘Tis the Season

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Go Ahead, Hate me.

All of my shopping is complete.  I finished the holiday letter this morning and after I proof it, it will be electronically submitted and printed.  I just have one more thing to do.

Teacher gifts.

I have my ideas for teacher gifts. This is the last thing on my list. It gets me EVERY year. I know, it isn’t necessary, right?  But if you knew what Bugaboo’s teachers and staff did for him?  You’d wanna buy them a pony. Or a car. Or a house.  They mean that much. Or an elephant, or a whole country or steak or coffee…

So here are a few of my ideas:

reusable shopping bags

Gift certs for the local coffee/convenience store (people who live here LOVE this place)

Sinus pillows (made these last year, but Bugaboo is at a new school so I could easily make them again!)

Thoughts??  I want it to be reasonably priced, meaningful and easy for me.   I know when I was still working in schools, these would have been lovely to have, instead of ANOTHER coffee mug or ANOTHER plant or ANOTHER #1 teacher ornament. It’s the thought that counts…but I want the thought to be fondly remembered.  And I don’t want to break the bank, since I already blew my budget this year (I had to have the Dansko clogs. I waited two years. They were discontinued.  Please don’t hate me!).

Someday I Know I’ll Look Back at All This and LAUGH

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The only thing funnier than getting Bugaboo from the bus this afternoon and finding out he chucked one of his $$$ special shoes (for his turning-in issue. Like, as limber and agile as the kid is, they actually wanted to break and reset his leg at one point.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!) is going to the shoe store and trying to replace them.

I grabbed the Teenager-Babysitter and decided to set out during rush hour traffic, before the kids have eaten, before I started dinner.  Before Bugaboo had his daily bowel movement. Before he had his sleepy time meds.   It went about as well as you can imagine.

I know the girls they hire there are all either in high school, fresh out of high school or on their way to college. Between the gum-chewing, eye-rolling and feigned interest in my children’s feet, we managed to get them to fetch a few pairs. But Bugaboo insisted on climbing on the damn fake train to get his feet scanned (even though the last time we went and they scanned his feet he acted as though they were dipping his feet in hot lava and did his cat impersonation and leaped to the ceiling and velcroed himself to the top of the train) while another child was on there.  This is while Bug Boy took three hours to put his socks on (SOCKS! I HATE SOCKS!  I WANNA WEAR FLIP FLOPS AND CROCS!  CAN I GET THESE SHOE CHARMS?).  And then I showed Bug Boy thirty pairs of shoes and he told me, “These are girl shoes. Those are brown. I hate brown.  I am not tying my shoes.  I want velcro…” and so on, and so on.  While this was going on, the teenager did her best to chase Bugaboo around the store, while he catapulted himself over benches and shoe racks and scaled the ladders (WHY DO THEY HAVE LADDERS IN THAT STORE????).  Then he did the flop-and-drop when I tried to get shoes on him and refused to take them back off, even if I did forget to take all of the paper out of the shoe.  Meanwhile, Bug Boy found a red pair of shoes (CLEARANCE!  THANK YOU!) and decided he’d begin working on me to get shoe charms (Apparently, NO NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO is not an acceptable answer).  And Bugaboo darted off to leap over a bench and climbed the ladder (and apparently, the salesgirl missed the part where I said he was autistic and that I’d do my best to redirect them but her yelling at him ain’t gonna help much) and Bug Boy chased after me while I chased after the teenager and she chased after Bugaboo to try and get him down.  It was like a three-ring-freaking-circus (don’t forget, there are others in there shopping for back-to-school shoes and were giving dirty looks and wouldn’t GET OUT OF MY WAY WHEN I WAS TRYING TO CATCH HIM).

Then I told the teenager to take Bugaboo to the car while I paid for the shoes (and grabbed one more pair. You know, in case he decides to throw another pair out of the bus window tomorrow) and Bug Boy walked around the store, pushing every single box to the back of the shelf.  As in, the shelves the associates just fronted?  Yeah. He pushed back all of the boxes. ALL. OF. THEM.  Naturally, the associate snapped at him and I clenched my teeth and told him he was to get back over there and put the boxes back THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  Meanwhile, Bugaboo climbed out of the open van windows and did his own Chinese fire drill in the middle of the Old Navy parking lot and tried to go into his hair dresser’s (even though he just had his haircut two days ago).

Is it beer-thirty yet?

Evil Tempting Tarzhay

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It’s no secret that I have difficulty with change.  Change of seasons, changing furniture (WHICH IS AWESOME, by the way), I like things to stay just the way they are, thankyouverymuch.

On my weekly trip to Tarzhay, I noticed THE CHANGE is beginning.  You know, that time of year when they move stuff around to get ready for Spring and Summer? I walked into the shoe department and it was all kinds of changed. I almost had a heart attack. I mean, the kids shoes are where the ladies’ shoes were, the men’s shoes are where the kids’ shoes used to be and the ladies shoes are where the little girls’ shoes were. I almost couldn’t handle it.  Almost.  And then I spotted…mecca.

A whole wall.

Of flip-flops.

FLIP FLOPS!

And they have these.  And these.  And these.

Remember when I posted this?  I am a happy woman.  I could get into some serious financial trouble.  But I won’t.  After giving away just about the whole flip-flop collection (I’m down to four pairs!  THE HORROR!) last year, because they were in seriously shabby shape, I am super-happy-fun-time excited that I can replace them with something cute and trendy. There’s something for everyone there. I mean EVERYONE.

No, I’m not being paid to say this. But since y’all know how much I love my Tarzhay….just sayin’.