Category Archives: Reviews

Lost in Austen

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I know it’s not a big secret, but I am a huge fan of Jane Austen.  I’ve read all of her books and I’ve seen just about every movie version of her stories.  Even the wretched adaptations.

I’ve seen the big-screen versions of her books, the BBC productions, the MasterpieceTheater works (COLIN FIRTH AS DARCY. DROOOOOOOOL.) and even the Bollywood versions.  Heck, there’s even a Mormon version of Pride and Prejudice (also a drooly Mr. Darcy).  MORMON.  BOLLYWOOD.  There’s something for everyone.  I even enjoyed the somewhat recent miniseries, “Lost in Austen” about a devotee that gets launched into Pride and Prejudice, messes everything up and then decides she wants to stay.  Cute and quirky.  Especially the LAKE SCENE.

Nonetheless, I find it necessary to read and watch OVER AND OVER. I don’t know what it is about these stories. I don’t know if it is her thinly veiled criticisms and social commentary or her story-telling style but I get lost in these stories. When my own life isn’t the peachy-keenest, I only need to look to Regency England and my ills disappear.  Honestly, we’ve got it so much better.  Women were so disrespected back then (unless they had money), couldn’t marry who they wanted most times (unless they had money) and often had difficult lives (unless they had money.  The required Ten Thousand Pounds a year).  If you don’t believe me, I have two words for you:  CHAMBER. POT.

I’ve read a few “sequels” and fan-inspired fiction.  Though I don’t necessarily call myself a Janeite and I don’t belong to any national chapters (yes, they do exist), I am a devotee.  Jane ain’t for everyone.  People either love or hate her stories.  Most of my friends that enjoy modern literature don’t like Jane, whereas my posse that reads historical fiction cannot get enough of her.

I have to tell you, though, as much as I enjoy Pride and Prejudice (COLIN FIRTH. LAKE SCENE IN THE MOVIE.  DROOOOOOL.) and Emma (BOOOOOO Gwyneth Paltrow version!), I am sick of them making film adaptations.  Seriously, if you are going to go through ALL OF THAT TROUBLE and rent the costumes, and hire the actors and film on location, etc, etc, why do you drastically depart from the book?  I get the concept of an adaptation, but changing MAJOR STORY LINES is just absurd.  And as much as I liked Clueless (did you know it was an adaptation of Emma?) It irks me when they change too much.

My favorite BOOK of Jane’s is Mansfield Park.   But the movie versions? Well, the 1999 version with Embeth Williams and Jonny Lee Miller (in the current Emma as Mr. Knightly) was well done but still deviated from the story quite a bit.  The 2007 version?  Dreadful.  Fanny was played by a woman who Dr. Who fans would recognize but she was dreadful in the part.  Instead of meek and mild-mannered, Billie Piper was a bleached-blonde, hippy child who ran carelessly about the manor. The only redeeming qualities of this version were Edmund (played by the same actor that plays Mr. Elton in the current Emma) and Lady Bertram (played by a Redgrave. You can’t go wrong with a Redgrave).  Otherwise.  Ew.

Yeah, I’m picky.

I’ve just started my way through Northanger Abbey.  So far, so good for this adaptation. A few changes but fairly close to the story.  If I make it through this version alive, I will watch Persuasion.  Lastly, I’ll round out my current addiction with Sense and Sensibility.  I’ve seen the Emma Thompson/Kate Winslet version and it was decent, but I’m dying to watch the 2008 miniseries.

Are you still there?  Good.

I’ve recently stumbled upon a woman who is rewriting All of the Austen Classics, slightly changing the genre (read: MAKING THEM INTO TEEN DRAMAS) and putting them out for young adults.  In modern times. As in, the Edward Cullen crowd.  Barf. Gag.  I’ll probably try to read them.

Why do they have to mess with my Jane?

Anyways, thought you should be aware of my TEENSY LITTLE Jane Austen problem.  Just sayin’.  If you need me, I’ll be dreaming in Regency England.

The Domestic Goddess’ Guide to Holiday Gift-Giving

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‘Tis the season!  What are you going to get the Domestic Goddess in your life?  If you are searching for something superb to put under the tree Christmas morning, then look no further!  Here are my picks for the best domesticky presents, ever.  (Disclaimer: Not everyone enjoys receiving what I receive for gifts.  I’m not a makeup and perfume girl, I’m a cookware and appliance kind of girl. And no, not THAT kind of appliance.  Perv.)

Kapoosh Knife Block

How could you not love something with the name KAPOOSH? I mean, it’s fun to say!  It’s like when you’re playing Star Wars with your eight-year-old and making fake gun and light saber noises. KAPOOSH!  Or when the door opens in Star Trek.  Except that’s SCHWEE!  Anyways, this is the coolest knife block ever.  I have one whole set of Henckels knives but all the little holes are reserved for certain sizes. What to do with all of the single knives I’ve purchased?  My beloved Santoku knives (or, as my husband calls them, Count Duku knives.) can’t be relegated to a drawer, y’all. That would be sacrilegious. Enter the KAPOOSH!  It’s versatile, holds any knife and IT’S FUN TO SAY!  KAPOOSH!  Keeps blades sharper, any size knife will fit.  This knife block retails for anywhere from $20 to $40.  Use your BB&B coupon to get it 20% off!

The Kitchenaid Artisan Stand Mixer

Dood. If you haven’t gotten one of these for the lady in your life, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?  You cannot be a domestic engineer without one of these babies.  They have many styles, colors and versions to choose from. Just don’t get a classic. They stink!  Too basic, not enough attachments and the wattage is way low, resulting in motor burn out. TRUST ME. Artisan or up, babe. That’s where it’s at.  And? If you are super-duper lucky you might catch one on clearance at Tarzhay, and watch it for a few weeks until there is ONE LEFT and then snatch it up, even though it is Target Red and then it’s marked down to $139.  Ahhh…memories.  I even have a KA blender. And a KA food processor.  And a KA dishwasher (BOSCH!  As IF!)!  And a KA fridge!  And…and…that’s all.  But I’d love more, I love KA that much.  LERVE, even. The Artisan Stand Mixer USUALLY retails for anywhere from $200-500. Get out and get one. Unless she doesn’t cook and hates kitchen appliances, in which case you’re screwed if you buy it.  She’ll make you sleep on the couch for MONTHS, moron!

Nikon D-something camera


Oh Nikon.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.  I love you with every click and beep. I love you with every flash you make.  I love you to the depth and breadth and height.  AND YET I DO NOT OWN ONE.  But someday, I will.  Mark my words!  IT’S MINE.  Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system can tell you that I have many, many, many friends that own them. I also have played with it at the camera shops a few hundred times. The pictures on a digital SLR are amazing, cannot be beat.  This will be a great thing for me your goddess to have eventually. You know, when she starts her hobby of amateur prOn wildlife photography.  Me?  I take pictures of my dogs.  Too many.  And not enough of my own kids.  The current retail for  Nikon D40 is anywhere from $400-$500. And the rest are waaaaay more.  Ouch. Sigh.


Victoria’s Secret ANYTHING


C’mon, I know it’s embarrassing to go in there. Most guys sit on the bench outside of my local one whilst their lady-friends are perusing panties inside the pink pleasure palace.  But dood, the Body Ipex Full-coverage bra comes in, like, THIRTY PATTERNS.  And they are super hawt.  And comfy. And boost the girls to heights not seen since before babes.  And sometimes not even then.  Get her a gift cert.  If you buy her butt floss, she’s gonna be pissed.  If you insist on buying something, get her cotton or flannel pjs. Vicky’s has a way of making them look sexy.  And comfy.  And yummy.  C’mon!  Get thee to a Vicky’s!  Retail price: Whatever you’re willing to pay to get lucky, Romeo.

A Third-World Country

C’mon, for the girl who has everything, what else is there?  I mean, she’s already got the luxury flat in the 1st district of Paris. She already OWNS Prada.  Get her something she’d never think of!  In all seriousness, THIS is a great charity.  We did it one year amongst family members and I’ve never been so happy to receive pigs and chickens as I was that year. I mean, I get goats and I don’t even have to deal with the smell!  It’s a win-win!  Retail price: Whatever you can give. They have prices from $10 on up. You can get a batch of baby chicks for a farmer starting out for $20.  Also Also?  There are tons of area charities that are in desperate need of your help. Giving is down. WAAAAY down. They’ll take anything you can spare, from a can of vegetables to an unwrapped $5 toy to a few dollars thrown into a basket.  It’ll warm your heart and hopefully it’ll become contagious.  Pay it forward, yo.

Runners up: Xbox 360 and PS3 (yes, I really want one.  Or both, as the case may be).  A droid.  An iPhone.  A laptop. A KINDLE, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!  I REALLY WANT A KINDLE!

What’s in DG’s Closet?

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I just know y’all are on the edge of yer seat, waiting to view DG’s most private and personal obsession collection. Something DG rarely reveals to anyone, except her husband. Something she is embarassed about and does not even talk about with her sisters.

DG’s Flip Flops.

(You thought I was gonna say lingerie, didn’t you? Dirty mind!) Yes, that’s right. My name is DG and I have a flip-flop obsession. It started when I was young and Doctor Sholl’s were all the rage. I hate to wear shoes and prefer to be barefoot. If I cannot be barefoot then I will take the next best thing: flip-flops.

I love wearing flip-flops because I have big, sweaty feet that get stinky in leather shoes (I know y’all were just dying to hear that.). My feet can air out all day long and feel free. FREEDOM FOR FEET! Of course, this also means I have to have a stash of suitable toe-nail polish so that my size 9 E-width man feet don’t look like Barney Rubble. Great colors like DENIM BLUE and WINE CORDIAL and PURPLE PLEATHER grace my piggy toes. It also means I have to shave my feet. Yes, you heard me right. I SHAVE MY FEET, MMKAY? My soul has been bared for all the world to see. I SHAVE MY FEET, Y’ALL! EVERYONE LOOK! Those of you that see me IRL will now be checking my feet out the next time you see me. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Being the kind and benevolent person I am, I decided I could not keep this bounty to myself. No sir, I have taken pictures and will enlighten you with some most a few of the contents of my flip-flop booty:

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I call these little beauties Rainbow Brites. They were just $7 at my favorite discount department store (that starts with T- and ends with -arzhay). I am especially fond of these because J Crew made a version of these last summer that look IDENTICAL to the ones that Tarzhay carried, down to the similar color choices. They were originally $25 at J Crew, eventually sold for $10. They are exactly the same. And by exactly, I mean, one of Bugaboo’s therapists has the J Crew version and I was wearing the Tarzhay version and they are EXACTLY the same.

 

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 Also from Tarzhay: These cute Hawaiian print $2 flip flops. They are great for wearing at the beach or pool and rinse off easily. They never really get dirty. Not the most comfy, but cute! I just don’t understand why they put the print UNDER the foot. You Canna See It, KEPTIN!

 

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This pair was a spur-of-the-moment frivolous purchase. I bought them because I thought the print would go with several shirts I own, not realizing that you can barely see the print once your foot is in the flip flop. Sigh. I don’t know why they do this, but they are still super-cute. $9 at Payless. They still have them, I was there a few days ago. Gotta love Airwalks! Yes, I love them. That is why I also own…

 

 

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Yup. Can’t stay away from that store. The brown pair was a purchase from last year at the end of the season. I have this thing about brown and they go well with my linen obsession collection. Unfortunately, I wore them to the farm (our friends’ farm near the cabin) and they now smell like a cow. No, just kidding. They smell like cow poo. I love the black pair because they have Jolly Rogers on them and Bug Boy thinks I am the coolest mommy in the world because I have pirate shoes.

 

 

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Tevas. There isn’t much you need to say about Tevas. They say it themselves. They are comfortable, durable and outrageously expensive a good buy. I’ve been wearing this particular pair for about five years. They look like some kind of Chinese foot binding (which I need with 9Es) but really, they make my feet say, “Ahhhhh!” Or maybe it’s, “Jebus! Clip your toenails! File those callouses!” Either one.

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Oh, Sketchers, Sketchers, Sketchers. Why is it possible that every pair of your shoes I’ve tried on either adds ten pounds to my wait or feels like I’m Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters trying to get the glass slipper on and it doesn’t fit, so the prince won’t marry me and I play second fiddle once again to some airhead tart? These are cute shoes, I get tons of compliments on them, but I am pretty sure they are making me taller, because when I walk in them my legs get pulled down by all the weight. Who needs ankle weights? Not me. I only wear these to parent meeting and stuff where I want to look like a grown up.They were $30 three years ago, the most I think I’ve ever, ever, ever spent on shoes. Even my wedding shoes, which were knock-offs of $200 Kenneth Cole shoes that I found at a discount shoe place and glued little flowers on them to look just like the ones in the Kenneth Cole Store, except mine weren’t made by Chinese Factory workers making $2 a day.

 

 

 

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I saved the best for last. LL Bean, how I love thee! My SIL Lara’s SIL Dara (got that? Good, there is a quiz later. Oh, and if Bugaboo was a girl, he would have been Sara. That would have made it funny, huh?) had these on last summer and I fell in LERVE with them. To the untrained eye they may just look like ugly shearling flip flops. These babies were worth every penny of $30. I have worn them daily for nearly a year and have beat the holy heck out of them. Yes, they are real Shearling. They are real leather, too. I know, I know, a former Vegan wearing THESE? Preposterous! But true! I’ve never worn anything this cozy and comfy. I can wear them in the winter and my feet stay warm. I can wear them in the summer and my feet don’t sweat. They don’t smell. They are slimy. They are like UGGS only YUMMY! The only draw back is that I have to hide them from the Shad Roe, since she once chewed up the lambskin crib blanket we had for the boys. I am pretty sure these shoes came from sheep that elected to donate they skin. In fact, these sheep were already dead and just sitting around, so LL Bean had permission to use them, so it’s not like it was killing animals or anything. And I’ve ordered another pair (guess which ones! No, not the animal print! The khaki!) for when these fall apart (which are hidden in my closet so I am not tempted to wear them yet) because they tend to go out of stock, they are that popular. I’d like to kiss the person who made these. Even if it was a girl.

There you have it. My Flip flops. I hope you’ve enjoyed them as much as I do. In the fall I will share my mule/clog collection with you. I own eight pairs, two of which are ACTUALLY FROM THE NETHERLANDS!!! They are even wooden and very comfy, although not such a good pair of shoes for a clutz who kicks her own ankles when she walks, if you catch my drift …

Oh Linen, How I Love Thee!

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My name is M-j, and I am a recovering linen addict. I cannot help myself.

I love linen. I love the way it feels on my body. You know, being a natural fiber and all. I know it wrinkles easily, but that is part of the beauty of it. No one expects you to be wrinkle-free in linen! And I rarely iron it…

In a store, I can feel the linen vibe three aisles away. I can sense it. I can spot it. I HAVE TO HAVE IT. These days linen comes in many fine colors, not just the drab earth tones of yesteryear. I have found PURPLE, FUSCHIA AND CANARY linen. I kid you not (Yeah, it hurt my eyes, too. I do not know why anyone would consider owning this colors.)! In the past two weeks I have found affordable and SUPER CUTE linen at Tarzhay and ON, my favorite cheapo haunts. Tarzhay had the CUTEST linen skirts and this weekend they were on the sale rack, meaning, I got them for 40% off. I wore said linen skirt to church with cute little brown Mary Jane-type heels and a nice short-sleeved sweater. I felt so trendy.

The linen you find these days is softer, easier to wear. It is “washable” which means it doesn’t fall apart the first time you wash it, just the second or third. And who the heck would take linen to a drycleaner? Certainly not Moi. Not since I invested in Dryel! Which does not work, by the way. I often use the handwash cycle on my new-fangled washing machine. Can you believe the irony in a hand-washing cycle on your AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINE? Oh yes, it exists. Hey! I just said irony! Iron-y. Get it? Do ya, huh? Well, I thought it was ironic. There I go again! IRON-IC! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m killing me, here! HAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem.

Take a look at my closet (please don’t). I have a whole skirt rack of linen skirts, another one of linen pants. I even own linen shorts (and I do not typically wear shorts). I have a few linen shirts (that I rarely wear). I even have…wait for it…a linen bathrobe! YES! YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY!

No linen underwear, though. Aren’t you glad you asked? You didn’t? Well then. Moving right along…

So, I am obsessed with linen. I love Easter, when you can traditionally wear linen and white shoes again. This year I took a walk on the dangerous side and wore lined, linen dress pants on GASP!!! Palm Sunday! With off-white shoes. I know, I know, fashion faux-pas! Since when have I been fashionable?

What’s the big deal about linen? You can find out everything you want to know (but were afraid to ask) here .

Movie Review

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Today I am going to review a piece of cinematic treasure. A movie that, at its time of release, was like no other film of its kind. . It is one of the movies that makes you laugh, cry and become angry all at the same time. I am talking about…

The Wedding Singer. (1998)

Please do not laugh. It is seriously one of my favorite films of all times. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that it was set while I was in high school (well, eighth grade and then high school) and the soundtrack is exactly what I think of when I think of the music I listened to in that time period. It is one of those catchy, feel-good, laugh-at-silly-jokes kind of movies. You know, the ones were you should not laugh but you do? I mean, c’mon, Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore falling in love, what could be funnier than that?

Robbie Hart (Sandler) is a wedding singer at your quintessential eighties-tacky-ruffled-tux reception hall. He is a fairly decent singer and a great entertainer. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, he is the only one to hire for weddings anyway. One night at work he meets newcomer Julia (Barrymore), a waitress at the hall and cousin to town tramp Holly (Christine Taylor). They genuinely like each other and Robbie tells her he is to be married the following week. Sweet Julia is thrilled to be working that day and peeks around the trees at his wedding just in time to see poor Robbie get stood up by his fiance, Linda. After going completely bonkers at the next wedding he has to work, a mere five days after his canceled nuptials, Julia lets him know about her own upcoming nuptials to Miami-Vice wannabe, Glenn. Julia somehow sweet-talks Robbie into helping her plan her upcoming wedding since Glenn is unwilling to do so with her. So Robbie and Julia become close friends, and unbeknownst to them, they fall in love in the process. After a few months of hanging out together and planning Julia’s wedding they are more than friends. The problem is that Linda wants Robbie back and Glen wants to elope with Julia. After a few missed opportunities they somehow end up on a plane bound for Vegas, where Robbie saves the day. With the help of Billy Idol, that is.

What I love about this film: The soundtrack, the clothes, the references to 80s pop culture, From Michael Jackson’s glove to Flock of Seagulls to Miami Vice! The ruffled tuxes, the big hair, miniskirts, it is all there.

What I wish they did differently: The end is a little cheesy for such a funny and light-hearted flick. I still liked it but it was major Hollywood cheese factory product. I also could have done without the language, as I am one of those people who cannot stand listening to it. This film has a few s-words and one f-word. There is some innuendo but it is a fairly tame film.

Look for: Christine Taylor (from the Brady Bunch Movie, married to Ben Stiller), Alexis Arquette as George (and from the Arquette acting family), Christina Pickles (from St. Elsewhere), Cameos from Billy Idol, Steve Buscemi, Kevin Nealon, Jon Lovitz and other personal friends of Adam Sandler.

Rated PG-13.

Jersey Girl vs. Jersey Girl

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Since I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time, I have decided that I MUST review the Jersey Girls. Yes, they have the same name. They were released about twelve years apart (and it shows). Without further ado, here are the Jersey Girls:

Jersey Girl (1992) : This little stereotypical gem starred a young a sassy Jami Gertz (Still Standing, Teen movie and show star, also was in Twister and played Gilda Radner in a TV movie), and Dylan McDermott (pre-Practice days, long before Steel Magnolias) in a movie that seems like it was made for tv. Toby (Gertz) is a Jersey Girl who is fed up with her lifestyle and is trying to break out of it. She thinks that the only way she can better herself is to find the right guy and goes to great lengths to find someone from the other side of the river, Manhattan. She meets Sal (McDermott) by going to a Mercedes dealership and hanging around and then pursues him without pause. He finally relents, takes her out a few times and they fall in love. Except that Sal used to be from Jersey and worked very hard to get out of there. He has no intentions of going back to that life now that he is a yuppie, being groomed by this total jerk-of-a-boss that reminds him that girls like Toby are to be used and thrown away. Sal has to decide that he will let his feelings for Toby prevail and not be sucked into the lifestyle of his co-workers. Toby is under pressure from her father and her friends, who are jealous that she doesn’t hang out with them at all hours of the day anymore. They accuse her of being a snob and wanting to dump them and do NOT like Sal. When Toby and Sal “break-up” Toby tells it like it is and tells him he likes his fancy car more than her. He proves to her (in perhaps the lamest romantic Hollywood ending) that he loves her more by totally trashing a brand-new Mercedes outside of her workplace, a daycare. And all the kids watch him run his car into a fire hydrant, kick out the headlights and scratch the car up with a key. Only in Jersey.
Rating: I give this three out of five stars. It is cute, kinda Cinderella-like. It is terribly predictable and funny in a gotta-laugh-at-the-Jersey-accents-and-big-hair kinda way. When it is on a free movie channel, I find myself unable to escape it and get sucked into watching.

Jersey Girl (2004): I know, I know, the critics hated it. They were basing their opinions on the fact that Kevin Smith (who wrote and directed it) usually produces gross-out, foul language, young adult comedies with really far-fetched plots. The guy that brought us Clerks, Mallrats and Dogma tucks Jay and Silent Bob away for a few hours to bring us a romantic comedy with a different twist. Ben Affleck is Ollie Trinke, a guy from (you guessed it!) Jersey who prefers to stay in Manhattan. He meets Gertrude (Jennifer Lopez) and falls in love. When Gertrude dies in childbirth he thinks he can raise their baby on his own, leaving the child with his father (George Carlin) most of the time and spending no time with the baby (Gertie, adorable Raquel Castro). Dad gives him a wake-up call and refuses to watch the baby on the day of an important press conference, and Ollie messes up, loses his job and subsequently gets black-listed in the music PR business. Fast forward a few years, Gertie (now seven) and Ollie live with Mr. Trinke in Jersey and Ollie works with Pop for the township sanitation department. He is stuck in a rut, never dates and rents adult films to satisfy his cravings. At the video store he meets Maya (Liv Tyler), a grad student doing a paper and asks to study Ollie and his video choices. He declines, she persists, he finally relents. Guess what? They kinda fall in love, but he is not over his dead wife. The past seven years he has tried very hard to get back into the PR business, but everyone remembers his little “Will Smith” situation and won’t hire him. When an old friend finally gets him the interview(and possibly, a job) of his dreams, he has to decide if he wants to stay in his life in Jersey where he can be “the best father in the world” or move to New York and tear his daughter away from the only life she has ever known. He basically find out that life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
Rating: I loved this movie. I give it four out of five stars. Some of it was a little hokey and over-acted, but everyone in this film (and it was loaded with star potential) was great. Little Gertie steals the show. I LOVE the Sweeney Todd portion of the film, it is a SCREAM.


Don’t forget, I come from a family of movie buffs. We’ve seen just about everything and can quote all the good flicks, especially Monty Python. And Sci-Fi stuff. And the Princess Bride…

My Favorite Products

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I know you are all hanging on the edge of your seats, waiting to find out what beauty products (or lack there of) that I am using. I will let you in my my best-kept secrets and divulge that information, but first you must pinky-swear that you won’t tell ANYONE. OK? Good. Here it goes:

Deodorant: I use two different products. Since I am one of those whacky chicks that does not believe in using aluminum-based antiperspirants and deodorants, I chose to use all-natural deodorant products instead. My two favs are herbal clear Naturally! Clear Aloe Fresh Deodorant and Spray Mist Naturally Fresh Deodorant Crystal. They rock. And I am a smelly chick, not that you needed to know that. They keep me fresh all day! I find them at CVS, Target, Martindale’s and Trader Joe’s. I do not pay as much as they show online. I used to use Tom’s of Maine, they are nice, too.

Shampoo/Conditioner: My favorite shampoo, believe it or not, is the Suave knock-off version of their salon line. They work just as well as the salon shampoos and cost about a tenth of the salon version. I used to pledge allegiance to the united states of nexxus until I tried the knock-off, shortly after marrying Darling and being put on a tight budget in order to go back to college. I haven’t been back since. It has been ten years! You can find them at Target, Walmart, you name it. They retail for under $2 each. My favorite is the Suave Sleek line, due to my naturally frizzy hair (didn’t know I straightened it, did ya? See? It works!). When my hair is really frizzy or dry I use two deep conditioners. One is Queen Helene Cholesteral. That stuff is AMAZING but you MUST follow directions and you MUST rinse it very cleanly. Do not put too much in, you will look like you put mayo in your hair. Trust me on this one. I haven’t done that but my sister has! My other favorite is this. Now, it is environmentally friendly and cruelty-free, so don’t look at me like that! All can be found at Target, CVS, etc, $5 or under.

Facial products: I LOVE Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask. It shrinks those nasty pores I have developed in my old age and is like a cocktail for your face, really. Sana alcohol. I’ve used it for years, tried others in the interim and came back to this because there is no substitute! For facial cleansing I use good ole cetaphil in the shower and at night use the Aveeno soy-based line, including the facial scrub, daily clarifying moisturizer and facial toner. They don’t dry out too much and don’t aggravate my rosacea too much. The miracle of all miracle is made by Aveeno’s sister company, Neutrogena (Darling works for Johnson and Johnson, they make Aveeno and Neutrogena!). I use their Radiance Boost Eye Cream and their Healthy Defense stuff isn’t too shabby either. Wonderful stuff, that eye cream. Helps with the puffiness and wrinkles. CVS, Target, etc, all $5 or under.

Makeup: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I thought you just said makeup! Oh, that was funny! Oh stop, you are making my sides hurt! HAHAHAHA!!

Other Skin Care: For all-over body cleansing, I love Johnson’s Softwash. It is a brand-new line of adult products that are made as gentle as the baby lines. I used to use baby body wash because I have sensitive skin but didn’t appreciate smelling like a baby. Now I can smell like an adult! WOOHOO! Just kidding. But they do work well, my skin isn’t itchy and flaky when I get out of the shower. Their lotions work well, too. Currently we all use Aveeno Oatmeal lotion because of the eczema running rampant in my home. Try Target, usually $5-6.

Dental: I love Arm & Hammer toothpaste. I tried Tom’s of Maine but it tastes so lousy! I am a tea-drinking addict, and I use demerara sugar, so good toothpaste is a must. I hate dental floss but found these great Dentek floss picks that totally rock! We also use good ole Listerine. My latest awesome find is Crest White Strips. They really work!

Shaving: Last but not least, the shaving methods. Remember this post? Well, lately I’ve changed my methods. I still use the Nair/Neet for underarm and bikini area because it produces less bumps. I have recently gone back to shaving my legs with the best razor on the planet. FOr a few years I used the Gillette Mach III, not unlike my friend Anjali. I used it for maybe ten years before children were born and I became super lazy and experimented with hair removal products (hence the hair removal post of 2006). Gillette recently launched a brand-new razor that is the cousin of the Mach III, the Fusion. I like it even better than the Mach III, although it is much more expensive. Trust me, I’ve tried it all, including the supposed “lady razors” and nothing comes close to this. As for Shaving Cream, I prefer Aveeno. Ahhhh…

Feminine supplies: I’ve ranted plenty of times about how much I hate tampons and pads. I’d rather wear a diaper. I may get that chance in about thirty years (my mother has had to for a while now, that’s what happens when you have fifteen pregnancies and a botched hysterectomy that nicks your bladder and then you have to have it reconstructed), but in the meantime I will use Instead. I love them, took some getting used to, but now I cringe at the thought of using something else. I carrying them everywhere just in case. I don’t ever want to have to use a vending machine (horrors!) or have to borrow one! ‘Nuff said.

There you have it. Now, y’all better not go running out to Tarzhay and stealing it all off the shelves. That would really tick me off. And since I know where most of you live, and I am premenstrual, that would be a very bad idea indeed. mmmmkay?